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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DS uncle wants to meet him Wwyd?

50 replies

Foreveraskingquestions · 18/02/2023 02:51

DS met his dad twice he doesn’t care about DS never asked about him birthdays nothing. His uncle has messaged me on a few occasions I’ve never replied. He’s asking to meet so DS can meet his cousin.

I don’t really trust ex’s family! But his uncle seems to really wants them to meet.

I also don’t want to confuse DS as all he has known all his life is me and his step dad and his family. But then the other part of me is telling me that’s it‘s selfish as he deserves to get to know his biological family.

But then surely he can’t have a relationship with his uncle and niece without his dad then wanting to get involved. His dad is vile and I honestly would not want that man back in our lives he isn’t capable of loving anyone.

What on earth do I do? I really don’t want to damage my child.

My son is 6 now and is doing so well they have never been apart of his life. I just don’t know what is for the best.

OP posts:
JennyDarlingRIP · 18/02/2023 08:27

My uncle is a twat, has never been in his daughters' lives. We did obviously have contact but Oct the years he's done so many things none of the family have contact with him now. However my mum (his sister) maintained contact with his ex partner the mother of his children and we grew up having a relationship with our cousins. It was really nice, I know from what DM has said their mum was wary at first, but our whole family treats them the same as everyone else, we may be related to him but we see him for who he is, and they are our family too.
The only thing that would worry me is why has he left it six years? How old is his own child? Could just be at his own child gets older it makes him think of his nephew more and more and he wants to build bridges.

Anonymousmumof2 · 18/02/2023 08:27

In the last few days I realised how important uncles are. My cousin has gone n/c with his siblings and dad. But he still has that connection with my dad and uncle . And for that I will be forever grateful

LDN1 · 18/02/2023 08:32

On balance, I'd leave it alone and not bother. DS can decide level of contact when older.

plumduck · 18/02/2023 08:35

CloudySuns · 18/02/2023 07:38

Could you meet the uncle for a coffee? Just you two - see what he has to say, and what vibes you get, and go from there.

Tough situation, but I do think he deserves an initial meet with you at least - if he is genuine he would be a positive input in your son's life.

Yes I'd go this route

plumduck · 18/02/2023 08:36

I also don’t want to confuse DS as all he has known all his life is me and his step dad and his family it shouldn't confused him too much. Presumably he knows his step dad isn't his biological dad?

tsmainsqueeze · 18/02/2023 08:39

picklemewalnuts · 18/02/2023 07:30

The brother might know full well his brothers an idiot. The parents may realise they left it too long perhaps out of deference to their son.

Speak to the man, decide how he sounds. You can always block him after. He may be trying to do the responsible thing.

This is what i think too, the uncle may be a good man .

Beamur · 18/02/2023 08:41

If it was me, I would meet the uncle (without DS) and then decide.
I am LC with my Dad but in contact with my uncles. They're actually much nicer than he is!
Even if you decide not to pursue a relationship, in future your DS might want to know more about that side of his history and it would be good to have a friendly contact for him if possible.

Danikm151 · 18/02/2023 08:44

I would say yes. At a neutral place like a park.
I knew my uncle growing up but there wasn’t the pressure of him being a relative just a friend of the family we would see now and then.
It’s an opportunity for him to meet the other half of him

KickHimInTheCrotch · 18/02/2023 08:46

I think you should hear him out, meet up one to one without the kids. Work out his intentions and go from there. I think it's unfair to cut part of DSs family out of his life without trying. Getting yo know his uncle and cousins could be a really positive thing for him.

Zippidydoda · 18/02/2023 08:47

YABU to be wary of links with your child’s father if the father is a shitty person.

Maybe there is a compromise of a slow way to explore a relationship.
For example maybe your child come send letters/emails to from his cousins for a few months. Telling each other about each other etc. Then her knows they exist and gets to know them, but you can gauge how the relationship works before moving non to any more contact or not.

Zippidydoda · 18/02/2023 08:55

I’ll add my own experience actually-

My brother has very little contact with his son. He wasn’t abusive but was a shitty person and left the relationship when she was pregnant. He has a very weak relationship with his son and sees him only once every 6 weeks or so for a few hours. Initially I saw my nephew a couple of times a year, heavily managed by his mum. However them she suddenly stopped contact. I just listened to her because I thought pushing it was worse and I had my own children around the same time so was consumed by managing being a new mum PPD.

Now I simply wrote to him twice a year at Christmas and his birthday. I send a voucher, enclose a short letter telling him about his cousins (who he has never met) and making sure he has my contact details and know I’m around if he wants to contact me. I always get a brief thank you note back.

Although it’s not a ‘real’ relationship I think having some minimal contact his probably helpful for my Nephew and me. I don’t want him to feel like we just didn’t care about seeing him, but I can’t pursue a relationship without his mum actively wanting me to.

