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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should only the top players get to play the match?

51 replies

DuchyCazalet · 18/02/2023 17:34

DS12 plays football. He goes to training twice a week without complaint. They usually have matches on Saturdays. The team lose more matches than they win. Some weeks they get a lot of the team showing up to play the match, some weeks less so. DS consistently shows up. For the past few matches DS hasn't been called on to the pitch. I know that he's not the best player and he doesn't have a natural aptitude for the sport. He's quite good natured and doesn't get upset about it.
It particularly stung today as he was going to his grandparents after the match but if I'd known that he wasn't going to be on the pitch at all then he could have gone to them earlier. Sometimes the matches are across the city which is a pain as it's a big chunk of our weekend gone and it stings when its in vain.
I'm not going to complain to the coaches. They're volunteers, they want the team to win and even the coach's son only got a few minutes playing today. DS says that he wants to continue with the training and the matches.
AIBU to reduce the number of matches we bring him to?

OP posts:

RudsyFarmer · 18/02/2023 17:35

I didn’t even know this was a thing!!!!

Keyansier · 18/02/2023 17:37

Your son has blatantly told you he wants to continue with the training and the matches. So why are you asking strangers online to support weight to your side of the argument by disagreeing with what he's told you point blank just to support your personal viewpoint?

MrsMitford3 · 18/02/2023 17:39

My DC all played in a league where the ethos was that everyone gets on during the match.

Do you know why he's not getting to play?
Does your DS play to a decent standard?
Is he coachable?
Does the Coach's child play the same position?

Can he ask the Coach what he needs to do to get in the game-not complaining that he is not playing but things to work on to show eagerness.

Seems off that he is getting no time at all...

LucyWhipple · 18/02/2023 17:40

That’s rubbish.

Our team gives everyone equal play. It’s the only way to build a proper team.

in reality, some of the better players do end up playing more (ds is one of the strongest players & usually plays all 4 quarters) but every single player gets at least half a match, even the player who still consistently kicks the ball in the wrong direction! I know not all football teams are like this but it is meant to be a key part of it in youth football. How can they ever improve if they don’t play?

However if your ds really is ok with it I wouldn’t start taking him to fewer matches if he wants to be at them - hopefully he is still getting something out of it.

MrsMitford3 · 18/02/2023 17:40

*but I def agree with @Keyansier Your son wants to carry on-

Are you fed up and looking for a reason to pull him so you don't have to take him?

Singleandproud · 18/02/2023 17:41

DD plays rugby, every child that turns up gets at least half a game regardless of skill.

plumduck · 18/02/2023 17:42

Keyansier · 18/02/2023 17:37

I agree. He wants to carry on

GreenWheat · 18/02/2023 17:43

What kind of a club is it? If it is selective, ie requires a trial to get a place on the team, then it's different to being non-selective more Little League style. A selective team is by its nature competitive and if your DS isn't getting any games then I would consider moving him to a slightly lower level where he is likely to be selected more often. But if he is happy "making up the squad" then leave him there but absolutely be a bit less available for the matches if you want to make other plans. It seems pointless keeping your Saturdays permanently free during the season if he is rarely going to actually play.

TheSnowyOwl · 18/02/2023 17:44

You son wants to play so yabu.

Knackeredandalsotired · 18/02/2023 17:44

Coaches at every club I’ve known (a few) have made sure all players, especially the reliable ones, get at least 1/3 playing time.

If they’re getting less, maybe talk to the coach about whether he’d be better finding a team at a different level. Or would your DS rather stay with his friends and accept he might not always get match time?

If he’s not a key player, I’d have thought it also wouldn’t be an issue to miss matches if he has something else on - although polite to let the coach know in advance.

Eyerollcentral · 18/02/2023 17:44

Sounds like you are more annoyed than your son. Let him decide if he wants to keep going, it’s not really up to you whether he continues to want to be part of the team or not. Seems like your 12 year old had a more accurate grip of the realities of playing sport than you do.

Snoopystick · 18/02/2023 17:46

He should be getting game time at that age. I’d be annoyed too.

Fallin · 18/02/2023 17:46

Talk to the coach and raise it elsewhere in the club if needs be (welfare officer, chairman etc) He should absolutely be getting game time if he shows up, pays subs, etc.

I understand them maybe starting on the bench for first half or what not, but to get no game time at all is absolutely unacceptable.

My husband has coached all of our kids teams from u7s - u15 and this just wouldnt fly in our club.

Original poster

DuchyCazalet · 18/02/2023 17:49

MrsMitford3 · 18/02/2023 17:40

*but I def agree with @Keyansier Your son wants to carry on-

Are you fed up and looking for a reason to pull him so you don't have to take him?

