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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Have you ever had to quit nursery?

36 replies

merciboocoo · 18/02/2023 22:54

Went back to work recently after maternity leave and my dd who is almost 1 is really struggling with nursery. I expected it to an extent as we haven't really had any time apart. She is a very clingy baby with a few health problems and I don't have family to look after her anyway. So we've quite literally never spent more than a few hours away from each other. For this reason I knew nursery would be a challenge for us both but I didn't realise just quite how bad it would be.

She isn't settling 3 weeks in. She gets overwhelmed with things like meal times and doesn't eat. She doesn't sleep properly there despite being in a brilliant routine with her naps and meals prior to this. I just feel so so bad. Like I'm traumatising her somehow. She doesn't understand why I'm suddenly leaving her 3 days a week in a place she doesn't like. It breaks my heart every time and I feel anxious about taking her.

I wondered if anyone else has been through this and if it eventually got better? I know logically I ought to give it a fair chance but it's so hard. I'm so tempted to just quit and either take leave from work or try and work with her at home with me. I know that can't be a long term solution though. Has anyone here ever actually pulled their dc out of nursery for this reason? Or is it something we both have to stick out?

OP posts:

PuttingDownRoots · 18/02/2023 22:57

Could you try a childminder instead? The smaller environment might suit her better.

confettipig · 18/02/2023 22:58

Stick it out OP. It sounds tough but this isn’t uncommon! I haven’t used nurseries myself but have worked in them some years ago and babies can be like this for a couple of months when they first begin. It is, like lots of things, a phase, but a tough one. Taking her out might confuse her even more and doesn’t sound like a long term solution. Do you hand over quite quickly?

autienotnaughty · 18/02/2023 22:58

Agree re childminder. Was there much settling in?

confettipig · 18/02/2023 22:59

Or, as PP says, a childminder might suit her. They’re often a bit cheaper too and take the children out and about more places so she might feel better about going if there’s lots of distractions, like soft play and the farm!

Mummyboy1 · 18/02/2023 23:01

I agree a childminder might work better. My son used to go to work with me, but at a big childminding setting, 9 or 10 children, and he was so unhappy. I now send him to a different childminder, and after the first week he was settled, she has a maximum of 3 children. Such a difference in him. Wish I'd done it sooner.

WombatStewForTea · 18/02/2023 23:02

Mine hated Nursery at first. She was a lockdown baby who had never really been away from me. It took her at least 6 weeks to stop randomly crying throughout the day. She's now 3 and loves it. She's been ill this week and cried because she couldn't go to nursery.

Is she crying all day every day? Or just at points during the day like mine?

BloomingXmas · 18/02/2023 23:03

Is your child breastfed?

user1284833 · 18/02/2023 23:09

I've literally just taken mine out, we never made it past the settling in process, it was just clear they weren't ready for it and my gut was that it wasn't right. It was making us all anxious and we were seeing the effects all week long, not just around nursery visits. So much separation anxiety. We're going to hunt for a childminder!

SunshineAndFizz · 18/02/2023 23:15

Stick it out, it definitely gets easier.

Taenia · 18/02/2023 23:39

Mine DD took longer than 3 weeks to settle in, has been there about 5 months now and is thriving and really enjoys herself. Doesn't often cry at hand overs and if often laughing and reaching out for the ladies there - she's now 15 months old. The videos and photos they upload for me show her happy most of the time. The times she isn't there's often an underlying cause - hasn't slept well night before, not 100%.

I did notice a massive difference and she really struggled with separation anxiety and was very clingy initally but its got much better now. It makes you feel really guilty and like a terrible mum..

Working from home with her there is just impossible, she's into everything and I have to constantly pay 100% attention to her. She comes bringing toys andbooks to me to play if i dont.. occasionally still falls over... seems to find the one tiny unsafe thing i didnt even known existed in the room before.. I try not to do it but sometimes due to circumstances outside my control I have to work a bit with her there and just results in me doing a bad job of both working and parenting. I certainly wouldn't reccomend it with such young babies xx

I'd give it a bit longer before you make any decisions. Nursery did say babies over a year old can take a bit longer to settle than those under a year old. When my friends 13 month old started at same nursery and she was concerned he didn't settle as quickly as my DD.. just in case it's useful info for you to know. He's also settled fine now and is enjoying it. He was a baby that had never left his parents before this, and hadn't really had much experience of groups or life outside of thr family home due to parental disability and parental illnesses. :)

Gagaandgag · 18/02/2023 23:40

Follow your gut lovely. I did and it worked perfectly for my DC

Easternext · 18/02/2023 23:56

Stick at it, I work in a nursery in baby room we have babies that take longer to settle than others some to the point that they have been so unsettled literally non stop crying so we called parents to collect but they are now happy smiling babies when they come in, some just take a little longer to settle into new routine.
I would just try a 2 hours first day 3 hours second etc for a week or 2 see if that helps.

Original poster

merciboocoo · 19/02/2023 07:29

Just to answer some questions...she isnt breastfeed and hasn't been since she was about 1 month old. She did have introductory sessions of an hour then two then three but it still doesn't seem to have prepared her.

I have thought about a childminder but I'm not sure it would make much difference. All of the ones local to me take a lot of kids, older ones too. The nursery we've opted for is pretty small so there isn't a vast difference in terms of numbers. But with a childminder if they are unavailable or unwell etc then you struggle. At least a nursery has lots of staff.

