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Original poster

6 year old afraid to be alone ... ever

64 replies

NightSprinkles · 16/02/2023 21:55

Shamelessly posting here for traffic. I'm desperate for help. My six year old DD is terribly afraid of being on her own anywhere even in our house (when we are all at home). She won't go alone to the toilet or to another room or anywhere she can't see either me or my husband. Sometimes when she is distracted she will but only till she realises that she is alone and then she starts screaming and crying. She just panics.

I just don't know what to do. Apart from that I think this might not be normal and there must be something going on it also makes life quite difficult when one of us always has to be with her. I feel she misses out on so much because she is scared all the time of something or the other. She is also scared of water or taking any physical risk.

I'm not sure when it started. She's always been very cautious and hesitant but this inability to be on her own for or to go to another room in the house on her own has been going on for at least a couple of years.

Has anyone got any experience with this it any idea how to deal with it? Anything you can share would be appreciated. I think we need to consult a psychologist (also about her very, very poor eating) but I haven't found anyone suitable and affordable yet.

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 17/02/2023 02:34

BonjourCrisette · 16/02/2023 23:41

It isn't always normal. It is normal for most children to not like their parents going away/out or not being around. It isn't normal if this interferes with their usual daily lives and stops them from doing things that most other children of their age are fine with. If a 2 year old child is scared to go into the next room alone, that is completely average and unremarkable. If a 6 year old child is scared to go into the next room alone with parents present and within easy reach, that absolutely isn't normal and needs some help from someone. And I speak as a person whose six year old was terrified of not being able to see me. She needed help.

@NightSprinkles Is your daughter OK with going to school? Is she OK if you go to the supermarket for an hour without her (in this situation, mine sat at the window wondering if I was dead for most of the time until she was considerably older than yours)? Is she OK to do a sleepover? Can she stay the night with grandparents? Can she go to the park with another mum or someone who isn't a parent and not worry about what you are doing/whether you are OK? Just a few things for you to think about. I would guess most six year olds would be fine with all of these things. If yours isn't, I would definitely go to the GP in the first instance. You may have to push for help but it's worth it. You need to tell the GP the age appropriate things that your child can't do and you need to tell them that it's affecting her quality of life.

Show quote history

This is well within the range of normal for a 6 year old.

Oblomov23 · 17/02/2023 06:43

Have you actually talked to her about this. Allayed her fears? What are her fears? Is it actual anxiety? Have you tried the what it/worse-case-scenario technique or talking about what's the worst that could happen, and realising that they realistically are unlikely. I don't think hoping they will 'grow out of it' like Humpf suggested is a good idea. Surely trying to address it in some way is preferable.

AWaferThinMint · 17/02/2023 06:47

We're in the midst of some of this with my 8 year old who just will not go to sleep. He fights and fights as soon as he has to go to bed and it's like every worry comes into his head. He can be really exhausted but not drop off.

He too hates being upstairs alone, or downstairs alone etc. It's hard!

Oblomov23 · 17/02/2023 06:50

"It isn't always normal. It is normal for most children to not like their parents going away/out or not being around. It isn't normal if this interferes with their usual daily lives and stops them from doing things that most other children of their age are fine with. "

I agree with Bonjour. This is not Normal, at all. No one would wish this on someone. How is this good, preferable. It's not. Hope you find a solution OP.

Oblomov23 · 17/02/2023 06:54

Some people don't like being alone. But isn't that a shame. Because it's a lovely thing. I'm incredibly sociable, but I love being alone too. Don't you want that for her. Or rather the fear she currently has, is not a good place, is it?

WinterFoxes · 17/02/2023 07:28

Have you played all the games with her that are designed to show permanence even when a parent is out of sight, such as peekaboo as a baby or hide and seek now? Let her be in control by being the one who hides first then take turns. Hide in nearby obvious places then gradually get harder to find over several games.

Get her to do small jobs that involve her being in a different room from you. eg unpack shopping and ask her to put the toothpaste in the bathroom etc.

