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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS uncle wants to meet him Wwyd?

50 replies

Foreveraskingquestions · 18/02/2023 02:51

DS met his dad twice he doesn’t care about DS never asked about him birthdays nothing. His uncle has messaged me on a few occasions I’ve never replied. He’s asking to meet so DS can meet his cousin.

I don’t really trust ex’s family! But his uncle seems to really wants them to meet.

I also don’t want to confuse DS as all he has known all his life is me and his step dad and his family. But then the other part of me is telling me that’s it‘s selfish as he deserves to get to know his biological family.

But then surely he can’t have a relationship with his uncle and niece without his dad then wanting to get involved. His dad is vile and I honestly would not want that man back in our lives he isn’t capable of loving anyone.

What on earth do I do? I really don’t want to damage my child.

My son is 6 now and is doing so well they have never been apart of his life. I just don’t know what is for the best.

OP posts:
IrritableCowSyndrome · 18/02/2023 02:57

If you have doubts about the family, just don't respond.

LadyJ2023 · 18/02/2023 03:03

Similar got a now 13 year old but left that marriage before he was born. He has never seen his real dad due to courts banning him, has never asked about him or received anything either. The uncle messaged when son was 2 and called. I ignored and decided if son wants to know that side then he can when he is old enough to choose to do so if he wishes

DutifulDaughterWifeMother · 18/02/2023 03:05

Sounds like it could end up damaging your son. My advice would be to leave it until your DS is much older & wiser. He can then work through what he wants to do with your support. There will never be a right or wrong answer as only you know what you went through with that family.

Original poster
Foreveraskingquestions · 18/02/2023 03:11

Thanks everyone, think I may just leave it.
His uncle is very close with his mum and dad by the looks of his Facebook and them being DS grandparents they have never contacted me once.

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 18/02/2023 03:17

I think you need to give your son the chance to know his family. It’s unfair to unilaterally decide for him that he can’t have that, though I do appreciate that it may be difficult for you. Your partner may be a great stepdad but his cousin could be a friend for life and at least some positive to his father’s family. I would ask them to visit at your house (assuming that’s safe) and go from there. He knows he has a father presumably and yes you might have to explain daddy wasn’t nice to mummy and you but we can still be friends with other family members.

bananaboats · 18/02/2023 06:41

I would just ignore his messages, if someone doesn't have a relationship with me then they don't have a relationship with my child.

LlynTegid · 18/02/2023 07:05

Probably for the best. Though saddened by it seems your DS not having two of his grandparents in his life.

JuneOsborne · 18/02/2023 07:10

So, this is your child's dad's brother? He must know that his brother has shown no interest in him. He should be messaging his brother asking to meet him! And perhaps encouraging him to stop being a dead beat.

Ignore. The unilateral decision as mentioned by pp has been made by the crappy father in this situation, not you!

They're trading on your guilt. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

ShimmeringShirts · 18/02/2023 07:18

Having been the child in this situation, I wish my mum had let me know my fathers family when I was a child. He himself might have been a useless arsehole who was only good for providing the sperm, but the rest of his family is still my family. I wanted to know them as a child and I wasn’t allowed to. Guess what family I’m closer to as an adult now?

StrawberryWater · 18/02/2023 07:29

Given his father and grandparents can’t be arsed it would be a “No” from me. The whole family sound like wrong uns and you can’t be sure of the uncles intentions.

Just ignore.

If he persists tell him to back off and you’ll discuss the matter with your son when he’s old enough to make up his own decisions.

MRex · 18/02/2023 07:30

It really depends on the character of the uncle and his parents (who may also be behind the scenes). If you know of any issues at all with them, then keep clear. If you only know your ex, then I would personally try to find out more about them to decide if they are like him or not, and to form a view on whether they would add to DS's life. You don't want to invite the ex back in by mistake though, so I'd leave introductions until DS is older.

picklemewalnuts · 18/02/2023 07:30

The brother might know full well his brothers an idiot. The parents may realise they left it too long perhaps out of deference to their son.

Speak to the man, decide how he sounds. You can always block him after. He may be trying to do the responsible thing.

Aprilx · 18/02/2023 07:33

i didn’t have an absent father, my parents remained marred nit for other reasons, never bothered with their families. I am very sad that I never got to know my wider family and as far as I know they had no interest in me, although for all I know, perhaps they tried and my parents just ignored them too. Your son has an interested uncle, I think it is cruel to deny him his family and no, I have never made up for those lost years with my family.

