Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be suspicious of this

32 replies

Ncforthis115 · 19/02/2023 20:08

DH had a day at work yesterday (as a one off at the weekend - this was already scheduled a few weeks ago). Had to wear smart clothes for that. Left about 11am and came back after 4pm. Came back looking different to when he left. Shirt untucked and unbuttoned on top etc. I've noticed that he looked different and pointed this out to him. He said he went to work gym afterwards, showered there and changed back.
He ddn't have gym bag with him though?

He never goes to that gym, his usual gym is a training class at a different place and when he goes there he changes in gym clothes at home and takes a shower at home when he's back.

This evening said he'll pop in there again and be back in a couple of hours. He packed a bag and left, again wearing normal clothes.

I may add that we haven't been intimate since our DC was born 18 months ago.

Am I overthinking this?

OP posts:
Eastereggsboxedupready · 19/02/2023 20:09

You are not overthinking op.
Lools very bad imo.

clpsmum · 19/02/2023 20:11

Yeah I agree with pp I don't think you are overthink unfortunately

Dontfeedtheseagulls · 19/02/2023 20:11

Doesn't look good.

Ludo19 · 19/02/2023 20:11

Don't let your thoughts gallop away. I know it doesn't look the best but could he possibly be using work gym? Is there any other behaviour that's got you worried apart from lack of intimacy and have you discussed it?

Coffeellama · 19/02/2023 20:12

It sounds dodgy sorry OP, especially as he didn’t have the gym bag with him yesterday… so he could have argued he left it at work, except today he’s packed a gym bag to take with him, so what happened to his gym stuff from yesterday?

MrsMikeDrop · 19/02/2023 20:13

Sounds sus, but you might be being paranoid. Do some digging first

Pssspsss · 19/02/2023 20:14

Honestly if this was me… I’d be very suspicious and I’d be looking for evidence to confirm or dispel my fears starting with the phone

I know I’ll get shot down for that but that’s exactly what I’d do

Christmaspyjamas · 19/02/2023 20:14

Can you tell his line of work and reason for these weekend meetings? People might know how likely that is....

growgrowinggrown · 19/02/2023 20:14

It does sound a little sus but 18 months without intimacy is unusual, is there something more going on other than having a small child?

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 19/02/2023 20:15

Call it out. Doesnt have to be a big argument, but ask him the awkward questions. Why is he wearing normal clothes when he doesn't usually? Where was him gym bag?

Ellie1015 · 19/02/2023 20:18

It seems too obvious. If he was up to anything he shouldnt be then surely coming home with shirt untucked etc is a bit of a basic error to make.

If he was lying about the gym that is strange.

I would try not too worry and just keep an eye out for any other odd behaviour.

Dacadactyl · 19/02/2023 20:19

No YANBU! Doesn't look good and you're right to be suspicious. I'd leave the baby with someone and follow him next time.

BloggersBlog · 19/02/2023 20:20

Is the gym own on a Sunday night? Could you Google and check?

NellietheElephantpackedhertrunks · 19/02/2023 20:25

Not sure but TBH the temptation must be very strong if he has been starved of sex for that long.

Coffeellama · 19/02/2023 20:30

NellietheElephantpackedhertrunks · 19/02/2023 20:25

Not sure but TBH the temptation must be very strong if he has been starved of sex for that long.

How do you no it’s not the OP that’s been ‘starved of sex’? I can’t see where she says the lack of sex is her fault.

TimeForMeToF1y · 19/02/2023 20:30

Is he the kind of person who is foolish enough not to make sure his clothes are fully done up before coming home from seeing another woman?

Emmamoo89 · 19/02/2023 20:31

Doesn't look good

NellietheElephantpackedhertrunks · 19/02/2023 20:32

Coffeellama · 19/02/2023 20:30

How do you no it’s not the OP that’s been ‘starved of sex’? I can’t see where she says the lack of sex is her fault.

Show quote history

Not a fault thing but, unless DH is impotent, it’s a pretty strong need. I’m not saying it’s right but a lot of men would stray if they weren’t getting any at home for prolonged periods.

FlissyPaps · 19/02/2023 20:37

What does he do for work OP? Is it normal practice to go in the office on weekends?

ZenNudist · 19/02/2023 20:38

NellietheElephantpackedhertrunks · 19/02/2023 20:32

Not a fault thing but, unless DH is impotent, it’s a pretty strong need. I’m not saying it’s right but a lot of men would stray if they weren’t getting any at home for prolonged periods.

Show quote history

You are blaming OP which is pretty misogynistic and low. Kick a woman whilst she's down why don't you?

OP trust your gut. Call him out on it and be alert for more of this.

Original poster
Ncforthis115 · 19/02/2023 20:41

The work thing was legit, I know for sure.
He also has a car boot full of stuff, so some spare gym gear could have well been there.
I know there's a gym at his workplace, but I didn't know he was a member.
He's always at home in the evenings so maybe he's just looking for a break from the toddler.
I go to the gym myself a few times a week to get some headspace.
I don't know, just had a weird feeling something may be off. I may wait to see what he's like when he's back tonight.

OP posts:
Yadayadayadayadayada · 19/02/2023 21:17

NellietheElephantpackedhertrunks

I haven't had sex with my DH for over 10 years. It started with him having impotency issues and he never gained the courage to restart. He was offered complete support and zero criticism or pressure. He just put the pressure on himself and it grew.

This led me to making a choice.
Is our relationship enough without sex? or
Will I end up resenting him and need to leave?
As it turns out, I think he is A sexual (I may have the term wrong). He doesn't have strong sexual desires.

As it stands, I came to the conclusion that our love is enough. Our relationship is great, but if ever that changes and I feel differently, I would speak to him and leave.
I would not cheat and try and punish him for it by hurting him.

The excuse about men not controlling their desires etc is crap. He has a choice. He can discuss it with his DW/DP and try and understand how they have reached the point they have and how it could be rectified comfortably for both. He can even leave. He doesn't get to behave like a shameful human being hurting and being deceitful to somebody he purports to love.
That is weakness of character.

If he has cheated, I would put a bet on that the reason they haven't had sex is most likely because he neglected his partners emotional well-being some time ago.

Twinedpeaks · 19/02/2023 21:43

Why haven't you been intimate for 18months? Are there other issues at play?

fuckupthenight · 19/02/2023 21:46

18 months is…a long time to go without sex unless both parties are happy with that arrangement

KarmaStar · 19/02/2023 21:54

Give him the courtesy of asking him ?
All relationships need some confirm of affection and love,do you have that despite a busy life with work,a toddler and running the home?
18 months is a long time unless you are both happy.is this why you feel vulnerable and suspicious?
Don't go in all guns blazing,just say how you feel.
hopefully you can have a good chat,clear the air and move forward stronger 😀

Swipe left for the next trending thread