MeinKraft · 17/02/2023 09:16

AWaferThinMint · 17/02/2023 06:47

We're in the midst of some of this with my 8 year old who just will not go to sleep. He fights and fights as soon as he has to go to bed and it's like every worry comes into his head. He can be really exhausted but not drop off.

He too hates being upstairs alone, or downstairs alone etc. It's hard!

You could try a weighted blanket, and reading this: www.amazon.co.uk/Huge-Bag-Worries-Virginia-Ironside/dp/0340903171

Annonnimouse · 17/02/2023 09:33

My current 5 year old charge is very similar to this . I suspect she’s on the spectrum and has a lot of anxiety

Isheabastard · 17/02/2023 09:50

I was an anxious child. When I was about the same age I got fixated that there were gorillas living on our top floor. (Three storied house, but top floor not used because of fallen ceilings). I would dash from/to the loo thinking the gorillas would come down the stairs to get me.

I had overheard the word guerrillas on the news about fighting somewhere or other going on in the world.

Another time my older siblings went to see Jason and the Argonauts, and came back and terrified my younger brother and me about Talos the giant statue. After that my mother made them take us to the toilet.

Perhaps it’s worth reading up on the Highly Sensitive Child by Elaine N Aron.

MuckyPlucky · 17/02/2023 09:56

I’m genuinely aghast at all the posters recommending psychologists or meetings with the school 😮.
Both my kids (11 & 8) are like this… didn’t like going up to the loo by themselves / I had to stand at bottom of stairs & sing so they knew I was there etc.
My 8yo still won’t spend time in their room alone, although my 11yo has started spending time in theirs unaccompanied.
They won’t go down in the mornings on their own without the other one.

Theyve both got active imaginations and tend to imagine all sorts of spiders and ghouls lurking upstairs if they go alone.

It’s totally 💯 normal. Some kids just have different temperaments / imaginations than others. Please don’t overreact & take them to a psychologist just based on this alone!!

Mardyface · 17/02/2023 10:16

I think people assume that if the child's parent is posting about it they are worried enough to think it has over stepped 'normal' or that their child themselves is fed up with feeling scared, so is asking for practical advice. Besides that, being taken to a psychologist is not akin to being taken away into care. It's just help isn't it.

CherLloydbyCherLloyd · 17/02/2023 10:23

MuckyPlucky · 17/02/2023 09:56

I’m genuinely aghast at all the posters recommending psychologists or meetings with the school 😮.
Both my kids (11 & 8) are like this… didn’t like going up to the loo by themselves / I had to stand at bottom of stairs & sing so they knew I was there etc.
My 8yo still won’t spend time in their room alone, although my 11yo has started spending time in theirs unaccompanied.
They won’t go down in the mornings on their own without the other one.

Theyve both got active imaginations and tend to imagine all sorts of spiders and ghouls lurking upstairs if they go alone.

It’s totally 💯 normal. Some kids just have different temperaments / imaginations than others. Please don’t overreact & take them to a psychologist just based on this alone!!

I don’t think that’s particularly normal for an 11 year old. I’d expect to be able to send an 11 year old to the other end of the school alone (hs teacher) - are they at high school yet? How do they manage this at school?

Runaway1 · 17/02/2023 10:53

My dd7 is like this, but not to the same extent. I think it’s a combination of a tendency to be anxious, being highly imaginative, and spending lockdown together all the time at a formative time.

I got the book ‘What to do when you worry too much’ and it helped a bit with her more general separation anxiety. It also helped me as a parent to know how to handle her fear better. I’ve read about playing games around the fear, e.g. hide and seek, but mine struggles with this. One success this week though - she went to the loo by herself while we were out! (I know you will get what a milestone that is for us!)

It sounds like a psychologist would be really helpful in suggesting some games and strategies to help.

Zebramumma1 · 30/07/2024 19:20

I could have written your post myself, and I know it’s been a long time since you originally posted but I was wondering how you have got on with this and if you had any improvements or developments.

My son has just been diagnosed with autism and I’m wondering if this is the early signs for my daughter too.

Terrified to go in any room alone and will not touch fruit or veg… like an extreme fear!

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