Sleepovers at grandparents

[CastlesByTheSea]

My partners family have our DC (18 months) once a week for childcare. Recently they offered to have DC overnight and then keep them the next day which would be the normal childcare arrangement. Also, just for background DC has stayed at grandparents roughly one night a month because GPs want them there and it’s nice for me and partner to have some time too.

My partner has said that he thinks we should use them more and take them up on more offers as he misses time with just us and thinks a sleepover every couple of weeks for one night isn’t too much.

On the whole, I agree that it’s not too much and appreciate we are lucky to have this. However, as with everything in life it’s not as black and white as that.

My family do not have this option to have DC due to distance, moreover, my mother is no longer with us and it’s still very very fresh in terms of grieving. I think DPs family are quick to forget that and can be quite thoughtless in what they say.

I also find there is lots of competing to be favoured GPs and digs at my side of the family. I just feel that due to the awful circumstances regarding my mother they have in turn got everything and more.

I was close to GPs growing up and would never stop this with my DC, but I don’t want them to forget my mother and not see my dad as favourite grandpa too.

YABU - let them look after DC and have lots of sleepovers so you have time to yourselves too

YANBU - a few sleepovers are fine but every week is too much and they can’t replace your own mother however much they try.

Sorry your mum has died. Mine did as well nearly 9yrs ago

She never knew of or met dd nearly 6 🥲

But we speak of her and have pics of her in our home

My dad is alive and adores her and I believe gave him a new lease of life

But an hour is enough of her as he is in his middle 80's and she won't ever sadly have a sleepover at his

But I believe in quality not quantity and seeing him for an hour brings both much joy

Dh parents are also sadly dead

What I am trying to say gently is that you are lucky to have grandparents who want to have dc to stay

So let ds go for a sleepover weekly

It's not about favourites

And children have so much love to give
So he won't love them more than your dad

He will just love them all

They offered. It says it there in the OP

I'm sorry OP, I can really identify with everything you have written. I lost my mum when my eldest DC was only 2 (she never met my youngest) and I felt like my MIL was secretly happy at the thought of being the only gran. She is a good person and was genuinely sad about my mother's death but there was just an undercurrent of smugness that, if I'm honest, I have never forgiven her for. She has no idea I feel this way but it has definitely led to us having a more distant relationship than we might otherwise have done.

I think you need to consider how entwined you want them in your lives. I would not want anyone having my child for a regular weekly sleepover. It's just not for me. Once in a while fine, but not regularly like that.

If you're OK with it being weekly, and it's not that that's the issue, I think you need to work out why you're really feeling like this. Is it their shitty behaviour? Or is it your grief? Both are valid. If it's the former, I think it's more important not to press ahead and ignore yourself. If it's the latter, then I think it's important to acknowledge that it may well be your grief and possibly look at whether speaking to a grief counsellor might help you to navigate some of this stuff.

I think a lot of this is your grief talking, it’s so understandable. Your heart is aching at the ‘unfairness’ of it all and you yearn for your Mum to be here and share the joy your wain gives you all.

Practically (and emotionally), I think once a week is enough (for now).

I do not have any family support as my mother died and my dad lives in another country. We do not have support from dp's side so it is different but his mum is alive. She is older and not physically capable of childcare. It makes me sad that she is granny to my child. My mother is not on his radar. He knows about her, we tell stories etc, but obviously it is not the same as a living granny. Sorry I cannot be helpful. I just wanted you to know that I think I know what you mean and I entirely appreciate why it is difficult.

Actually, I meant the day time once a week and the ‘occasional’ overnight as and when you are ready.

OP regularity does not necessarily equal more love. I absolutely adored my gran who I only saw 3-4 times a year due to distance. The times I spent with her were all the more special due to their rarity. So don’t worry, your dad will still be much loved.

very sorry about the loss of your mum.

Obviously only let them have your child overnight that feels comfortable for you. Please don’t vilify them, I think they are only trying to support and help you. We live near my in-laws and see them every week for Sunday lunch (they are lovely grandparents and amazing people). We only see my parents in school holidays and they don’t love them any less! There will be different relationships but that’s ok. I’m just glad my children have people in their life who love them. Your children loving your in-laws will not reduce their love for your dad.

Op do what suits you.
Your MIL may feel she's needs to try to give the support of two Grans.
Only you can decide if you want her to have your LO that much.

I don't know how comfortable your DDad would be to babysit over night. I couldn't imagine my Dad or FiL babysitting a young child overnight or even my own Grandpa. He loved being around kids, but I think even he'd have been a fish out of water when it came to having them overnight without my DGran to do the practical stuff.

As someone who can't get their kids watched for a day, I'd 100% go for it!

When my grandson was born his other gran lived and worked overseas. They Skyped and rang but it was obviously not the same as seeing her. I had him 2 days a week from 3 months old, and when my daughter was in teacher training placement when he was 2,I had him every day for 3 months twice. Whenever his other gran came home for a month, I stepped aside if she wanted him on "my days".
She returned home permanently a few years ago and now lives locally so they see each other a lot, as do I still. He loves us both and probably can't remember not seeing her.
As long as your dad has a presence in your ds's life he'll love him for being grandad.
Sorry about your mum.

Some of you haven’t ever lost a parent and it shows.

Well, I have, and I still think the OP IBU.
I understand it might be her grief speaking, but the reasoning is all muddled and really unreasonable.

I mean, I don't think I'd necessarily be keen on dgps having my dc from breakfast one morning until evening the next day on a weekly basis.