I just hate it. I really really hate it. I have spent the past year curating this routine that works brilliantly for her and as such she's been happy and thriving. Now she just seems tired and unhappy. When I pick her up she often bursts into tears as though it's sheer relief to see me.

I won't get anything done at home with her here I know that. It would be stressful and unfair on us both. I can't afford not to work. I just wish there was another way.

OP posts:

YouJustDoYou · 19/02/2023 07:35

Hi op, I worked in nurseries - most kids settle, but one or two rarely never do - call it sensory issues (constant noise, shouting, chaos, often no real one on one time depending on the nursery capacity etc, can't deal with the roughness of other young children) but some little ones just aren't suited for a nursery environment (just as many adults never take to lots of noise, crowds, being buffeted around in packed public transport, busyness, eating with other people etc). As previous poster said sometimes a childminder with a much much smaller amount of children to care for, especially in their own home, is perfect for some children.

Lavender2021 · 19/02/2023 07:36

My daughter is almost 3 and has been going to nursery since 11 months old. Nursery days are the worst for bedtime but I think that's from a day full of activity and home is the safe space after behaving herself all day. She happily walks in each morning.

Just give it more time but I wouldn't recommend leaving until you find something else as childcare is crazy in my area with very little choice.

If you do look at childminders ask how much holiday they take a year-one near me takes 5 weeks a year!

Dontjudgeme101 · 19/02/2023 08:07

Have you thought about a Nanny?

Jewelanemone · 19/02/2023 08:18

I also work in a nursery. Babies can take weeks to fully settle in, then one day it just clicks, and they're fine. Consistency is the key. How many days does she go to nursery? If it's more than one, then consecutive days are better than dotted through the week. Be quick at drop off, a goodbye kiss then go - don't drag it out. And be aware that your baby will pick up on your anxiety. Relaxed mums have relaxed babies in my experience. Trust the staff, they've probably settled in hundreds of babies.

AnotherAppleThief · 19/02/2023 08:22

If you do look at childminders ask how much holiday they take a year-one near me takes 5 weeks a year!

How much holiday do you take/have? I take 5 weeks, I need it to rest and spend time with my family. Most people I know take similar amounts. Dh has even more than me, more like 6 weeks.

freyamay74 · 19/02/2023 08:39

Stick with it, 3 weeks isn't very long in proportion to the time she's spent with you. And at this age, around one year old, separation anxiety is high.

As an aside, one benefit of short maternity leave is that leaving the baby is far more straightforward from the separation point of view. My friends and and I returned to work when our babies were 3 months old back in the 80s and early 90s and of course at that age, we didn't have any of the tears and settling issues. Not that I'm suggesting a return to short ML (it's physically tough especially when bf) but it just highlights the point that for many mums now, they're beginning to leave their children at a stage when separation anxiety is hitting a peak. But your dd will most likely be fine... just look at it as needing more time to settle. The sleeping and eating will sort themselves out too. She may develop a slightly different routine and but as long as she's getting enough food and sleep overall then don't stress about it.

The nursery staff will be used to this so should be able to reassure you about how long children need to settle at different stages of starting nursery. Keep very open communication with them and if she's one of those rare children who just can't cope with nursery and really isn't settling at all, then they will be able to identify that and tell you. That's the time to consider other options such as a childminder- though as you say, it can be difficult to get the reliability of nursery as if the cm is sick, taking holiday or just decides to give up, you're stuck.

KangarooKenny · 19/02/2023 08:46

I took one of mine out.
He went straight into the big room and the only place to nap was in a big black tent they had constructed. You couldn’t see in it unless you went to it, so lack of supervision, plus kids were playing in it while others were trying to sleep.
And they insisted he had a hot meal, even though he only wanted a sandwich.
So I was taking a sandwich at pick up, because he was starving, and he’d instantly fall asleep in the car because he was knackered.
I just didn’t feel they wanted to adapt to the individual in any way.

Muu · 19/02/2023 08:47

I had similar. My daughter just didn’t like it and she’d burst into tears whenever she saw my mum (who kindly used to drop her off). The nursery itself was lovely.

Childminder worked out better.

VestaTilley · 19/02/2023 08:50

Don’t attempt to work from home with her with you- completely unfair on her as she’ll get shoved in front of the TV. She’s far better at nursery or with a childminder where she gets vital socialisation with other children.

Unfair on your employer too to WFH with a child; they’d be within their rights to discipline you.

Give up work if you want to, but you may still end up going through the clingy phase when she starts school. Don’t work at home with her though.

Mamabear48 · 19/02/2023 14:30

Maybe try a childminder they have less children and it’s more 1-1 we love ours my baby is 1 and just went to her he absolutely loves going

LotteLomax · 19/02/2023 15:09

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Genevie82 · 19/02/2023 15:39

@YouJustDoYou

Totally agree with this. Op first try a childminder and you may find that being with a mix of older children is actually more interesting for babies. No matter the amount of children a childminders home will be very different environment to a nursery and less chaotic . If it doesn’t work then think about another plan, ie au pair or nanny if you could afford it for a year until they are older and possibly more able to cope in a preschool - nurseries really don’t suit some children and can do more harm than good so trust your instinct xx

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