Gentlemen should please refrain
From flushing toilets while the train
Is standing here at platform number two.
Workers working underneath
Are apt to get it in the teeth.
They wouldn’t like it, nor I think would you.
Gentlemen please be discreet –
Be sure to lift the toilet seat:
The rocking train may make you miss the pan.
Ladies who might follow on
Will get it on their sit-upon
‘Cos they can’t stand and wee-wee like a man.
Piddling while the train is moving
Is another way of proving
That control of eye and hand is sure.
We like our toilets to be neat,
So please don’t pee upon the seat,
Or, even worse, excrete upon the floor.
If the Ladies’ Room be taken,
Do not feel the least forsaken,
Never show the sign of sad defeat.
Try the Gents across the hall,
And if some man has felt the call
He’ll courteously relinquish you his seat.
Honeymooners in the carriage
Do not consummate your marriage
While the train is standing here at Crewe.
To perform your natural function
Kindly wait till Clapham Junction
Where there’s really nothing else to do.
If you simply have to go
When other people are too slow,
There is only one thing you can do.
You’ll just have to take a chance,
Be brave and do it in your pants,
But I’ll forgive you, darling, I love you.