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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sleepovers at grandparents

53 replies

CastlesByTheSea · 18/02/2023 21:24

My partners family have our DC (18 months) once a week for childcare. Recently they offered to have DC overnight and then keep them the next day which would be the normal childcare arrangement. Also, just for background DC has stayed at grandparents roughly one night a month because GPs want them there and it’s nice for me and partner to have some time too.

My partner has said that he thinks we should use them more and take them up on more offers as he misses time with just us and thinks a sleepover every couple of weeks for one night isn’t too much.

On the whole, I agree that it’s not too much and appreciate we are lucky to have this. However, as with everything in life it’s not as black and white as that.

My family do not have this option to have DC due to distance, moreover, my mother is no longer with us and it’s still very very fresh in terms of grieving. I think DPs family are quick to forget that and can be quite thoughtless in what they say.

I also find there is lots of competing to be favoured GPs and digs at my side of the family. I just feel that due to the awful circumstances regarding my mother they have in turn got everything and more.

I was close to GPs growing up and would never stop this with my DC, but I don’t want them to forget my mother and not see my dad as favourite grandpa too.

YABU - let them look after DC and have lots of sleepovers so you have time to yourselves too

YANBU - a few sleepovers are fine but every week is too much and they can’t replace your own mother however much they try.

OP posts:
Theelephantinthecastle · 18/02/2023 21:33

I wouldn't make it into a competition between grandparents.

It's really about whether you would like a night off from your DC once a week or not?

If it were me, I would prefer a whole weekend every now and then - perhaps once every 6-8 weeks rather than a weekly night as then you could go away for a night or get stuff done around the house.

Lots of people - us included - have zero family support so don't forget to appreciate it a bit as well.

I am sorry you lost your mum.

AlmostSummer21 · 18/02/2023 21:43

I'm very sorry to hear about your Mum 🤗

I didn't vote because I don't think they're the only two options.

They'll never replace your Mum & of course your Dad is just as important.

what was your relationship with them like before your Mum died?

it's so hard to know without knowing them, but maybe they would have been exactly the same if your mum was still here and they just want to help/be involved as much as they can?

your Dad will get different experiences, but he's not missing out because of them.

Its up to you if you're happy for him to sleep over. In one way it makes sense if they've got him the next day, one less rush around morning for you! An evening just with DH. But OTOH an evening & morning with DS.

you could give it a go, but say you don't want to do it every week as you miss him too much!

kids have endless love, he won't live you kess if he loves them too.

But I understand how sad you are that your Mum is missing out 🤗

mondaytosunday · 18/02/2023 21:46

It's nothing to do with your mother. Your child will not know her, so why make it about something that can never be? If you are happy for your child to stay the night then do it.

IceReckon · 18/02/2023 21:52

Every week seems too much at 18 months imo, that's basically shared custody. Not ideal for consistency and it'll become more like they're just doing 25% of the parenting than being 'grandparents to visit' being there that much.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 18/02/2023 21:54

Im so sorry for your loss! - I think you do need to deal with your grief separately and bite your ILs hand off for babysitting. Enjoy couple time! If you choose to have another you may notice, like we did, that invitations for sleepovers dwindle as people CBA with 2 kids. So say yes while you can.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 18/02/2023 21:55

that's basically shared custody

Fucking hell, this place is getting more ridiculous by the day

UWhatNow · 18/02/2023 21:55

Your dad as a ‘favourite grandpa’? What’s all that about? Why do you want your children to think lesser of your partner’s parents? It’s not a competition or about playing favourites. Children will love adults who spend time with them and who are kind to them.

Its lovely that your dc is able to spend time with them and bond. Your wanting to restrict this for your own agenda is a bit off.

FlissyPaps · 18/02/2023 21:55

I think DPs family are quick to forget that and can be quite thoughtless in what they say.

I’m really sorry OP, but I’m struggling to see how them wanting their grandchild for a sleepover more often is them being thoughtless in regards to your mothers death.

MrsMikeHeck · 18/02/2023 21:58

I’m sorry for your loss. I would feel the same about my in laws too in this position. It’s not rational, but it’s perfectly understandable.

Have you explained to your dh how you feel?

Original poster
CastlesByTheSea · 18/02/2023 21:59

UWhatNow · 18/02/2023 21:55

Your dad as a ‘favourite grandpa’? What’s all that about? Why do you want your children to think lesser of your partner’s parents? It’s not a competition or about playing favourites. Children will love adults who spend time with them and who are kind to them.

Its lovely that your dc is able to spend time with them and bond. Your wanting to restrict this for your own agenda is a bit off.

Just to clarify “my dad as a favourite grandpa too” as in both grandpas are in the same league not one because they are more local than the other.

OP posts:
TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 18/02/2023 22:03

Some of you haven’t ever lost a parent and it shows.

Of course OP feels that way about her ILs knowing her mum isn’t around to enjoy the same pleasures with her GC

PurpleFlower1983 · 18/02/2023 22:03

Quite honestly I think children do favour grandparents but that’s not really something you can control, you just need to make sure your DC has lots of quality time with your dad regardless of distance. I would bite their hand off for the childcare!

5128gap · 18/02/2023 22:09

Letting them have the sleepovers will be of huge benefit to everyone. I'd try if I were you.
I lost my mum when my DC were young and I struggled to see my MiL doing the things I didnt get to see my mum do. Even decades later, I had a little cry when it was me, DD and MiL on DDs wedding photo.
But such is life, and I'm thankful I encouraged the relationship. She was the grandma they had left and their relationship was precious.
Don't worry about your DS and dad. What happens at 18m old doesn't define a relationship. They have years ahead when your dad will come into his own in other ways.

