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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send DS to my dads for half term?

51 replies

patio3 · 19/02/2023 12:51

NC’d for this

I'm a mum of 3, twin 13 year olds (boy+girl) and a 10 yo boy. Every school holiday DS1 and DS2 are constantly fighting, as well as DS1 and DD arguing as he tends to go in her room and hide her things, they also fight constantly. He doesn't listen when I tell him to leave them alone, he goes out and also causes trouble with his friends, picking on younger children etc which he denies and says it's his friends.

The week hasn't started yet but since Friday (DS1 and DD had a training day so weren't at school) he's been misbehaving constantly, DS is also on a ban from his devices due to bad behaviour which has made him worse and he's been saying if I give them him back he’ll behave etc.

My dad has said he can go to him but he'd have to get the bus to the train station, the train and then another bus to his house and neither of us drive. His dad isn't interested as this week isn't his week so it isn't his problem as he says Hmm

WIBU to send him to my dads for half term?

OP posts:
MuggleMe · 19/02/2023 13:51

My in laws are taking one of our children at a time for a couple of night, gives the child much needed 1 on 1 time, and different dynamic for those left. But the main thing is they rotate.

HamBone · 19/02/2023 13:54

grumpycow1 · 19/02/2023 13:43

If you do it, could your dad meet him at the train station and they get the bus back together? and you could take him on the bus to the train station?

I was thinking the same, @grumpycow1 , have your Dad meet him at the train station.

if they have a good relationship, your DS1 could have a wonderful time with his Grandpa, lots of 1-to-1 attention and perhaps an opportunity to talk about things (such as why he doesn’t get on with his brother) with another adult who cares about him. My DS (14) is very close to one of our family friends and he talks to her about things- and he listens to her advice. It’s sometimes good to have another trusted adult’s perspective, IYSWIM.

HamBone · 19/02/2023 13:58

Perhaps your other children could spend time with Grandpa during Easter or in the summer holidays? They don’t all need to rotate this half term, it sounds as if your DS1 needs it most right now.

Survey99 · 19/02/2023 13:59

Kids usually act out for a reason and it sounds like your ds needs more support right now than your other two. Do not underestimate how no male role model at home, and a dad that doesn't seem to care impacts a teen boy.

Does he want to go to his grandads? Is is granddad a good role model he enjoys spending time with and will help to get to the bottom of his poor behaviour?

Or will the message to him be he is being sent away because he is too much bother and everyone in his home will be glad to see the back of him, which, when he returns will just make the whole situation worse.

Whatever your decision it should be what helps the situation, and him, longer term.

RobertsRadio · 19/02/2023 14:21

Sounds like a good idea for your DS1 to have some time away with your Dad. It gives all of you a break from each other. Would your son be comfortable doing that journey alone? If not then I'd take the bus with him and see him onto the train and see if your Dad would meet him off the train.

Very disappointing to see yet another feckless father showing no concern for his DS1's behaviour and the well-being of his other two DC, absolving himself of any responsibility of care just because "it's not his week".

LemonDrizzles · 19/02/2023 14:42

Yes but I'd do the opposite. Send the easy ones away and try to get extra bonding/communication development time with the other ds

ancientgran · 19/02/2023 15:13

LemonDrizzles · 19/02/2023 14:42

Yes but I'd do the opposite. Send the easy ones away and try to get extra bonding/communication development time with the other ds

Granddad might not feel up to having two, OP might struggle to pay for two fares rather than one.

Forgooodnesssakenow · 19/02/2023 17:05

tryandcountsheep · 19/02/2023 13:47

Its a holiday for fucks sake.

My parents used to pack me away to spend time with grandfolks and Aunts and Uncles, I loved it as I'd get spoilt rotten and my parents had a break.

Show quote history

Op isn't saying 'is it ok to send my son off on a wee complicated train journey so he can stay with a beloved grandparent, he's very keen.' she's saying 'ive exhausted all other avenues and I can't be arsed with his behaviour while I've all 3 of them so I'm going to send him on a conciliated journey to the only other adult willing to take him for a bit...' that's not the same

girlfriend44 · 19/02/2023 21:00

Send them all and have a nice break

HamBone · 20/02/2023 14:28

girlfriend44 · 19/02/2023 21:00

Send them all and have a nice break

Yes, because every grandparent can cope with three children for a week.

Come on, he’s probably an elderly man, it would be totally unfair to do this!

Original poster
patio3 · 20/02/2023 17:34

I was off work today, and am tomorrow but then I'll be working Wednesday-Saturday, DS2 is at various clubs and friends but DS1 and DD will be at home alone although DD will be out with her friends on various days, I've told DS1 he isn't allowed to go out with his but he hasn't listened and has gone out with them today.

I split with his dad whilst I was still pregnant so his behaviour isn't due to us splitting up. He's always been challenging until he gets his own way, but he's became friends with some children on our street, some older and some younger and since then his behaviour has been a lot worse.

I can't rotate the twins as thatll be double the cost and I can't afford it, and I can't send DS2 and DD as they've both got plans for the week.

OP posts:
Thepurplelantern · 20/02/2023 17:40

@patio3 you are not going to like me saying this and I genuinely don’t want you to feel judged but what you are describing is like my childhood growing up with constant bullying and sibling dysfunctional dynamics. My parents never dealt with it ever and it led to criminal levels of abuse from older siblings towards younger ones. That is the worst case scenario and I’m not saying that is at all how your situation will go but it can get really, really bad. This is your issue to sort out with your children not your fathers. You need to get some advice to help you to navigate this so none of you have to live like this even the disrupters.

