6 year old afraid to be alone ... ever

[NightSprinkles]

Shamelessly posting here for traffic. I'm desperate for help. My six year old DD is terribly afraid of being on her own anywhere even in our house (when we are all at home). She won't go alone to the toilet or to another room or anywhere she can't see either me or my husband. Sometimes when she is distracted she will but only till she realises that she is alone and then she starts screaming and crying. She just panics.

I just don't know what to do. Apart from that I think this might not be normal and there must be something going on it also makes life quite difficult when one of us always has to be with her. I feel she misses out on so much because she is scared all the time of something or the other. She is also scared of water or taking any physical risk.

I'm not sure when it started. She's always been very cautious and hesitant but this inability to be on her own for or to go to another room in the house on her own has been going on for at least a couple of years.

Has anyone got any experience with this it any idea how to deal with it? Anything you can share would be appreciated. I think we need to consult a psychologist (also about her very, very poor eating) but I haven't found anyone suitable and affordable yet.

Mine went through this, it was a total PITA. She grew out of it, although it took a while. My husband had differing ideas on how to deal with it, but I remember being afraid as a child about things that in hindsight were ridiculous, and I didn't want that feeling of loneliness for her. I spent a LONG time explaining various noises, reinforcing the fact that the logical reason for a strange noise is likely the actual reason, and not a monster or whatever. She's fine now, but it was hard work and very frustrating!

I would also say she has always been pretty anxious and nervous in general, about trying new things, how she might be injured etc. It has been a slow build of her confidence but now she cycles, skateboards, goes to an outdoor adventure club. She still worries about health, but I think a lot of that was exacerbated by COVID. We just keep explaining things logically to her, and reinforcing that we wouldn't let her do things if they weren't safe. Her confidence is growing all the time.

I think the issue is the extent of it. How extreme it is and how much she is missing out on because of this. Yes, of course all children are afraid of monsters but I don't see other kids her age refusing to go to the toilet on their own (in their own house..with the door open and a parent being in the next room) or needing a parent (or anyone else..she isn't too fussed about who) to be "in sight" at all times.

I understand that evolutionary it makes sense but not to this extent, I think. I like the explanation though. I will tell her that to hopefully help her make sense of why she feels so scared.

I used to cry myself to sleep when I was 6 praying nothing would happen to my parents. I can't remember why but I used to be like this. I was over it by 8 or 9. She just needs love at her age. A hug would always put me at ease.

I'm glad to read though that this behaviour isn't completely unheard of and other kids have been through this too and are improving.

Thank you so much everyone for your inputs. All the replies have been really helpful!!

My daughter was still definitely scared of going upstairs or to the toilet by herself at the age of 6. Her brother was born when she was 5, and as soon as he was mobile she would make him go with her 😂 As I say, it has been a slow process, but now she's at the upstairs and slamming her door stage at 10 years old. Now she's worried about periods, and being a grown up, I definitely think with her she just is an anxious soul, so we try to guide her through it. You know your child best, but what I'm trying to say is that I don't think it's necessarily anything to worry about. Our girl now has sleepovers with pals, has been on Brownie camp - all things that would have been unimaginable just a few years ago. It's been small steps, and a lot of support, understanding and encouragement.

I was like this til about five, and my dad was great with it ( I followed him everywhere and he had to stay while I feel asleep, it was bad). If one parent can put up with it, it might really help and she'll grow out of the anxiety.

@boygirlmom I went through a stage at about 8 years old when I was convinced we were going to all die in a house fire (possibly being exposed to London's Burning had something to do with that 😁). I remember being so scared, it was a very real fear. So I've always tried to see things from the view that no matter how daft it is to me, it's real to her. And it just takes time.

DD too calls her little brother to give her company on the toilet and he more than happily obliges (well...sometimes)😁

It's not just the toilet. She won't for example go and get anything from another room either even if it's just for a few seconds.

I'm torn between not making a fuss and just accompanying her everywhere (and accepting that she will miss out on many things because we need to do everything together) and trying to fix this. I worry that it's an indication of something else going on that needs attention or that it might get worse and yes, I worry about her developing anxiety and / or depression when she is older.

Op I think it depends on how she feels about the worrying. Sometimes (and especially if you do express irritation which it's very hard not to) they can feel really crap about having the fear in the first place. Really do recommend the 'helping your child' book.

This has brought back very vivid memories of my own childhood. I distinctly remember going through exactly what you've described. Though funnily enough hasn't remembered until reading this!

I don't know how long it lasted sorry but I do know I got over it. I remember the terror or running through the house at night to get to my parents bed!

I do know that I am still an anxious and a cautious person. I was always very risk adverse and scared of water or scary things on tv.
I was a very cautious teen and was too scared to take many risks. I'd even leave the room when friends were watching horror films up until my 20's because I knew they would scare and upset me.
My dad used to tell me that it's ok to be over cautious, there's nothing wrong with wanting to stay alive. And (so far) it's kept me safe and served me well. So maybe that might be of some reassurance to you OP

Can you ask school for a meeting with the senco? I appreciate a number of people saying it’s normal but of my children, only my autistic one does this and she also has huge issues regarding food.