AnotherEmma · 18/02/2023 07:34

If it was me I think I would try and talk to the uncle to get to know him a bit more before arranging to meet up with the children. I would want to know his intentions and whether he wanted to involve or talk about other members of his family. But if he seemed reasonable and respectful I think I would give it a chance so that the cousins could meet and get to know each other.

However, if your ex caused you a lot of pain I can understand why you wouldn't want to go there.

It's ok to protect yourself in this situation, your son needs you to be ok, more than he needs to meet his cousin.

CloudySuns · 18/02/2023 07:38

Could you meet the uncle for a coffee? Just you two - see what he has to say, and what vibes you get, and go from there.

Tough situation, but I do think he deserves an initial meet with you at least - if he is genuine he would be a positive input in your son's life.

TiaraBoo · 18/02/2023 07:45

Good idea to meet the Uncle for coffee.

If I had a crappy sibling, I’d still want to know my niece or nephew.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/02/2023 07:49

CloudySuns · 18/02/2023 07:38

Could you meet the uncle for a coffee? Just you two - see what he has to say, and what vibes you get, and go from there.

Tough situation, but I do think he deserves an initial meet with you at least - if he is genuine he would be a positive input in your son's life.

I think this is a good idea. Then if you’re ok with him, ask him to make it more of a casual bumping into each other at a big park or similar and encourage the kids to play. Build from there, or not as the case may be. He may not pass the test, but if he does, a stable male presence in your ds’s life, even if you don’t see him often will be a positive thing, especially as your ds gets older and is learning what it means to be a man.

PuttingDownRoots · 18/02/2023 07:55

Personally... I'm very happy that my DNs mother encouraged the relationship with my BILs (DNs absent Dads) family.. shes a teenager now and loves her cousins and grandparents, and hopefully DH and me! She comes on holiday with us for example. We found out about her when she was 3 years old.

BIL has very intermittent contact. His loss.

However... he was just immature rather than nasty.

mycatsanutter · 18/02/2023 08:01

@PuttingDownRoots so this is your husbands brothers daughter ?

mycatsanutter · 18/02/2023 08:04

@Foreveraskingquestions I think it's nice he wants to have a relationship with his nephew , he obviously knows his brother is a waste of space . It will soon become clear if he has another agenda . I would meet with him or chat to him first then maybe go to a play barn or a park .

OdeToBarney · 18/02/2023 08:09

Me and my parents have contact with my brother's son. Brother is a useless arsehole (we are all NC) but DNephew's mother has facilitated contact (after a very rough few years) and it's working brilliantly. DNephew loves having family separate to his brother and sister and we love spending time with him. He is older (10) but openly says how pleased he is to see us. It's tricky as your DS is much younger, but could you hear the uncle out and maybe meet him first to assess whether he's someone you'd want your DS to spend time with? We've met with DNephew and his mum since last summer and we will have our first "unsupervised" visit at Easter as DNephew is confident and happy for that to happen. I know when my DD was born it felt even more important to maintain that contact, so maybe that's how the uncle feels? DNephew adores my DD and it's so lovely.

MySugarBabyLove · 18/02/2023 08:11

you are being unfair to your DS here.

What the rest of his family are like is irrelevant here. He may feel that you were wronged and want to reach out. Added to which, this is DS’ family, not yours. It’s not up to you to control whether he knows his biological family, your line that all he has ever known is you and his stepdad and you want to keep it that way speaks volumes.

If you don’t at least acknowledge this what are you going to let your son believe as he grows up? That his family weren’t interested? That his family reached out and you didn’t want him to know them? Saying no at this stage is only ever going to end badly for your DS, and possibly for your relationship.

There have been many threads on here from posters who have useless brothers who have then said they want to reach out to the SIL and be involved in the child’s life and not want the child to grow up thinking their wider family didn’t care, and they are always encouraged to do so. This is exactly the same.

MissMarplesbag · 18/02/2023 08:12

I'd see the uncle first for a coffee to find out more background information. If you are comfortable with him then arrange a quick supervised meeting at a park. Slowly build up the visits but ensure they are supervised and that you can cancel at anytime.

PuttingDownRoots · 18/02/2023 08:21

mycatsanutter · 18/02/2023 08:01

@PuttingDownRoots so this is your husbands brothers daughter ?

Yes my my husbands useless brothers daughter.

He's matured now (he was 21 at the time, but her mother was younger) but too late for his first daughter (he's a decent father to his younger two children).

confessionstoday · 18/02/2023 08:23

I never had contact with my dad but I did with my dads family and I'm grateful that my mum made that happen.

I think you should give him a chance. Meet him for coffee and see what his agenda is.
Your son might be missing out of something wonderful and he might resent you for it when he's older.

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