To accept I'll never have any more friends

[Olive180]

I'm 35 and have lost all my friends. Everyone has got married and moved away and started new lives. It was recently my birthday. I got a card from my mum and gran and that was it. I had nobody to do anything with. (I had a nice day by myself to be fair!)

There's nothing to do where I live but I can't afford to move. I feel really trapped. I've joined a few clubs/classes locally over the years but haven't really got talking to anyone in particular. Most of the women my age are quite cliquey and have kids together and talk mostly about their kids and schools etc. I don't mind at all, but obviously have little to contribute!

Aibu to just accept that I probably won't make any new friends now? And any tips for life without friends?

Dont despair, you will make more friends. You just have to keep putting yourself out there. Dont be afraid of rejection. Someone has to make the first move so if you meet someone at a class or wherever, ask if they want to get a coffee afterwards. You won't be the only person you meet who wants more friends.

Maybe download the Meet Up app and see if anything on there takes your fancy, club wise.

My Gran has just made a lovely group of friends through a hobby and she’s 80-something. You have plenty of time OP, it just sounds like you are going through a dry patch.

Do you work? Date? Join online communities? It’s 2023, your world is as big as you make it, tbh.

If you look around in life in general you’ll actually see most people over 30 are looking for friends, I know at the school gates/in work/at home people just seem to want to get back to a place where they sit with a friend/group of girl friends and have a night in. You honestly will find people, it’s just that it’s luck finding and clicking. In the meantime continue new things and also remember most of your friends who are married probably only have their families and people they’ve met at the school gates so give them a phone call! Huge hugs op x

I am 51 and have a thread here on how to make new friends in 2023. It's going quite well:) www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4709176-making-new-friends-in-2023-thread-join-me?page=2&reply=123459544 Join us?

It's never too late. My top 3 tips (1) Put yourself out there and don't be afraid to make the first move
(2) Meetup is great for me in London ( not sure about other locations)
(3) Start something on your own.

Personally, I am not interested in talking about kids, so activity groups work best for me.

I will be in the minority but I think this can be a much healthier approach. Constant trying and failing to make friends over a sustained period can take a real toll on your mental health.

Find things you can do that are still fun by yourself. Learn new things and try to keep interested and interesting.

@WhatNoRaisins I think its good to get out and meet people, but not actively try to get friends out of it. For instance, I have been volunteering for a year, because I enjoy it, but made no friends. But suddenly the other day I met someone else who volunteers, and we have had coffee and made further plans. It takes time.

I do a lot of stuff by myself as well.

I work full time but only 1 day a week in the office and nobody really talks or socialises. It's public sector so we never have socials or anything.

I don't date. I'd prefer to have some real life friends I can hang out with and do things with rather than online ones.

What about taking up a sport such as tennis? They often have beginner sessions and I'd imagine people then go to the club house for a drink or two.

Surprising things (in a good way) have happened to people I've known over 35 OP - I'm optimistic about you having a happy future

Where do you live OP? Are there any hobby groups or social clubs you can join locally?

Hi I've just turned 40, am a mum to a 5yo and almost 4yo and I've never felt as alone in my whole life. Last year I was bullied out of my job which I was in for 14years and lost people who i thought were my friends, but realise now they wearnt. I felt so betrayed by these so called friends and now feel like I cannot trust anyone again.
I'm so busy looking after my kids and hubby and I've no time to myself, to even try new things.

Sorry I'm just rambling on but just wanted to say I completely understand how you're feeling.

I wouldn't take the lack of birthday cards to heart. I've got quite a few friends and never get any.

Can you define having ‘lost’ your existing friends? You mention they’ve moved away and had families, that doesn’t necessarily mean the end of the friendship.

My closest friends live miles away from me (and each other). All have kids apart from one who is child free through choice. When our kids were tiny we never saw each other, it was all just too hectic. Now our children are older primary school aged we can meet from time to time and do things we did pre-kids. We haven’t sent each other birthday cards in decades. I don’t know anyone who does that now? It’s all about WhatsApp greetings now and sometimes we forget someone’s birthday and don’t even do that.

Nevertheless our friendship has endured because we know the nature of friendships evolve over time, life is busy and we don’t have the time to connect with each other all the time now but in the future that will change. I wouldn’t assume all your friends have disappeared forever.

Sorry, I don’t have specific tips on making new friends except to say any friendships I’ve formed in the last few years have occurred organically through work or shared interests. I’ve found volunteering particularly good for meeting like minded people. Any causes your are interested in supporting?

Honestly, just enjoy the freedom you have to please yourself and not to have to deal with other people's dramas! If you happen to meet someone you really like, fair enough, but don't seek friends just for the sake of it, as it won't be natural and is overrated quite frankly.

I’m married and have kids but have recently made a new friend who’s 20 years younger than me - we’re both very interested in current affairs and spend hours putting the world to rights from two different generations perspectives 😄

I have to say it's only on MN that friends are associated with drama. IRL none of my friends have caused drama; we don't live in a soap opera! Judging by the threads on here about cheating or useless husbands/ partners, it seems that they cause most drama.

I don't really understand the many posters who say " My DH is my best friend". What if you split? Or he dies? Don't you sometimes want to discuss girly things like floral midair dresses?:)

midaxi not midair

I have lovely friends with no drama. We aren't in middle school.

OP you will make friends. I think hobbies or meet ups are great ways. And I get why online friends aren't the same they can lead to real life friendships.

You can meet local people online, there are apps like tinder but for friendship like peanut

You can make friends at any age/ stage in life. I think you're bein a bit ridiculous tbh to resign yourself to never making friends again at 35. As my mum would say - you won't with that attitude! 😂

Seriously though, get online, join some groups (and keep going to them), and eventually you'll find a network forming. Takes time (years) and work, but it's perfectly achievable.

I wholeheartedly agree with this. I am late 30s. I have a few acquaintances, mainly my children's friends parents, but no friends that I would go out with or call in a time of crisis. No family / siblings in my life either. I have put myself out there, made the first move, joined things etc many times, but it's just never happened. Trying and failing constantly makes has a huge impact on your mental health and well-being. I no longer try and count myself lucky for my husband and children. For some of us, it just isn't meant to be, and I've been happier since accepting that

I'm kind of the same. I find it very hard to maintain friendships if I don't see them regularly, so I have lost quite a few along the way!
I have a few friends now that I really enjoy spending time with, but I have met most of them through school.
I think that having a dog is just as effective as having children for making friends though! I see it all the time around here. They have to be out and about a couple of times a day, so they regularly bump into each other, let their dogs have a little play together, have a chat and a relationship builds from that!

I'd prefer to have some real life friends I can hang out with and do things with rather than online ones.

Taken in conjunction with the fact that there’s nothing to do where you live, you must realise that you’re choosing to limit yourself with this stance? Also, online friends can become irl friends.

There will be a town or city near you with theatre meet-ups, dance classes, cookery classes - something they interests you. Join some.

You don't have to stick to your own age group - if all the ladies your age have kids then go for older or younger friends. Maybe there's a group for single childless ladies?

I think you probably like your own company so don't feel the need to make friends, so you meet people with a take it or leave it mindset, which is ok and probably means any friends you make will be genuine lifelong ones.

For context, I had a big family and lots of friends but only got 3 birthday cards and no presents for my 21st birthday 😪 mainly because I was pregnant, my husband was working away and my mates were still single/childless and doing the student thing. It happens.