Splitting household jobs

[Mumof3premies]

So bit of a long winded one sorry about this!

i live at home with my partner and 3 children
he goes to work and I look after the children, before our 1 year old son was born we both worked full time. Albeit mine was less physical as I have brittle asthma and struggle to physically do much due to pain and shortness of breath
However our son was born and he has been really poorly, constantly in and out of hospital so it was automatically deemed I would give up my job and look after him full time along with our other 2 children and his daughter from a previous relationship.
along with all of this I’m now expected to cook, clean do all the washing make lunches, keep on top of everything in the house, make sure the kids have everything, pick up SD (who treats me like absolute dirt, breaks everything in the house but that’s another post) do all the shopping but then have to ask him for money for this because I have zero income. He had never got up in the night, he’s changed four nappys in 19 months he can’t get him to sleep because he will only settle with me now and he wont watch the kids so I can do anything unless it’s a hospital visit for our son!
im honestly drained. up Until a week ago I’ve been getting up every morning to make his lunch and take him to work, drive him to different jobs etc until he got his licence back

on top of all of this due to my breathing I can snore quite badly, he’s known this for 10 years, he just has to nudge me onto my side but recently he has been waking me up giving me all sorts of abuse, shouting at me slamming around then he’s vile in the morning and says I shouldn’t be sleeping when he has to work, if he can’t sleep o should go down stairs with our little boy because out of the two of us he deserves sleep more than me.
this morning he’s called me a lazy bitch because after 25 minutes of shit I refused to get up and do his lunch because I had been up 3 times in the night with our son, he had woke me up twice then he’s woke me up shouting at me I’m exhausted and the last day of the holidays so I’ll have to be up as usual tomorrow!!!

sorry for the rant I didn’t know where else to post it!

He is abusing you emotionally, physically and financially op. Please get some support from a domestic abuse organisation.
Ou know how he's treating you is wrong. Don't doubt yourself

So he is abusive and has you too frightened to talk back.
Your children are watching your relationship and learning that Dads get grumpy and Mums do everything. Is this what you want them to learn?
You can’t change him or make him see what you want him to see. You can only change yourself and how you respond to him.

Do not have anymore children, don't bring them into this toxic environment.

I wasn’t planning on having any more children thanks! It wasn’t toxic when they were born like I said we were good for a very long time!!! My children are happy and very well looked after they’ve never witnessed any arguments or anything else!

Your children can presumably hear him shouting at you and slamming around in the mornings so don’t kid yourself that they don’t know how he treats you

They can’t, we are on the top floor and the walls are very thick, they can’t hear a thing so I’m not kidding myself.

im glad I posted for advice and to have a safe place to rant and I now feel judged and blamed for the whole situation.
I know it isn’t the perfect relationship and it is toxic and quite controlling however I posted thinking I would get some comments to make me feel better and help me to come up with something to make my situation better but I feel even worse so thanks a lot.

Nobody’s trying to make you feel bad op but the answer is to leave the relationship that’s making you miserable

You are unhappy. You are unhappy because you've completely lost sight/never had any idea what a good relationship/good man is. So. Change this for your children. Your abusive husband is possibly like this because he grew up thinking how he behaves is normal. Like your children are currently growing up. Get them out now so that they have some slither of a chance to not end up like you have.

Do not fool yourself that this is not have any affect on your children, because it most certainly is.

Not sure why you had three if I am honest.

They don't have to be hearing the arguments. They are growing up thinking it's normal for a father to do none of the tough parenting or cleaning. And it isn't normal or good in any way shape or form.

I’m so sorry that you feel you are not getting the advice and support you feel you are asking for.

Many of the women replying to you have probably been through this situation and come out the other side. The rest of us as outsiders looking in feel that we can see your problems and solutions much clearer than you can.

You are in a horrible situation, please take some time to think about some of the replies on this thread.

Please post again, even if you don’t think you can leave him yet, maybe someone will be able to offer you some short term solutions.

Best of luck OP, I feel for you.

You're not married, you have no money and your partner doesn't like you very much.

PP are being a bit brutal but I expect that is because they, like me, think you need to realise how bad this relationship is for you, and for your DC. He's not a great dad if he treats their mother like a servant. What kind of role models do you want for them?

You deserve much better but are in a very vulnerable position. It's time to stand up for yourself and your children by making a plan to get out of there.

Contact Women's Aid and get their advice.

As PP have said, he is physically emotionally and financially abusive. In arguments with boyfriends and my husband I've never been physically touched or called names or sworn at. Stopping you sleeping, criticising you, not giving you a voice, swearing, not giving you full access to the family finances are all abusive behaviours.

It sounded like he kept this side of him in check while you worked as he knew you had options but when you became more vulnerable he ramped it up. He now feels because he has the money, he is in a position of power and can abuse you, so he does. So I don't think its going to get better, as someone who thinks it's ok to abuse the mother of their children, is not going to suddenly change into a nice person. It might make things feel better if you work again, is that possible? Hows your son now? However he will still be a nasty piece of work.

There isnt anything you can realistically do to stop abusive behaviour. You can't talk it out in counselling. You can't modify your behaviour to stop it happening. The only real solution is to acknowledge how awful he is, and leave. He is not a good father. A good father doesn't make his childs mum run herself into the ground, swear at her, force her to give up work, refuse to do his share of house chores etc. And maybe (although it's unlikely) your kids dont know now, but they will one day, and they will be much more likely to become abusive or be abused themselves.

No one is saying it's your fault, not at all, they just want you to see how bad he really is, and how awful he is treating you, and how staying with him will harm you and the children.

Like I said it’s only recently become bad! How dare you comment on my children!!! This is the exact type of comments that make people not speak out. Thank you for the nice comments but I won’t be posting again when I’ve been made to feel 10x worse!

But he broke your ribs a few years ago.

I am sorry that you feel bad, but you have to remove the children from the situation. It is totally unhealthy for all of you.

He doesn't CARE enough to understand. You've already said this conversation has happened lots of times and he never understands and you always give in.

Unfortunately there isn't any advice we can give if you dont want to leave. He doesn't care, doesn't want to understand and he will not change. If that's the life you're ok with living that's fine, but he is not going to change

It was 8 years ago, we worked with social services and did all the courses etc and he was drinking a lot at the time, he doesn’t anymore and hasn’t for 8 years so during this time there has been no violence at all

I'm so sorry OP, its an awful situation to be in. It isn't your fault and you deserve better.
This relationship is damaging you and your children. Although he can mask his behaviour and be a fun dad on a day trip it doesn't make him a good dad when he is abusing his children's mum, financially, emotionally and physically. He does need to do his fair share of chores, you deserve to be able to sleep, caring for DC is your job . When you are both at home household chores should be shared. You both should have equal access to family money, you shouldn't need to ask him for money for groceries. Of course you are exhausted emotional and sometimes snappy and grumpy with the kids anyone would be in your situation.
I'm sorry the freedom programme wasn't helpful, although it seemed to improve things for a while but then his true colours returned.
You can't live the rest of your life like this , please phone women's aid and see if they can offer help and advice. Leaving will be hard but it's a first step to a much better life.
Can you confide in a health visitor or GP they mag be able to help you access support.
Can you take you kids and move in with a family member? Have you confided in family and friend?
Contact the council for housing advice, check you are getting all benefits you can, and phone women's aid.

That was me years ago, you are being controlled but you've not recognised it yet. You've been conditioned for years into believing it's all your fault. I'm sorry you're not ready to see it yet. Think long and hard about every aspect of your relationship from the start to now.