AIBU to want my partner to help work our baby more at night and in the morning?

[TheBerry]

I’m just after some advice and people’s thoughts. I want my partner to help more with our 5-month-old at night and in the mornings, but I’m not sure what’s reasonable to ask for.

To start with, I generally sleep better than my partner. He has insomnia, brought on by stress / overthinking, and he also gets migraines which are triggered by the lack of sleep. I used to be a poor sleeper as well but over several years I learned techniques to get to sleep more easily (I kind of did CBT on myself) and now I normally can get to sleep quickly. I’ve never had migraines.

For about the first two months of out son’s life, we took shifts looking after him at night. I was on maternity leave and my partner was between contracts, so neither of us was working. Due to the lack of sleep, my partner was getting frequent migraines and became almost non-functional during the day, which was obviously a really difficult situation with a newborn. In the end I offered to do the entire night shift, so that my partner could function normally during the day.

He’s better than he was now, but still quite bad. He only just started his new contract a couple of weeks ago, and our son is is 5 months old now, and since he was 2 months old I’ve slept in a separate room from my partner on a mattress on the floor (he needs the main bedroom because it’s quieter and he wakes up otherwise) and have dealt with putting our son to bed, all night time wakings, and getting up with our son when he wakes at about 6am. My partner normally gets up at about 9am, and he’s still tired. I’m tired too, but I go to bed at about 8:30pm every day to try to get enough sleep.

When we check our fitness monitors, my partner often gets less than 6 hours sleep while I often get more than 7, so it’s definitely true that he’s not sleeping much despite having no night time responsibilities.

I guess I just wish he could find a way to combat his sleeping problems so that he could get up earlier and help more (at least on weekends, since he’s now working during the week). I have suggested many things:

⚫️ See the doctor (which he has finally done, and is now on amitriptyline which seems to have improved the migraines a bit but not the sleep so much)

⚫️ Write down everything on his mind before he goes to sleep, which is a technique that helped me (which I think he does a bit but is also quite resistant to)

⚫️ Read rather than watch TV before bed (which he now does, but he does also normally watch some Netflix)

⚫️ Go to bed earlier (which he is resistant to as he says it makes no difference)

I don’t think he knows how much it bothers me or how sleepy I am, because I haven’t really pushed him to help more as I’m not sure what’s reasonable, especially now he’s working.

I’m just wondering what others think. Is this situation reasonable considering how badly he sleeps, or should I ask him to help more - maybe get up earlier with me at weekends, or help with some night wakings one night a week perhaps?

I've worked and been a full time mum . Work is harder because you don't have control, I didn't get coffee breaks and you have to be on your feet and full of the joys of spring. At home I could be like a zombie , it was just me and the kids.And yes, I dozed when baby did.

I've worked and been a full time mum . Work is harder because you don't have control, I didn't get coffee breaks and you have to be on your feet and full of the joys of spring. At home I could be like a zombie , it was just me and the kids.And yes, I dozed when baby did.

I disagree. I think being a full time SAHP is way, way harder than being a full time working parent.

I work full time.

For me, working full time is much, much easier than being a full time parent. I guess it does depend on your job, though - I have a mid level office job, whereas my partner is a high level professional contractor.

I would love to go back to work full time and have my partner look after the baby!

Also, although his hourly rate is a lot higher than mine, he's only got this one contract this year so we'd actually be better off if I went back to my full time job.

I'm still paying for the same amount of things as I did before (half) so him working isn't really benefiting me in any way at the moment. The end goal is that he'll hopefully get a full time permanent position soon, which would have a high salary, so that's what we're kind of holding out for.

Also, sadly I can't sleep when the baby does as I've yet to manage to get him to nap in his crib during the day! He only naps on the sofa with me after feeding, so tbf I do get that downtime to watch TV while he's napping.

When my partner isn't working, he's good at taking the baby and letting me have a rest upstairs when I need it.

I think working is harder than being home with a baby. I teach secondary school & it's quite full on all day.

Can you focus on getting baby to sleep through? I worked hard on this as we both teach & there's no way we could have done a decent job in school on no sleep. So we did a strict routine with both & they slept through with top up dream feed at 11pm from 6 weeks. If your partner is struggling with broken sleep I would say this is a priority.

That said he does sound quite hard work (your partner). He stays in bed until 9am which is ridiculous when you have a baby & he is supposed to be working. If he wants nights to be unbroken sleep then the trade off if he helps in other ways.

Is his house empty? Could you move in there?

I agree with this too. You actually don’t say you are on maternity leave but I would presume you are. In which case, I think you are being pretty unreasonable expecting him to do more when you already get more sleep than him and you don’t have to go to work.

But I don’t think you should have to sleep on a mattress, if your child is in his own room, you should go back to the main bedroom. His hard luck regarding baby monitor, if he is an insomniac (and I am a chronic insomniac myself) I don’t even see how it matters. I am awake most of the night, I sleep for about thirty minutes at a time and maybe four hours in total, a baby monitor is not going to “spoil” my sleep!

I can also assure you that going to bed earlier and writing everything down before I go to bed, is not going to help me with my sleep and would ask you to keep your patronising comments to yourself if you suggested that to me.

Can I ask why, given you are BOTH PARENTS, that you think you have to cover 50% of costs with a drop in income for maternity leave, you have to feel guilty because he lives with you, not his own house, and you have to do the majority of the hard bits of parenting? At what point does his half of raising the child kick in?

I'm going to probably piss people off but here goes.

I've suffered from insomnia for her 15 years. It's by far the worst thing I have ever suffered from. A couple of years ago I was hospitalised for psychosis after about a week of not sleeping. It's awful, you really feel like you're going insane.

I have tried many things, therapy, CBT-I, medication. The medication often has negative side effects too.

It is held at bay now and I can generally get some sleep most nights, but it really is so awful.

I didn't have children for this reason, I knew I just wouldn't cope.

Just wanted to add another perspective.

Just to clarify, I'm not suggesting that people with insomnia shouldn't have kids.

I just wanted to post from an insomniacs POV. I do sympathise with him.

Are you still on maternity leave? Are you breastfeeding? If you are on maternity leave and he's working full time I think it should be you getting up at night. What does he do for a job? Is he having to drive to work or operate machinery? He shouldn't be going to work shattered if you are still taking mat leave, that's the point in the leave. If you are also back at work ft and he isn't a high rised crane driver well yes you should be 50/50 (if you dont breastfeed obviously).

I have 3 children and have always done night times, I've always breastfed too though so my husband couldn't settle them so it was pointless him trying. We have never slept separately though, that's ruining your marriage territory.

Also, sadly I can't sleep when the baby does as I've yet to manage to get him to nap in his crib during the day! He only naps on the sofa with me after feeding, so tbf I do get that downtime to watch TV while he's napping.

^ can you nap in bed together?

You shouldn't be paying half of everything. You should each be putting into the joint pot proportionate to your income. So currently, him more then you.
You're being had here on a few counts OP.

@converseandjeans I’d love to get the baby to sleep through, but not sure how! I don’t want to just leave him to cry for too long. I only feed him once a night, and the other times he wakes I leave him for a short while to see if he settles and if not I put his dummy in and then leave the room.

We could move to his house, yes. The only reason we didn’t live there to start with is that I wanted to stay at my house - so my partner compromised there. I prefer it here because his house is in an estate outside the city and nothing is within walking distance. The bedrooms are also a lot smaller.

@Aprilx I definitely don’t want to be patronising or a nag. He hasn’t implied at all that I’m nagging, or that my suggestions annoyed him. The suggestions I made were things that helped me - but perhaps my sleep was never quite as bad as his. I never used to wake up at 4am, which he does quite regularly.

@fooyangcake that sounds awful. I don’t think his insomnia is as bad as yours. I’d estimate he gets around 6 hours of broken sleep most nights.

@HalftermHell2 yes I’m still on maternity, and breastfeeding. I agree that I wouldn’t ask him to do nights or early mornings on the days he’s working. I’m just thinking maybe one day a week when he’s not working. I’d love a lie in just one day a week!

@Isthisexpected I’m too scared of SIDS to nap with the baby in bed at the moment!

I think I’ll wait until he’s at a lower stress moment and then ask him to have the baby for one night and morning a week. Maybe Friday night / Saturday morning. The consensus from this thread seems to be that that is fair. He’s a reasonable person, and he loves his son and is very good with him when they spend time together - he’s honestly not a gaslighting manchild, although he’s not perfect of course (neither am I). I do think that getting up at 9am is a bit ridiculous for a grown man, and I think he could improve his sleep hygiene, but ultimately he’s got to drive that change, I guess - not me.

The sleeping habits have got even worse! Its now nearly 10am and he’s not up. He has the sleeping schedule of a teenager - choosing to work late at night and then get up late. I don’t know why he can’t manage his sleep better.

Fortunately this part of his contract will come to and end soon and if I go back to work a couple of days a week he’ll have to get up in the morning with the baby.

He cannot manage his sleep better because he doesnt have to. What would happen to the children if you got up after 10am?

That would be impossible, because the baby is breastfed.

I plan to go back to work 2 days a week asap when DP’s contract reduces to 3 days a week. He’ll have to get up before 7 with the baby then. He’ll just have to find a way to deal with it.

Well, exactly. You couldn't ignore the baby because you were tired. That could be neglect. At best it would be lazy.

but it isnt always impossible. I breastfed two children. I breastfed continuously. My dh did not use those years to do nothing. He would still be up. He would still be parenting in other ways.