To accept I'll never have any more friends

[Olive180]

I'm 35 and have lost all my friends. Everyone has got married and moved away and started new lives. It was recently my birthday. I got a card from my mum and gran and that was it. I had nobody to do anything with. (I had a nice day by myself to be fair!)

There's nothing to do where I live but I can't afford to move. I feel really trapped. I've joined a few clubs/classes locally over the years but haven't really got talking to anyone in particular. Most of the women my age are quite cliquey and have kids together and talk mostly about their kids and schools etc. I don't mind at all, but obviously have little to contribute!

Aibu to just accept that I probably won't make any new friends now? And any tips for life without friends?

I'm useless at sport but I've joined a tennis club and triathlon club in the past couple of years. Tennis club was too serious and competitive for me, I didn't enjoy it. Also expensive. And the triathlon club was predominantly middle aged men boasting about their equipment lol. I've tried volunteering but struggled to find time to be honest. Most volunteering near me needs a certain amount of time commitment, mostly on weekdays, but I work full time 9-5 hours.

I’ve made friends recently through volunteering, a diverse group age 30-60+! We have coffee weekly and have been out a few times as well as whatsapp chat. I volunteer at parkrun Saturday mornings.

If you’re struggling to make new friends can you try and reconnect with old friends? Or did they end on bad terms?

If you can go along to these group things or volunteering and enjoy the company and small talk without it leading to anything more then that's a good approach. I couldn't personally, just found it draining and depressing but accept that's maybe unusual.

I'm not convinced at all that you can make real friends by repeatedly forcing yourself to do something you don't enjoy.

Why not join an activity you actually like?

If you’ve tried a triathlon club then I’m guessing you don’t mind cycling? If so look up Breeze rides through British Cycling, they are women only rides that usually involve a lovely coffee, cake, and natter half way round 🙂

I'm decades older than you. The only birthday cards I get are from my family and friends I have had since school plus two friends I've met up with regularly since my 20s. Any newer friends (there are quite a few) have never got into sending cards except maybe at Christmas. Plus last year I forgot to send cards to all my nieces and nephews 😳. Life is busy. So ignore that as an indicator - I don't think it's a big thing anymore.

You sound defeatist. If you want new friends, or to re-engage with the old, then you need to make the effort. It's not easy to make new friends but it can happen if you put yourself out there. Best to join groups doing activities you enjoy - if a potential friendship doesn't work out (happened to me a few times), then you still have the activity / group.

Friends do come and go over a lifetime. I'm lucky to have some stable long term friends but we don't live close so don't see each other than often. Other people who meant a lot to me years back are no longer around - no big bust ups, just drifted apart. Some I tried to keep going but they seemed to have moved on, others I let go as we didn't really click. A few still keep saying we will meet but the years roll by. I'm planning to meet someone next week who I have not seen for years - she reached out in her Christmas card.

Good luck!

I moved to a new area where I knew no one. I also work full time during the day. I ended up getting involved in Girl Guiding volunteering as that’s in the evenings. However there would similar with Scouts and other types of Guides isn’t for you.

@Prinnny None of my friendships have ended on bad terms, they've just fizzled out through circumstance. Gradually stopped messaging/meeting up over time.

From my experience, reaching out to old friends never really comes to anything. I tried to get in touch with a couple of my best uni friends. We caught up a bit on our lives and then eventually they just stopped replying. One of them seemed suspicious about why I'd got in touch out of the blue.

There's usually a reason you don't hang out any more... I guess I don't have much in common with a lot of my friends and that's why our relationships have fizzled. Ie. I'm single, have no money, and live in a hosueshare in a suburban wasteland. Many of my friends are up to their necks in raising kids and house renovations. There's only so much I can feign interest or try to relate to choosing granite worktops or whether to get underfloor heating.

I have been married for over 20 years and have grown up DC. Many of my friends are single women in their 30s and some even in houseshares. Maybe because I am not interested in talking about house renovations or DC problems.

Can you set up a book club? They are good for bridging different life circumstances.

Honestly the things I wish I'd done in my own long friendless stage were spend more time reading and spending time learning something (crafty in my case). I did eventually get over my reluctance to do things like go to the cinema alone or a mini break alone which helped make me feel less like I was missing out on life. I did still feel lonely though.

That’s quite sad. I suppose if you have nothing in common and completely different lifestyles it’s understandable the friendship died out. Strange that someone would be suspicious of an old friend reaching out to them tho!

What about joining a gym and doing regular classes or those peanut type apps? I know you don’t want to do online but people might not be comfortable with in person meet ups with strangers.

So what do you enjoy @Olive180? If the answer to that is nothing, then maybe the deeper issue is one of being unhappy with your life and needing to shake it up a bit.