Oh and @NightSprinkles I am still anxious and cautious and I think of how to get out of random made up situations like every time I drive over a bridge with my kids in the car, how is save them if we went in. I never leave them alone and I lock all doors, I try and think of escape plans and how to get out of places in fires etc, I worry about them being abducted. All unlikely things but they don't consume my thoughts all the time so I think maybe it's just an overactive protection type thing in our brains. As someone mentioned up thread, like a prehistoric through back type thing

This will sound a bit random, but does your DD have asthma and use a brown "preventative" inhaler? I ask because our usually happy and self-assured (then) 6 year old DD suddenly started crying every time I tried to drop her off at school and couldn't bear to be separated from me just a few days after starting using an inhaler of this type. It took a couple of months of various appointments with Drs and Therapists, but eventually we tried stopping the inhaler and within 48 hours, she was back to her usual self - I had no idea it could affect someone in this way, so just thought I'd mention it on the very small off chance your DD is suffering in the same way. Whatever the issue is, you have my sympathies, as it's incredibly hard when your DD is so distressed and you can't work out what to do to help.

It isn't always normal. It is normal for most children to not like their parents going away/out or not being around. It isn't normal if this interferes with their usual daily lives and stops them from doing things that most other children of their age are fine with. If a 2 year old child is scared to go into the next room alone, that is completely average and unremarkable. If a 6 year old child is scared to go into the next room alone with parents present and within easy reach, that absolutely isn't normal and needs some help from someone. And I speak as a person whose six year old was terrified of not being able to see me. She needed help.

@NightSprinkles Is your daughter OK with going to school? Is she OK if you go to the supermarket for an hour without her (in this situation, mine sat at the window wondering if I was dead for most of the time until she was considerably older than yours)? Is she OK to do a sleepover? Can she stay the night with grandparents? Can she go to the park with another mum or someone who isn't a parent and not worry about what you are doing/whether you are OK? Just a few things for you to think about. I would guess most six year olds would be fine with all of these things. If yours isn't, I would definitely go to the GP in the first instance. You may have to push for help but it's worth it. You need to tell the GP the age appropriate things that your child can't do and you need to tell them that it's affecting her quality of life.

Have you asked her what she's afraid of?

@nightsprinkles my girl was the same - especially when it was darker in the evenings. Wouldn't go into the next room until we had been in and switched on the light beforehand etc. We're maybe 2 or 3 years past it now, she's generally fine, but a bit anxious about sleeping somewhere new for the first time, one of us being away etc, but for the most part she's exactly the same as her peers. I think I didn't worry about it too much because I knew I'd been similar when I was young, and obviously grew out of it! Obviously I'm not in your place, and I don't know her or you, but I think it's very probable it's just her character and that her confidence will slowly grow.

Also I went from being a very anxious child to a very extrovert teenager out clubbing all the time in the 90s...probably not what you'd wish for either, but childhood anxieties don't necessarily lead to similar issues in adulthood 🙂

I don't think something traumatic has to have happened. It could have done, sure. But it could be something has just gotten 'stuck' in her brain.

When I was very very young about 5yrs old or so, I was showing my older brothers friend my pencil case. I picked up a prit stick and as kids do (for no explainable reason) I went to lick it. He pulled it off me and said - no, no, no, don't do that, it's toxic. Well what did toxic mean? He said it meant it was poisonous and I'd die if I ate it.

I was horrified - it was prit stick....something id played with countless times and my Mum had put in my pencil case - what did he mean it could kill me?

For years all I asked was 'will this kill me?', 'is this toxic?'. I wouldn't eat. Had to check every bottle in the cupboard. I worried obsessively, needed constant reassurance etc etc Until my Mum finally took me to a psychologist around 8yrs old.

And all because a 16yr old lad - told me not to lick some prit stick because it was toxic. Nothing traumatic - my brain literally got stuck on something.

I don't think prit stick is poisonous anymore!

My daughter is close in age - did you by any chance spend way more time than normal together during lockdown? I’m wondering if being stuck at home together for ages could have got her used to people being around all the time? You said it had been going on for years - does that coincide with lockdown at all?

Hi. Yes, she's ok going to school. She's never been on a sleep over yet but as long as she didn't have to sleep on her own she'd be fine, I think. It's not so much that she needs me or her dad around but she needs another human. She's perfectly fine going on play dates or clubs without us as long as there are other people. I think, yes, she'd be fine with all of the things you mentioned but I could never leave her alone at home for any time let alone to go to the super market. She won't even let me go outside for two minutes to take the trash out. However, if anyone else was with her, I think, she'd be fine for hours even without seeing me or dh.

No, she doesn't but wow that's really interesting. The brown inhaler is a steroid isn't it and I know some steroids can affect your mood.. Phew, good you figured out it was the inhaler for your DD.

Ds might need the brown inhaler in the future so I'll keep that in mind.

Did it start with Covid? She was almost 4 right? I imagine she's scared something will happen to you or her if you're not together and she just needs time and reassurance, although some of the resources suggested might help. She won't necessarily be able to put her fears into words but the most important thing is you teach her it's ok to show when we're scared as people will help.

My son is similar, he's almost 6. He goes to clubs and school just fine but at home wants company to go to the toilet. When I ask him what he's scared of he says he's scared of Alexa! He doesn't really grasp that Alexa is just a machine and doesn't have the capacity to know what he's doing/scold him etc.

Anyway he got a TV in his room over Christmas and then he wanted to spend time in his room. All of a sudden now that he has an impetus to be there, he's not so scared anymore to spend time alone in his room. He still asks for company to the toilet sometimes but I've also heard him dashing there on his own so I believe he's getting there slowly.

He had lots of questions about death around when the queen died which maybe had an impact but he seems to have stopped with that now. It's a funny little age, starting school, realising people can die, learning about technology. They'll get there with love and patience.

I had this as a child around 7 years old. I remember the feeling that I thought my parents would run off and leave me! It was an awful feeling. The only explanation in my case is my parents separated around that time.
The good news is I grew out of it. It will just be a phase.