To send DS to my dads for half term?

[patio3]

NC’d for this

I'm a mum of 3, twin 13 year olds (boy+girl) and a 10 yo boy. Every school holiday DS1 and DS2 are constantly fighting, as well as DS1 and DD arguing as he tends to go in her room and hide her things, they also fight constantly. He doesn't listen when I tell him to leave them alone, he goes out and also causes trouble with his friends, picking on younger children etc which he denies and says it's his friends.

The week hasn't started yet but since Friday (DS1 and DD had a training day so weren't at school) he's been misbehaving constantly, DS is also on a ban from his devices due to bad behaviour which has made him worse and he's been saying if I give them him back he’ll behave etc.

My dad has said he can go to him but he'd have to get the bus to the train station, the train and then another bus to his house and neither of us drive. His dad isn't interested as this week isn't his week so it isn't his problem as he says

WIBU to send him to my dads for half term?

Yes. You would be unreasonable to send 1 of your 3 children away because he's hard work especially as he'd have to do a very complicated journey alone. Imagine how pushed out he'd feel. Are you off work to spend the week with them and want to send him away?

Sounds like a good option for at least some of the holiday, or would the other two like some time there instead. Maybe you could do the journey with him there so he knows how to come back. Does depend how familiar the route is.

I don't like the idea of sending one child away due to bad behaviour. Would your dad be able to take the other two, then you and ds1 can spend a couple of days together (with the aim of solving whatever his behavioural issues are), then both go join the others for a couple of days?

The journey would depend on whether he is capable of doing it by himself - 13 can vary alot. (Could you take him to the train and your dad meet him from the train - both using the bus if need be?)

Beyond that I'd send him - especially if youre working through the week too. He's being very challenging, his siblings deserve a break over half term too, I'm assuming your dad doesn't live in a work house and it might be good for him to get some 1to1 attention.

The "give me back my electronics and i'll behave" says he is very in control of what he is doing and is choosing to behave this way so I would be treating him accordingly.

Could each twin have a day/night there?

It sounds like a good idea to split them up - hopefully improving the dynamic - for a while.
I vote go for it.

Your DS1 from what you've described sounds like in the very near future he could potentially be on the wrong side of the law. The behaviour described such as picking on others weaker than him, picking on his younger sibling and his twin sister, resorts to violence when he doesn't get his own way, arguing with people, etc, with all due respect, I would personally class that as bordering on hooliganism behaviour, at this age already.

It is a complicated journey, is he capable of doing it alone? If his behaviour is poor do you trust him to do it? it might well seem to your other two that he's getting rewarded for his bad behaviour by getting to spend time with his grandad. Also is your dad going to be off work for the week to supervise or will he be alone sometimes? Like a pp has suggested I would be inclined to send your two other children and spend some time with your son and work on his behaviour. He's 13 now and should really know better. I'd use the time to get to the root cause of it.

I’d definitely send him for a few days at the beginning of the holiday, but unless he is very used to public transport could you all go on the bus to drop him at the station and then your dad meet him the other end (or you go and leave one or both of the other kids with a friend or neighbour for an hour). I would worry a bit about him doing 3 changes, especially since trains and buses are so crap.

oh and obviously don’t send him
with electronics- or if he has to have a phone for the journey make it clear that he has to give it to his granddad straight away (otherwise your poor dad will become the screen time enforcer which isn’t really fair).

Does he like spending time with your dad? I think it's fine as long as he doesn't see it as a punishment. Could your dad take him fishing or make something with him. I think it's important for children to spend time with grandparents especially teenagers.

I think it depends on how you frame it to your DS, and whether he'd be happy to go or hate it.

If you tell him it's because of bad behaviour and make him feel singled out, yabu.

If he'd see it as a treat and genuinely enjoy the time away and one on one time, then yanbu.

Personally, I'd have to do the journey with my DS at age 13. I wouldn't feel comfortable with him doing it alone

Does your son want to go? Will he have fun with his grandad when he's there? Can you and your dad help with the journey (eg, you accompany your son on bus to train station, see him off on the train, and your dad meets him at the station at the other end)?

well it depends if your dad will be mean to him for causing you agro or not tbh, it happened to me once my mum sent me to my nana's for one night and she spent the entire visit punishing me, my mum hit the roof, she didn't speak to her for 6 months

Nope - if the OP is enforcing a device ban then she can be the one to maintain it. Sending him away and putting this ban onto another adult isn't fair.

Make the punishment? See it through yourself. Otherwise it's just offloading the problem onto someone else.

Yes it would be a bad idea because it would just enforce the idea that when things become hard for him you'll just send him away and not be there for him. His behaviour sounds really difficult but it's a result of his brain being nowhere near developed. He's still a child and like a tantruming toddler; needs your love and care attention despite the feelings he's finding difficult to express in a proper manner

I'd send him tbh, he sounds like he could do with a bit of quality time with a grandparent, hopefully your father can help him a bit.

I would word it as a request from your father though, not as a punishment or being sent away for bad behaviour.

What's going on with him? Could he be neurodiverse, do you think? How tight a leash do you keep on him?

What's the relationship between you dad and son like?
Is your dad likely to lecture him and be strict to try and "straighten him out"?
Or is your son likely to behave well as his siblings aren't there and he'll enjoy being the only child for a few days?

If you tell your son that you're sending him to his grandad because he's naughty, you risk him behaving worse because he may see him as being punished when his siblings probably cause some of the arguments. If he's devious he will be a nightmare when he gets back but then behave well just before the next holidays so you don't do it again.

Have you considered sending the other two kids to your dad's so you can have one on one with ds1? As the saying goes, all behaviour is communication and bad behaviour is a call for attention.

His behaviour sounds really difficult but it's a result of his brain being nowhere near developed. He's still a child and like a tantruming toddler; needs your love and care attention despite the feelings he's finding difficult to express in a proper manner

At 13 he should be perfectly aware that it is not acceptable to pick on younger children when he is out with his friends. If your younger DC was being picked on by a 13 year old you would not be saying oh the poor child hasn't learned to express his feelings in the proper manner.

So have you actually got to the bottom of why he behaved so badly? How long since you split up with his father? A father who doesn't really seem to care about him, which he will know, is that part of the problem?

instead of getting to the bottom of it you want to ship him off, on his own on a reasonably difficult journey

Work on what’s wrong

Does your DS want to go to his grandfather's? If he's keen I'd go for it (maybe with you taking him to the station and his grandfather picking him up the other end if he's nervous about the journey), otherwise it's likely that he'll think you are pushing out which is not going to help his behaviour.

Talking of behaviour, do you know what is causing it? Is he like it at school and are you getting in support with dealing with it?

Well I wouldn't frame it as him being sent away, tell him granddad has invited him, which is the truth. If he's keen great, if he isn't keen maybe appeal to his better nature and say granddad is getting on and it would be nice for him to have a bit of company.

Can't you get the bus to the station with him and granddad meet him at the other end?

If you do it, could your dad meet him at the train station and they get the bus back together? and you could take him on the bus to the train station?

Its a holiday for fucks sake.

My parents used to pack me away to spend time with grandfolks and Aunts and Uncles, I loved it as I'd get spoilt rotten and my parents had a break.