AIBU to want my partner to help work our baby more at night and in the morning?

[TheBerry]

I’m just after some advice and people’s thoughts. I want my partner to help more with our 5-month-old at night and in the mornings, but I’m not sure what’s reasonable to ask for.

To start with, I generally sleep better than my partner. He has insomnia, brought on by stress / overthinking, and he also gets migraines which are triggered by the lack of sleep. I used to be a poor sleeper as well but over several years I learned techniques to get to sleep more easily (I kind of did CBT on myself) and now I normally can get to sleep quickly. I’ve never had migraines.

For about the first two months of out son’s life, we took shifts looking after him at night. I was on maternity leave and my partner was between contracts, so neither of us was working. Due to the lack of sleep, my partner was getting frequent migraines and became almost non-functional during the day, which was obviously a really difficult situation with a newborn. In the end I offered to do the entire night shift, so that my partner could function normally during the day.

He’s better than he was now, but still quite bad. He only just started his new contract a couple of weeks ago, and our son is is 5 months old now, and since he was 2 months old I’ve slept in a separate room from my partner on a mattress on the floor (he needs the main bedroom because it’s quieter and he wakes up otherwise) and have dealt with putting our son to bed, all night time wakings, and getting up with our son when he wakes at about 6am. My partner normally gets up at about 9am, and he’s still tired. I’m tired too, but I go to bed at about 8:30pm every day to try to get enough sleep.

When we check our fitness monitors, my partner often gets less than 6 hours sleep while I often get more than 7, so it’s definitely true that he’s not sleeping much despite having no night time responsibilities.

I guess I just wish he could find a way to combat his sleeping problems so that he could get up earlier and help more (at least on weekends, since he’s now working during the week). I have suggested many things:

⚫️ See the doctor (which he has finally done, and is now on amitriptyline which seems to have improved the migraines a bit but not the sleep so much)

⚫️ Write down everything on his mind before he goes to sleep, which is a technique that helped me (which I think he does a bit but is also quite resistant to)

⚫️ Read rather than watch TV before bed (which he now does, but he does also normally watch some Netflix)

⚫️ Go to bed earlier (which he is resistant to as he says it makes no difference)

I don’t think he knows how much it bothers me or how sleepy I am, because I haven’t really pushed him to help more as I’m not sure what’s reasonable, especially now he’s working.

I’m just wondering what others think. Is this situation reasonable considering how badly he sleeps, or should I ask him to help more - maybe get up earlier with me at weekends, or help with some night wakings one night a week perhaps?

It’s all on you, isn’t it? Night wakings, sleeping on a mattress on the floor (!) even though you’re the one doing the night wakings, managing your own sleep and health, advising him on his, all the bedtimes, all the early starts. But he gets Netflix and lie-ins and late nights and a proper bed?

I say this as an insomniac who gets migraines: he’s being a wanker. He ought to be moving heaven and earth to fix his sleep and frankly even if he can’t, he should suck it up to do his fair share. My DD woke hourly til 18 months and it gave me migraines but I just had to parent through them; same as when I got gastroenteritis when I had a newborn who needed feeding – you just have to get on with it because there’s no choice.

I really can’t improve on what @bussteward has said.

At the very least you should be getting a proper bed - either swapping the arrangements so you are in the main bedroom with the cot, and he takes the mattress or ideally buying another bed so you can both have beds.

He also needs to work on his sleep. He’s being very self indulgent. How convenient that the only thing he’s willing to try is passing all the responsibilities on to you, not anything that requires discipline.

Just wanted to clarify one thing, as I realise I misspoke. I was in a proper bed in the same room as our son until last week (the nursery). I've now moved to a mattress in the spare room as I'm trying to wean our son into having his own room (have monitor obviously and a smart sock). So the mattress is actually my choice.

Our son can't go in the mattress room because it's next to my partner's room and he'd wake up.

I'm amazed at how you're getting seven hours sleep. Does your baby sleep in good chunks? I've only started getting this since mine turned 16 months.

Anyway, back to the point of the thread. I think you can't ask him to do more until he's improved his health. But you can expect him to be doing everything he can to improve it for everyone's sake. I would also look to improve your own sleep environment.

I want my partner to help more with our 5-month-old at night and in the mornings

well, firstly, change your attitude. You should not be wanting the baby’s father to help you as you parent your child. You want him to take equal responsibility in parenting his child.

you said no tv but he still watched netflix?! That’d still a screen. Does he take his phone to bed? I bet he is scrolling in bed.

So approach it in a different way. You tell him you've tried to make it as easy for him as you can and that hadn't worked, so now he just needs to get on with being an equal parent. He does equal parenting to you.

and you go back full-time. And insist in equal parenting every damn day because he is selfish and this isnt lasting and you need go be as financially independent ad you can.

Why do you have to be in the spare room if baby is in his own room?

Surprised amitriptyline has not helped his sleep it's often prescribed for just that (off license). That said it's not an acceptable situation nor sustainable for the longer term. He needs to suck it up and help more. Plus - why is he 'helping' - (or not) .. how is it that you're not the one helping? The point I'm trying to make is that this often used phraseology suggests it's the woman's primary responsibility whereas it's both parents - no one's helping - both parents are equal partners. In Nirvana I suppose.