I wonder if something like this might work for you. It’ll mean your son always knows his fathers family, knows their care about him and it’ll provide a basis for a greater relationship later on when he is older or if he chooses. However it is at arms length so your interaction with them/the father is controlled.

NoodleDoodleDo · 18/02/2023 08:58

I can't see from what you've said that the Uncle has done anything wrong. It's not his fault his brother is a crap Dad.

Like other posters have said, talk to the Uncle, meet for coffee and see what vibes you get. Tell him your concerns and see how he reacts.

Your child deserves to know his family IF they will be a positive in his life

If it goes well and he seems to have good intentions then you could meet up all together. If it doesn't go well then say no and block him

Soakitup37 · 18/02/2023 09:24

Yabu, you’ve made a huge assumption based on your ex, while he may not be a nice person don’t paint the whole family with the same brush.

that he’s reached out to you shows he cares enough to have contact, probably willing to fall out with his brother to do so. I say give him a chance, your son has the right to know both sides of his family and you are denying him that.

Tandora · 18/02/2023 09:29

you are getting bad advice here. However you feel about DS’s dad , these are members of your DS’s family: his uncle, his cousin. Unless you have safeguarding concerns, if your son’s family are reaching out, you should be supportive of allowing them a relationship. Your son will not thank you for keeping him from other family who wanted to build a relationship with him. It’s wonderful to have cousins. Let your son know his.

NellietheElephantpackedhertrunks · 18/02/2023 09:43

I would, but would downplay and not make it a big deal. You should go on a play date somewhere neutral eg local playground.

If you get on, great and I think it’s perfectly possible just to have a relationship with them and not the others on that side of the family. OTOH if you get bad vibes, just leave it there and don’t meet them again.

Beachhutnut · 18/02/2023 09:55

I would meet him and see what he has to say. Why now? What contact does he have with his brother? If there was any chance he would be facilitating contact via the back door it would be a hard pass.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 18/02/2023 10:02

I think cousin relationships can be important and its quite a big thing to decide that because your sons dad is shit, he can't have a relationship with anyone at all in the whole side of that family even though you have no evidence that they are shit. His uncle has messaged on a few occasions so it doesnt sound like he would be coming in and out of your childs life. He also from what you say appears to be an involved dad so isn't like his brother.

I'd message the uncle and say you have concerns and suggest meeting him separately first to discuss before meeting with your son. Then you can get a feel for if he has your sons best interests at heart or how / where he wants the cousins to meet. I dont think your ex has to be involved

Holly60 · 18/02/2023 10:03

LDN1 · 18/02/2023 08:32

On balance, I'd leave it alone and not bother. DS can decide level of contact when older.

But how many lost years and potentially lost memories will there be by that time?

I think I would explore it OP. Meet him for a coffee, or invite them over for a brief play date at yours. It may be really positive for your son.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 18/02/2023 10:04

Also surely the uncle can only facilitate contact with grandparents and the ex if you give them unsupervised contact? If you just meet at yours or somewhere neutral like a park and you're always there then I don't see how it's an issue

honeyrider · 18/02/2023 10:09

plumduck · 18/02/2023 08:36

I also don’t want to confuse DS as all he has known all his life is me and his step dad and his family it shouldn't confused him too much. Presumably he knows his step dad isn't his biological dad?

I agree with this, looks like you're happy with how things are in your life now and denying your DS the opportunity to meet with his family is putting your own needs first. You can test the water by meeting the uncle on his own and take it from there at a comfortable pace.

If you just put your own want before your DS and ignore his family you're taking a very big gamble because it could all backfire on you later on when your DS is older and finds out that you blocked contact with his family you'll have damaged your relationship with him and he may even cut you out of his life which happens a lot.

Tiredalwaystired · 18/02/2023 10:30

bananaboats · 18/02/2023 06:41

I would just ignore his messages, if someone doesn't have a relationship with me then they don't have a relationship with my child.

That’s a bizarre statement. Surely your child has friends at school, or members of staff at school that dont have a relationship with you?

ThinWomansBrain · 18/02/2023 10:38

friend of mine made a real effort to keep in touch with nieces through split ups and ill health on the part of both parents - they're young adults now, friend remains a strong part of their lives.

Haffdonga · 18/02/2023 10:39

You say you don't want to confuse your ds but as he grows older surely he will be more confused by the fact that he has no knowledge of his biological dad and nobody he can ask questions. If he meets this uncle and cousin (eg in a park or playground) every now and then there would be no need for confusion. Then he would have a contact from his dad's side in the future when he does ask - which he will.

melj1213 · 18/02/2023 10:41

Beachhutnut · 18/02/2023 09:55

I would meet him and see what he has to say. Why now? What contact does he have with his brother? If there was any chance he would be facilitating contact via the back door it would be a hard pass.