I think that will really muddle the child-carer / grandparent line. That is a long time and very tiring for most people who are grandparents age (yes, I acknowledge you can be grandparents at 32, but I am not sure that is the case here.)
Having a sleepover every now and then for you to have a night out / go to a wedding or something is one thing. Even, having them one night each weekend is something I am aware some grandparents do but I'm not sure that is from before you start work one day until after work the next. Looking after them during the day is something else, but I wouldn't want to wear them out with that kind of regular commitment.

So, I think YANBU to say no to their offer but YABVU with your reasoning.

Yanbu there’s something about this situation that you’re finding uncomfortable and it’s triggering for you. Your gut instinct is that you don’t want this.

So if I were you i would follow that. It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks or what the real reasons are, your grieving and don’t want your child away from toy every week so I think you are totally reasonable to decline their offer.

I'm sorry about your mum.

I'd let them do it. From my point of view, with my own DC one set of parents offer to do FAR more childcare but the children have no preference, are just as excited to see each of them, and have a great relationship with both,

And for me, I was brought up in another country, back in the dark ages when there was no internet, so I saw each grandparent for one week each summer until I was 13, plus an occasional family phone call. It didn't affect my relationship with them... they used to write me letters!

It's quality of quantity of time which counts most to the GC... but as an overtime parent, I'd take EVERY offer of an overnight break going!

My DS stays at his grandmother’s house once a night for childcare reasons and because she lives half an hour away it’s easier logistically. It’s been fine for us, a little disruptive in the beginning while he got use to it but now he loves staying there and they have an amazing bond.

My DC are lucky that they have both sets of gp's. We live near my DP's and the DC see them roughly 3 times a week and sleep over every Saturday (mainly because me and my DH works Saturdays until 10pm which is too late for the DC) they see my MIL roughly twice a month and are lucky if they see my FIL 3 times a year. All that said my DC adore both sets of gp's equally.

As long as you talk to your DD about you DM she will never be forgotten.

I get it to a point. My DH died a decade ago, and never met his grandchildren. And yet I still get a pang when I see my DGD with her Grandad on her dad's side and feel a tiny and totally unreasonable feeling of resentment that he gets to enjoy his DGD and my DH never did.

BTW, my own kids' favourite DGM was my MIL who lived three hours away and we only visited every couple of months (but for weekends). So your dad isn't necessarily at a disadvantage.

@delurked this is exactly how I feel! Word for word. We have also become more distant and it is a constant (secret) battle I feel now. I keep going with her but yes the undercurrent is there. I’m sorry you e gone through this as well.

Exactly. Speaking as someone whose mum died decades ago, long before I had DC, I entirely understand how hurtful it can be when PIL are thoughtless. Mine even went on about being the first lady to remove their hat at our wedding after the reception (a friend had told her that that was the protocol) - not saying there wouldn’t be a mother of the bride but implying it.

I don't think this is nasty as such. It's blunt, to the point, and calls a spade a spade. You're obviously still greatly grieving for your lovely Mum so the post has hurt you, but it wasn't meant to be hurtful.

I think what the PP was trying to say is that in laws wanting to spend time with your children isn't connected to your own Mum, ie, this isn't about your Mum. The amount of time they're wanting to spend with your child sounds perfectly normal and reasonable for GPs who live close by, so it would be strange and unfair to restrict that because you've sadly lost your own Mum.

Its not your fault you're feeling "competitive" and protective over your own parents being left out or less popular somehow, but it is unreasonable that it would restrict the other GPs time with your child.

Be kind to yourself, allow your feelings to bubble up, have your little cries over the coming years when you wish your Mum was there to see your DC is doing something, but do realise that In-laws wish to spend time with their DGC is nothing to do with the fact your lovely DM isn't here any more.

Thanks for the replies. Lots for me to think about.

Just to be clear, my DC does see the GPS regularly (every week) and sometimes more if we all do something together too. I would never stop this as I appreciate what they do and I know how important grandparents are.

upping the frequency is what got me questioning it… I said to my DP that if my mum was still here I think I would feel differently as I know they would see her too. if DC still had my mum but due to distance saw her less but the time they had was quality I wouldn’t mind my in-laws still seeing DC more. Without her here I feel I need to fulfil that hole that she has left.

although I have had my differences with my in laws I still always maintain a good relationship. I just wish it could be different and easier. I feel broken that I cannot share any more moments with my own mum. I wouldn’t take these moments from my MIL either but it just hurts for me.

Im not sure I’m still making complete sense! I know what I mean in my head but I don’t think it’s coming across well!!

this change in childcare and frequency has just brought home other feelings which I just do not have the answer to right now.

Excellent post @FarmGirl78

Just to reiterate, that I lost my Mum when my youngest was a baby, and I do recognise those pangs of grief and the 'welling up' when you wish she could be there, but restricting the time the other Grandparents spend with your dc isn't achieving anything.
Acknowledge your grief. Have a cry (lots of cries).
I find it still there years later (eg at my dc's graduations when I just think how proud she would have been). When you loved someone you will grieve them in some way for ever. That is all part of life. But don't build barriers between you and your in-laws because of it.

I am sorry for your loss OP. It's nice you are keen to support the relationship between your son and grandparents but being honest 1 night a week at 18 months old and potentially the next day is a lot. I would be very wary of allowing anyone including my own family to have my kids that much as I have seen it create boundary and control issues long term. It's also a huge expectation of grandparents especially if you have more kids.

Once a week is fine. I know couple families where kids stay over for childcare especially if parents work shifts or live a little distance