I think the current way you're doing things sounds best to be honest, but I'd want him to be proactive about trying to improve his sleep, And very very hands on in the day. My sister went on a sleep course about insomnia and found that very helpful. My Dd had lots of sleep problems age 4 and we used this technique where you work out how many hours you can sleep for without waking, say you go to bed at 11 and sleep until 3am. That's 4hrs. Then work out what time you want to get up. Say 6am. Then you'd go to bed 4hrs before 6am. That's 2am. So for a week you'd go to bed at 2am and set an alarm 6am. You'll be hanging. But push through. Then start to go to bed 15mins earlier, adding another 15m every couple of days. Until you're on more of a normal cycle. It was interesting with my daughter, she'd wake at 1:30am like a clock. We found we got to 9hrs sleep block but if we added any more time on the front we'd go back to the night wakings.

If you're still on maternity leave and getting 7 hours of sleep at night and he's getting 6 hours and has to go to work I think yabu because you can nap when baby does. But he should take over one weekend morning for you to have a lie in at least and equally see to baby when he's home.

YANBU except for pushing him to do all the techniques that worked for you. Not everyone will be into writing down their worries or find it helpful.

Hahahah yeah OP just nap when baby does

She’s getting 7 hours because she goes to bed at 8.30pm! If her partner pulled his finger out, she might be able to sometimes go to bed later and have an evening.

Napping when the baby does only works if the baby naps in a cot: most babies I know nap in moving prams, moving cars, or the sling, and most mothers I know found maternity leave, with its zero breaks and relentless 24/7 nature especially if you have a useless partner, far harder than work with its time to have coffee, go to the loo solo, lunch break without being responsible for a small human, commute thinking time, changes of pace throughout the day, and no one doing milk sicks on you while the noisy toy Great Aunt Ada gave the baby goes badoing badoing badoing.

What @bussteward said!

So if he's not going to bed till later, what's to stop him dealing with bedtime and any early evening wake ups?

I know going to bed at 830 is a bit shit, but if you went to bed at 830 and knew you could sleep through till midnight (or wherever he went to bed) you'd catch up on some proper sleep and feel a lot better, I think. Doesn't need to be for ever, just until you get some gas back in the tank (I say doesn't have to be for ever because going to bed at 830 is shit, not because his help should be temporary).

And of course he should be getting up at 6 one day per weekend. That's non-negotiable and pretty much a basic courtesy. DH has never slept well but still talks so fondly of his early morning Sunday walks through our city.

He undoubtedly has medical issues, but a person can undoubtedly have medical issues AND be utterly taking the piss at the same time you know!

Thanks so much everyone for your comments so far. Lots to think about.

In answer to some questions:

@Flittingaboutagain I go to bed at 8:30pm to try to get enough sleep. I’m lucky because my baby is a pretty good sleeper, I think. He has one feed a night and several wake-ups but he often self-soothes or just needs a dummy to get back to sleep. So I’m not up for hours - just fairly frequent short wakings. Unfortunately I’m naturally a sleepy person, and used to get about 9 hours unbroken sleep pre-baby, so 7 hours broken isn’t enough for me! But obviously I’m not complaining, and just get on with it, as it’s more sleep than most mums get.

@GoodChat I can’t move back into the main room with my partner because the baby monitor would wake him up. I really need to move the big bed from the nursery into the spare room so I don’t have to sleep on a floor mattress but it’s a solid bed and I haven’t got round to that yet.

Something else I forgot to mention that is relevant (sorry). When I got pregnant, my partner moved from his house into mine because I was more comfortable there, even though he wanted me to move into his. He doesn’t like it at mine because it’s an old townhouse and parking is hard sometimes and the windows are single glazed, etc. He sleeps better at his (although he still doesn’t sleep well) so it’s actually my fault that his sleep is extra bad. Because he’s made this sacrifice for me, I wonder if I should make some sacrifices for him (e.g. bulk of the childcare).

I agree with this.

I wouldn’t go of a fitness app / watch as in my experience they are not accurate.

my dp gets up with baby everyday. I bf so do all the night feeds. I don’t ask - he offers.

No he's just being an arse about sleep to teach you a lesson

so it’s actually my fault that his sleep is extra bad. Because he’s made this sacrifice for me, I wonder if I should make some sacrifices for him (e.g. bulk of the childcare).
Yikes. Did he tell you this or did he generally tell you similar nonsense to get his own way? Moving in with a partner isn’t a sacrifice and no, you don’t have to do the bulk of the childcare in exchange for relationship compromises.

Your partner sounds like a spoilt man-baby. What time does he go to bed? He can do the bedtime routine to give you a break and he can then do any checks on the baby until he goes to bed. You can then do the nighttime. But a grown man should not need to sleep in until 9am unless he’s working late shifts, so the morning routines should be shared equally between you so you can get a lie-in some days.

He’s a parent. Insomnia sucks. Migraines suck. I suffer with both. I’m sceptical about how genuine your partner’s problems are or whether he’s using them as an excuse to get out of pulling his weight.

What time is he taking his amyltriptiline? As mentioned previously, it is actually used off-label as a sleeping tablet, but he might not be timing his dose correctly to get that added benefit.

I'm wondering if you're ever going to get much support from him or an equal sharing of the responsibilities.

Despite his sleep and migraine problems, it's not clear whether he's trying hard to support the family or has very conveniently taken a backseat (I suspect the latter - if so, I think your problems with him will be ongoing).

I reckon he should try doing nights with baby, start on a weekend / when he's not working. If he isn't sleeping much anyways may as well make use of that. Seems silly you both missing out. Im in a simmilar situation and my partner seems sensitive to sleep but does little about it. I'm. So desperate for sleep Id sleep anywhere at any time.

Agree with this.

How often on his days off are you getting yourself back off to bed for rests or just time for yourself while he takes the dc?

For me it would come down to:
He can either have an uninterrupted night, and gets up early so you can lay in, or He takes some of the night shifts with the baby and on those nights he gets to lay in til 9.

He can't have both.