Regarding the "Why now?" comment (and I have seen similar sentiments in other posts but this was the last so have used this one to quote so apologies @Beachhutnut as this isn't just aimed at you) the OP says in her post that her child's uncle has messaged on a few occasions despite the fact the OP had never replied.

This to me says the uncle has tried to open dialogue with the OP, has had no response but has kept trying despite that. This to me suggests that the uncle is doing his best to show he wants a relationship with his DN by continuing to try and make contact and showing he's willing to put in the effort whilst also trying to respect the OPs boundaries (IE when he doesn't receive a response he doesn't bombard the OP with more messages, I'm assuming at least or I'm sure the OP would have mentioned this).

As for the grandparents, we don't know why they haven't made contact but perhaps at first they didn't know how to make contact and then as it's gone on longer and longer they've felt like they shouldn't or couldn't make contact after so much time. Perhaps the uncle has told them that he's had no response to any of his contact attempts so they have decided not to put themselves through the emotional trauma of trying to contact their grandson and being stonewalled too. You also don't know what's been going on in their lives - there could have been some health issues or other serious family concerns that has taken up their attention and they felt that it wasn't the time to also be battling for the grandchild as they didn't have the time, energy or just weren't in the right place to be doing so.

For example when my DD was born I was living abroad but my parents were dealing with being carers for my maternal grandparents who had both been newly diagnosed with Alzheimer's/dementia. Other than them coming out to visit when DD was first born, I was the one making most of the effort with ongoing communication - sending photos/letters/video messages; travelling home to visit etc - because they were so utterly exhausted by caring for my GPs and advocating for them in the care system they just didn't have it in them to instigate the relationship, especially due to the distance, and we weren't estranged. Now, we're back in the UK and live 5 mins from my parents, my DD has the best relationship with them. They have so much more time and energy to put into their relationship with DD (and all my nieces and nephews) now that my grandparents have passed and my parents no longer spend all of their time and energy on caring for them.

Also we don't know how old the uncle's child is. They may be similar age to the OPs child and so at 6 they're starting to have playmates/friends etc and he's wanting to have the chance for the cousins to have that friendship. It might even be that the uncles child has another cousin from the other side of the family, the uncle has seen that relationship flourish and wants the chance for that with his child and OPs child too. Or perhaps the uncle's child is a baby and having a child of his own has been the catalyst to renew his attempts to meet his nephew because he wants his child to know his cousin and have that relationship (or for him to at least be able to say he made every effort to create that relationship).

It's really hard to be the "estranged" family as you are treading a very fine line and whatever you do will be wrong to some people - if you don't make contact then clearly you don't care and want nothing to do with the child, even if it's because you're worried about causing upset to the child; if you do make contact then it must be to help the absent parent get contact even of you have a LC relationship with the family member in question; if you make contact and then give up when you get no response then obviously you don't really care and there was something dodgy going on; if you make contact and keep trying despite no response then you're just harassing the resident parent etc - you can't win.

You have to consider what happens if your DS asks about his dad's family when he gets older - if he goes and looks them up and asks why they weren't interested, what happens if they tell him (truthfully) that his uncle tried to make contact but was ignored? That they tried to have a relationship but were prevented from doing so because you presumed they were all deadbeats like his dad? Even if you have done it to protect your son, knowing he could have had a relationship with his wider paternal family who wanted to have a relationship and was prevented from doing so by your actions may cause a whole host of issues further down the line.

OP, personally I think that if your Ex's brother has made sustained good faith attempts to make contact with your child via messages, despite getting no response, then the least you can do is meet him (without the children) and have a discussion about how you want the relationship to progress or not.

That might be that you and the uncle agree to a slow introduction - he can send letters/cards/gifts for birthday/Easter/Christmas and you'll talk to your DS about who is sending them, then maybe progress to meeting in the park/cafe at regular intervals, then having the children meet up and getting to know each other. Equally, you might not be ready for your DS to meet him so you just agree to open communication with the uncle - so you agree to message periodically with updates about DS eg any achievements/photos of him in the school play etc and the uncle can respond to that and let you know of any life updates of his own, ask questions etc with a view to progressing to eventually meeting up. Even if you end up deciding you don't want anything to do with your Ex's family, at least then they can get closure (whether that's a "never gonna happen" or a "I'll leave it to DD to decide when he's older") and know where they stand.

Survey99 · 18/02/2023 10:46

When I think about bf I had in my youth (no children with) that I eventually realised were waste of space arseholes I can see the fruit didnt fall far from the tree where the rest of their family was concerned.

What is his uncle and the rest of the family like? What are his motives. That would heavily influence my decisions. I might meet him alone first to get a clear idea of his intentions.

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