DH usually does the toing and froing for the Saturday matches so it doesn't really impact me although it does impact family time. I do a lot of the training drops off during the week and have no problem with that. I like him to play a team sport and wouldn't like him to give it up. I just really feel for him when he's turns up on a Saturday and is stood on the side of a pitch for 90mins. The drive home isn't full of talk about how he played, what he could improve on etc. He's always happy for his team if they win.
I'm not into sport myself but by the sounds of it some teams ensure all players get a game.

OP posts:

Ponderingwindow · 18/02/2023 17:49

The club should have specific guidelines. Recreational leagues will generally require coaches to make sure all players get equal time in the match. Competitive leagues and selective teams the rules will be different.

bigTillyMint · 18/02/2023 17:51

What level is the team playing at? I think this will be influencing how competitive the team/manager and coaches are. Competitive football is tough and to keep turning up and trying your best even if you are often on the bench shows great resilience - well done to your DS.

Does your DS want to continue with this team, or would he be ok with moving to a lower level team where they play all the boys regardless of ability.

GoodChat · 18/02/2023 17:55

He wants to carry on training and going to the matches. If he turns up less he's even less likely to get played.

Whosthebestbabainalltheworld · 18/02/2023 17:55

We have lots of this on my sons soccer team. In his case he’s one of the core players, but I can see that others are not and the parents are getting annoyed traipsing miles every Sunday morning for 10 mins game time.

I would say though that it’s poor management at that age not to give him at least 1/2 a game. As they move on another year or two that will definitely change.

I wouldn’t be aggressive about it but you really should have some discussion with the coaches - in a positive sense.

If they have too many players to sub everyone on maybe suggest they rotate the squad and limit the match numbers so that everyone who is there in the day gets at least a half, and if he’s not going to get a game that week then don’t ask him to attend. They can still ask their “core”, but it’s unfair to have players hanging around UNLESS he’s happy enough to be part of it all (and it’s just you who’s annoyed).

Alternatively, they may be giving a subtle signal that he’s playing at the wrong level - in which case is there another team he can join?

mumof1or2 · 18/02/2023 17:55

My son is the same age and the squad is much bigger than needed. Every week the coach asks who's available that week, and then he sends out the team by Thursday via the WhatsApp group so if anyone isn't playing they know in advance and don't need to turn up to the match. Some still go and watch, some don't. Could you maybe suggest this to your coaches? Ours do it in a very fair way so every player has an "off" week and they all still get a lot of games.

newtowelsplease · 18/02/2023 17:57

They should all be getting some game time at that age.

It's a bug bear of mine with my DS's team that they literally say to the kids and parents that game time is based on how well and how hard they train, and their general attitude. Yet the children who play most are absolutely not the ones who turn up to training and work hard, they are the best players. Their best player has played every single minute of football this season and turns up to training about 20% of the time. There are kids who only play about 10 minutes each game and never miss training. At least your club is transparent!

That said I think it's awful to leave a 12 year old unused on the bench. They're not going to learn much, get any exercise or have fun doing that - what's the point??

converseandjeans · 18/02/2023 17:58

YANBU most coaches I know wouldn't allow a 12yo to travel & then get no game time. They need to roster players off for weeks where they have too many.

gillyweed · 18/02/2023 18:12

I've got to echo what is being said above, it totally depends on the league and the level he's playing at.

My son plays for 3 teams; one everyone gets equal rotation on the pitch (but it's a lower league), the other two the best and most needed player on the day, gets game time (but its top league, selective, scouts etc.).

My son is younger, and we've been on the receiving end of not getting game time and now always being picked. It's tough but that's what competitive sport is, it can demoralise but also inspire to get better! If he's happy with the situation leave him to it, or offer to move him to a lower level club where he might get more matches. Sounds like he's quite happy, and often these things change very quickly in teams!

Islafrog · 18/02/2023 18:16

This is very similar to the situation we are in. My 12yo just wants to play football. He knows he's not the best and he often gets just 10 mins at the end or unfortunately sometimes no playing time at all. How he keeps going back every week having to sit on the bench, I do not know. It really infuriates me. None of the other players are going to end up playing professional football and the team is in an mid league in a small town. It's completely unfair, the weaker players don't get the chance to better their skills and confidence. Surely at this age they should all be getting a chance to play, it's not the World Cup, no one is relying on a win bonus, it really doesn't matter if they win one week and loose the next. At that age players develop their skills at different rates, you can't say for certain that the better players age 12 will still be the best players age 16. One thing that does happen which makes it even worse is the stronger/louder players who swear and shout at the ref always get to play which is unacceptable in my mind. It's no wonder young people drop out of sport in this country.

Oblomov23 · 18/02/2023 18:20

Dh huge football fan, as am I. Both my ds's played, ds2 still does. Every player should get some minutes, even the not so great players.

Oblomov23 · 18/02/2023 18:22

If you get no minutes more than once, Talk to the coach. Because that's not ok.

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