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Original poster

Husband works away I think I fell out of love with him

52 replies

Holland990 · 16/02/2023 20:48

I can't be bothered to write a long detailed message about this but I think that's the point. I've stopped caring, not out of choice but I think it's put too much strain on our marriage & I just don't love him the way i used to. He has worked away for 5 years. Sometimes full time, sometimes one week on one week off. We moved away from my home town so my family & old friends are back home. I'm 200 miles away from him & have learned to cope on my own because I've had no other choice. If protested about him working away for the entire duration. I've asked him why he does it. He says because of money. I just feel like whether he has meant to or not money has come between us, the distance has. I feel frozen at the moment because I can't move forward & I can't move back in our relationship. Any advice?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 16/02/2023 20:50

Get a divorce and move on with your life. Don't waste another day.

Astrak · 16/02/2023 20:54

Consult a divorce solicitor.

Abba123 · 16/02/2023 21:00

Move back near your family first. See how life is with him working away then, it might be nicer.

I suppose I’m thinking that people can get too used to being on their own and you might be starting to be more comfortable that way.

Not always bad, but not always good either.

xJoy · 16/02/2023 21:02

Well, You have detached from him so you know you can do this.

In your situation I think the hardest thing would be The Talk, telling other people, the financials. You wouldn't be devastated like a lot of women going their own way after cheating/abuse/disrespect. It sounds like you've gone through it all already, on your own.

Original poster
Holland990 · 16/02/2023 21:06

I hate being on my own. The years have just gone by & he just irritates me now. We have two children together. One is a teen the other 10. We have all just had to get used to this way of living when it wasn't our choice. The amount of resentment I have for him has just taken over. I kind of know the standard procedure I should take. It's just harder when your in it though isn't it 😞
How do you divorce without hurting the kids? That's what I'm stuck in I guess. Or how do I turn back after so much feeling of resentment towards him of how he has pushed my life in a direction I never chose

OP posts:
Original poster
Holland990 · 16/02/2023 21:08

Your right. I've already grieved a thousand times. It's been like a break up every time he's left the house. It doesn't effect me anymore. The devastation has just turned into an annoyance

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 16/02/2023 21:08

Why did you move if he worked away anyway? How did that benefit you and your kids? Are his family good with your kids?

resentment is like drinking your own poison

Quitelikeit · 16/02/2023 21:09

Also did he have other options to work at home?

Brightstar84 · 16/02/2023 21:10

Is your marriage worth an ultimatum conversation for the sake of the children and to try and recover what you had together pre him working away?

Keyansier · 16/02/2023 21:11

This is very sad. You need to weigh up whether:

The money into the household is enough reason to stay
Whether the relationship is doomed regardless (for example, if he was home more, might things improve?)

I would say (from an outsider view from the short snippet of information you shared) that this relationship is over. You mention 'resentment' frequently. How can you resent someone who isn't even there? Unless you resent them being away, or resent them being around when they are there, neither bodes well.

I wouldn't worry about worrying what the split will do to the children. Staying together in a forced relationship would probably be harsher to them.

Realistically, if you start a new life for yourself, are you going to be able to? Where will the kids live for example. how will they split their time if presumably you are going to make a new life to either your home country or a country near to it?

Ndd135632 · 16/02/2023 21:11

I don’t understand why you moved away from your family and friends if he isn’t there anyway

VioletaDelValle · 16/02/2023 21:12

This is pretty much why my first marriage ended.

It's not a relationship when one of you is never home.

Original poster
Holland990 · 16/02/2023 21:13

We moved away because before this job he was in the military. We moved & by the time he left my eldest was settled in school. We are in a nice part of the country. We was meant to stay as a family & create this as our future.

Yeah his family are Great with the kids. My eldest doesn't want to move back now ofcourse. She's now in secondary school and has her own teenage life. My youngest would be ok to move, me I don't know. I miss my life so much but I don't miss the area

OP posts:
LindorDoubleChoc · 16/02/2023 21:17

It will all be fine OP, I promise. Unfortunately you can't move on until you've had the talk with him, which is going to take a lot of guts, but you've reached the point. He doesn't care what you think anyway so he probably won't be too surprised/devastated. You are in charge of your own life and you really must stop allowing him to dictate how you live it.