RealBecca · 20/02/2023 17:40

Send him but only if you work out how to follow through with discipline. Theres no point sending him for a week of fun.

Its 1000% unacceptable for him to be hiding DDs things and you need to stamp down on that, as well as him just going out and bullying people whenever he wants or you'll have a really hard time when he is even older.

So take the break but use that time to develop a solid plan. Who can you ask for help?

ourflagmeansdeath · 20/02/2023 17:51

Do your DS2 and DD get along well?

Honestly, do it, but with discipline. He's misbehaving and that can't go on - he's got to learn. You've also got to make sure your other 2 children are happy and if they are pretty much being bullied by their brother, you've got to sort that.

BrilliantUsername · 20/02/2023 18:34

Forgooodnesssakenow · 19/02/2023 12:55

Yes. You would be unreasonable to send 1 of your 3 children away because he's hard work especially as he'd have to do a very complicated journey alone. Imagine how pushed out he'd feel. Are you off work to spend the week with them and want to send him away?

I was day dreaming reading this about how wonderful half term would be without the headstrong handful that is my youngest.

But no I would absolutely not do it to her, I'd feel terrible and not enjoy one minute of the easy peaceful time we had with no drama due to the awful guilt. Just no.

Hankunamatata · 20/02/2023 18:40

I'd send ds1 purely to keep him out of trouble

Didyou · 20/02/2023 19:04

patio3 · 20/02/2023 17:34

I was off work today, and am tomorrow but then I'll be working Wednesday-Saturday, DS2 is at various clubs and friends but DS1 and DD will be at home alone although DD will be out with her friends on various days, I've told DS1 he isn't allowed to go out with his but he hasn't listened and has gone out with them today.

I split with his dad whilst I was still pregnant so his behaviour isn't due to us splitting up. He's always been challenging until he gets his own way, but he's became friends with some children on our street, some older and some younger and since then his behaviour has been a lot worse.

I can't rotate the twins as thatll be double the cost and I can't afford it, and I can't send DS2 and DD as they've both got plans for the week.

Is it the same father for all 3 children?

Even if it was not the effects of you splitting up, he is obviously still struggling growing up without a father who has never been around with the mother as far as he has known.

Some family counselling might help or additional support for him.

ACynicalDad · 20/02/2023 19:06

I'd be more tempted to send the other two as a treat than one as a punishment. This could have unintended concequences.

AllOfThemWitches · 20/02/2023 19:15

ive exhausted all other avenues and I can't be arsed with his behaviour while I've all 3 of them so I'm going to send him on a conciliated journey to the only other adult willing to take him for a bit...

So what if this is what she is saying? She could be close to a mental breakdown for all we know, sometimes parents' needs are equally important.

Forgooodnesssakenow · 20/02/2023 20:20

patio3 · 20/02/2023 17:34

I was off work today, and am tomorrow but then I'll be working Wednesday-Saturday, DS2 is at various clubs and friends but DS1 and DD will be at home alone although DD will be out with her friends on various days, I've told DS1 he isn't allowed to go out with his but he hasn't listened and has gone out with them today.

I split with his dad whilst I was still pregnant so his behaviour isn't due to us splitting up. He's always been challenging until he gets his own way, but he's became friends with some children on our street, some older and some younger and since then his behaviour has been a lot worse.

I can't rotate the twins as thatll be double the cost and I can't afford it, and I can't send DS2 and DD as they've both got plans for the week.

Can you pay for your dad to come to you? Then you have childcare for all 3 kids instead of hoping 13 yr olds will discipline themselves while you work

UserNameTwo · 20/02/2023 20:48

My parents sent one of us to stay with my Great Aunt for a week in the countryside a couple of times around that age and we loved it.

HamBone · 20/02/2023 21:45

UserNameTwo · 20/02/2023 20:48

My parents sent one of us to stay with my Great Aunt for a week in the countryside a couple of times around that age and we loved it.

@UserNameTwo i was dumped with my Granny a few times while my parents went on holiday and I loved it. Not sure why this is such an issue, all my cousins stayed with her at times.

nameoftheday · 20/02/2023 22:38

How I wish that I could have sent my DS - at the same age, and also going off the rails and with an absent, useless father - to my dad’s. It would have made all the difference to him to have spent time with a male role model that he respected. Sadly, my father was dead by then, and my son continued to go off the rails. Now an adult, he still has issues.

Psychologists agree that a boy without solid male role models in his life by the age of 14 will be more likely to be troubled.

It’s great that you’ve got the option of your dad’s - go for it!

Original poster
patio3 · 21/02/2023 11:41

DS2 has a different father. He does get along with DD.

I think I will send DS1, my dad coming to us isn't an option as he's also looking after my nephew.

If I don't send him, he'll more than likely be getting into trouble with his friends as yesterday I was told he took a younger child's (10/11) scooter and even when the child told their parent, DS1 still wouldn't give it back to the child and was saying it was his, which he is denying to me and has said its not fair that I've extended his device ban.

OP posts:
anr70 · 22/02/2023 20:16

sweeneytoddsrazor · 19/02/2023 13:25

His behaviour sounds really difficult but it's a result of his brain being nowhere near developed. He's still a child and like a tantruming toddler; needs your love and care attention despite the feelings he's finding difficult to express in a proper manner

At 13 he should be perfectly aware that it is not acceptable to pick on younger children when he is out with his friends. If your younger DC was being picked on by a 13 year old you would not be saying oh the poor child hasn't learned to express his feelings in the proper manner.

Yes I probably would, at the same time as being angry of course. We over estimate the abilities of kids this age so much, especially if they haven't been given specific lessons and models on how to be. Read a book about brain development then comment