Original poster
CastlesByTheSea · 18/02/2023 22:09

Yes, I have spoken to him. He is really understanding and he loved my mum too. It’s just hard. I know only time will help

OP posts:
WFHbore2023 · 18/02/2023 22:10

Every week is too much imo. Don't feel pushed in to anything you are not comfortable with. We only really get our little family unit for such a short amount of time, if you don't feel the need for them to have sleepovers then they don't have to happen.

Just to reassure you a little OP, my mum died 5 years ago this year. My children were 4 and 8 months old when she died.
Even though there is zero chance that my youngest actually does remember her, both children talk about her almost daily, and both say they miss her and talk about how she's in the stars and how she watches over them etc. She is still very much part of their little lives and a loved grandparent.

Original poster
CastlesByTheSea · 18/02/2023 22:11

5128gap · 18/02/2023 22:09

Letting them have the sleepovers will be of huge benefit to everyone. I'd try if I were you.
I lost my mum when my DC were young and I struggled to see my MiL doing the things I didnt get to see my mum do. Even decades later, I had a little cry when it was me, DD and MiL on DDs wedding photo.
But such is life, and I'm thankful I encouraged the relationship. She was the grandma they had left and their relationship was precious.
Don't worry about your DS and dad. What happens at 18m old doesn't define a relationship. They have years ahead when your dad will come into his own in other ways.

I’m sorry you have also lost your mum. I imagine that will be me in years to come crying over missed things still.

OP posts:
Original poster
CastlesByTheSea · 18/02/2023 22:13

WFHbore2023 · 18/02/2023 22:10

Every week is too much imo. Don't feel pushed in to anything you are not comfortable with. We only really get our little family unit for such a short amount of time, if you don't feel the need for them to have sleepovers then they don't have to happen.

Just to reassure you a little OP, my mum died 5 years ago this year. My children were 4 and 8 months old when she died.
Even though there is zero chance that my youngest actually does remember her, both children talk about her almost daily, and both say they miss her and talk about how she's in the stars and how she watches over them etc. She is still very much part of their little lives and a loved grandparent.

That’s really good to hear they talk about her. I would be devastated if DC didn’t. I know he won’t remember as such but he will still feel and know from us.

OP posts:
Original poster
CastlesByTheSea · 18/02/2023 22:14

mondaytosunday · 18/02/2023 21:46

It's nothing to do with your mother. Your child will not know her, so why make it about something that can never be? If you are happy for your child to stay the night then do it.

What a nasty thing to say.

OP posts:
C4ou56 · 18/02/2023 22:15

The ILS don’t get to dictate who your son favours. In time you might find that although he sees less of him your father their personalities are better suited and he is the preferred grandpa

5128gap · 18/02/2023 22:17

CastlesByTheSea · 18/02/2023 22:11

I’m sorry you have also lost your mum. I imagine that will be me in years to come crying over missed things still.

Show quote history

I expect you will. But if its any consolation, its a bitter sweet sadness rather than the raw pain that I'm sure you feel at your more recent loss. And the memories make you smile more often than they make you cry. The gap never fills, but you learn to live around it and to be happy for the time you did have.

WFHbore2023 · 18/02/2023 22:18

I don't know if this is something you would be interested in, but we have had bears made with some of her clothes - mainly her favourites so we have pictures of her wearing them too.

Both my children cuddle them in bed, especially if they are worried about something.

You can keep her memory alive for them. We go out for dinner to celebrate her birthday, and again on the anniversary of her death so that she's very much in our minds on big days. They like to visit her 'garden' at the crem, they pick up fallen rose petals and decorate her plot with them.

Sorry - that wasn't on topic but thought I would pass on something that's helped here.

Original poster
CastlesByTheSea · 18/02/2023 22:21

Thank you, that is a lovely idea. I’m sad to say my dad has already cleared out her things. It was all such a shock and now I don’t feel there are many memories to keep. He kept her jewellery and photos and bits but he was adamant that he needed to clear the wardrobe. At the time I let him do what he needed because I didn’t want to upset him anymore than he was but I guess it is a regret of mine now. Unfortunately I feel there is a lot of regret atm. But yes, I will always do something on important dates.

OP posts:
TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 18/02/2023 22:25

@mondaytosunday what a nasty and unnecessary post, WTF

Thistooshallpsss · 18/02/2023 22:26

Please don’t assume your pil are up for unlimited over nights. We all love our grandchildren but it is so striking how much harder it is looking after little ones even if we are fit and well. Energy levels in your 60s are nothing like those in your 30s. Let them lead with the offer and nurture a relationship where they can step back a bit if they are finding it too much. Sorry for your loss.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 18/02/2023 22:26

CastlesByTheSea · 18/02/2023 22:21

Thank you, that is a lovely idea. I’m sad to say my dad has already cleared out her things. It was all such a shock and now I don’t feel there are many memories to keep. He kept her jewellery and photos and bits but he was adamant that he needed to clear the wardrobe. At the time I let him do what he needed because I didn’t want to upset him anymore than he was but I guess it is a regret of mine now. Unfortunately I feel there is a lot of regret atm. But yes, I will always do something on important dates.

When my dad died I got grief counselling and I was told that the clearing out of the things is the most emotive and divisive stage of grief for families. Some want to keep things as they are and some want to not have constant reminders around and it’s hard to navigate when emotions were high. I was in the latter camp and kick myself all the time for being so hasty Sad grief does funny things to a person OP, make sure you are taking care of yourself