Original poster
Holland990 · 16/02/2023 21:17

This is the thing. It brings so many other questions I don't know how to answer. How will they see their dad regularly? I don't know. I resent him because all of this wasn't my choice. And now I resent him because of how I now feel. I know that's not right. I did love him. I did worship every part of him. Now he just brings chaos that I've got tired of cleaning up after him

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 16/02/2023 21:20

I think you push them away to cope, you become independent of them as coping strategy.
Resentment is a relationship killer.
‘I think you should take the kids and go home. If he’s working away he can travel for it.

Grizzledstrawberry · 16/02/2023 21:20

If he gave up this job and got one that meant he was home more, do you think your relationship would be fixable, or is it too far gone?

If you think its fixable then offer him a ultimatum, get a job where your home more or we break up, I can't imagine breaking up will be shocking for you or your children, sounds like your basically a single mum anyway.

Prettybutdumb · 16/02/2023 21:21

Holland990 · 16/02/2023 21:06

I hate being on my own. The years have just gone by & he just irritates me now. We have two children together. One is a teen the other 10. We have all just had to get used to this way of living when it wasn't our choice. The amount of resentment I have for him has just taken over. I kind of know the standard procedure I should take. It's just harder when your in it though isn't it 😞
How do you divorce without hurting the kids? That's what I'm stuck in I guess. Or how do I turn back after so much feeling of resentment towards him of how he has pushed my life in a direction I never chose

I’m no expert, but I don’t think the kids would be too devastated, their father is always away anyway. I grew up with a father who wasn’t home much. We were unable to develop much of a relationship and it got to the point where he died when I was 11 and I couldn’t cry. I barely knew him and it made no difference to me.

Quitelikeit · 16/02/2023 21:23

It’s not really as simple as going home then. You have children who are settled and happy, with a great paternal family by the sounds of it.

Also it would be very selfish to move back home and take them away from their father.

Lots of people move away from family for work it’s a dead end resenting him for it.

by all means separate if you are not happy but I think you ought to think twice about moving the kids and their schools

Original poster
Holland990 · 16/02/2023 21:24

I feel like it's gone too far, I've been really trying like I just need some space & ill calm down from the resentful feeling. I've Been feeling like this since October & it's not going away. I feel scared as I've let go of my best friend but I'm not even in control of how I feel I just can't bring myself to be the wife I was, the one that brings 100% to the table & wanting to. Now I half heartily bring it to the table because I'm following protocol. It's what I'm meant to do. Like a job when you know it's time to leave

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 16/02/2023 21:25

It's hard when they come home. At least 2/3 days to get used to them then 2/3 days dreading them leaving again. It wears and makes you cross. They are obvious to family life, don't know kids routines, don't know the kids as that only comes with living with them day to day.
I gave mine an ultimatum and luckily they chose a job near home. It was a bumpy year but they can see now it was the best decision and kids have benefitted enormously

Keyansier · 16/02/2023 21:29

Holland990 · 16/02/2023 21:17

This is the thing. It brings so many other questions I don't know how to answer. How will they see their dad regularly? I don't know. I resent him because all of this wasn't my choice. And now I resent him because of how I now feel. I know that's not right. I did love him. I did worship every part of him. Now he just brings chaos that I've got tired of cleaning up after him

This is secondary and can be sorted out afterwards. Aeroplanes and the internet are not uncommon things. Plane tickets with returns can be bought online very easily these days. I think it's unfair to resent him for this going on for this long when you (presumably?) agreed to it in the first place (but not that your feelings how you feel now are not valid). But again, to go back to my previous message, realistically, if you move to another country and start a new and single (for now) life, will you be able, for example, to afford it? These are all things to give some proper thought.

Quitelikeit · 16/02/2023 21:35

Can he not get a job where he doesn’t need to go away?

Original poster
Holland990 · 16/02/2023 21:41

Nope, I never agreed to it. This entire thing was out of my control. We moved away together in the military yes, but he left & started working away from our current area.

But yes I can See resenting him is unfair, I just can't stop it. I'm not choosing to, it's a feeling that just won't go.

Not really, I can't afford to keep what we have anyway, we would have to downsize etc. First World problems - cut backs etc. I would struggle. But I think he would help me financially for a while to get up on my feet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Holland990 · 16/02/2023 21:42

I've asked him so many times, he's promised me so many times. He never does. The years just go past & nothing changes. We have had this conversation more times than I can say

OP posts: