Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Husband works away I think I fell out of love with him

52 replies

Holland990 · 16/02/2023 20:48

I can't be bothered to write a long detailed message about this but I think that's the point. I've stopped caring, not out of choice but I think it's put too much strain on our marriage & I just don't love him the way i used to. He has worked away for 5 years. Sometimes full time, sometimes one week on one week off. We moved away from my home town so my family & old friends are back home. I'm 200 miles away from him & have learned to cope on my own because I've had no other choice. If protested about him working away for the entire duration. I've asked him why he does it. He says because of money. I just feel like whether he has meant to or not money has come between us, the distance has. I feel frozen at the moment because I can't move forward & I can't move back in our relationship. Any advice?

OP posts:

Zanatdy · 16/02/2023 21:43

I’d think your kids would adapt better than most given they are so used to dad not being around. It must be incredibly hard for your marriage. Can you tell him he either gets a local job or it’s over or are you past that point?

Original poster

Holland990 · 16/02/2023 21:47

It's like physically yeah I can do pretty much anything now, I can handle him working away now I can split up from him now I can be the zombie wife putting his dinner on the table & smile & make everything ok. Mentally I'm trying to move past the feeling of its over & I just can't. I just don't love him anymore. I love him for so many things I'm grateful for so much I don't hate him. It's just not the same. I've outgrown him I guess. If we didn't have kids together this would 100% where we would part & still remain good friends

OP posts:

louise5754 · 16/02/2023 21:53

My husband worked away 22 years sometimes for 10 days sometimes 6 months. I feel bad that we don't have the typical family life but if I moved to where he's based I'd still be alone when he went away.? It's a hard one.

louise5754 · 16/02/2023 21:54

VioletaDelValle · 16/02/2023 21:12

This is pretty much why my first marriage ended.

It's not a relationship when one of you is never home.

What about the military families?

KangarooKenny · 16/02/2023 21:55

I have a DH who says he’ll change etc, but then never does. I think it’s as if I’m having a little strop, he agrees to change to quieten me down, then I settle down and stays the same. It’s like patting the little wife on the head and saying yes dear.
‘You are living the life he wants.

Original poster

Holland990 · 16/02/2023 21:57

This is exactly it. I just feel its actually backfired on him & I feel guilty for it. This is the consequences. What did he really think was gonna happen in the end.

OP posts:

Original poster

Holland990 · 16/02/2023 22:02

We are not in the military anymore. I stay intouch with some of them but you get moved around too much. A few are still in the area some are now overseas others are in different areas now. Its 7 years since he left. I think in terms of me wanting to move back home it's because that was life before I met him. Does that make sense. I would go back to my old life. I don't know, maybe it's because of what feels comforting. I feel quite lost this far away. I feel like I need a big hug & someone to take care of me for a while. I don't really feel strong enough to play the role I do. I do it because I have to but I don't like doing it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Holland990 · 16/02/2023 22:15

Did you stay together? It's just like being married to an imaginary person.

OP posts:

ChocChoc889 · 16/02/2023 22:41

That’s really tough and also understandable really. Divorce him. You two don’t have a romantic relationship, no friendship or partnership anymore. Life is too short. He doesn’t really love you, he would have changed jobs a long time ago if he did.

Fifi00 · 16/02/2023 22:48

This was me about 3 years ago, I said I wanted a divorce as I couldn't cope with the working away ,he started working at home 2 days a week then during lock down from home permanently. If he went back to working away most of the time it would be over. I resented the impact on my own career which has unsociable hours at times.

Fifi00 · 16/02/2023 22:50

louise5754 · 16/02/2023 21:54

What about the military families?

Show quote history

My dbro is in the military his own son isn't bothered when dad leaves as he's used to it. He even had to miss DFs wedding because he was away and sil was crying. It's no life I'm still mad at DF for pushing him to do it.

Original poster

Holland990 · 16/02/2023 23:01

Ah Jesus don't get me started on the impact of career. I have no career. I have a job I'm self employed to pick my hours so I'm available for my children because no one else is. He's not. I don't mind my job but I was never even given a choice to do what I wanted. I took what works not what I want.
I'm glad you figured your situation out. It's so hard

OP posts:

louise5754 · 17/02/2023 10:06

@VioletaDelValle
It's not a relationship when one of you is never home.

@Fifi00
It's no life

You're both very ignorant

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 17/02/2023 10:12

You've spent 5 years telling him thus doesn't work for you. He has spent those 5 years showing you exactly where you are on his priority list. It's low.

I think you should make steps to separate. Stay in your area by all means, sounds nice. But just separate. He can sort himself a little flat and the kids can go stay there when he is back on leave.

This isn't even a half life for you. You are worth more than this.

VioletaDelValle · 17/02/2023 10:37

louise5754 · 17/02/2023 10:06

@VioletaDelValle
It's not a relationship when one of you is never home.

@Fifi00
It's no life

You're both very ignorant

I'm not ignorant. I've lived this life and it was the reason I got divorced.
It might work for some people but it didn't for me and it clearly isn't for the OP.

He's working away by choice, he's actively choosing to spend time away from his wife and children despite being told how much it upsets his wife.

hekissedmybottom · 17/02/2023 10:41

What would the difference to your life be if you divorced him?

Would you move? Would you get someone else?

VioletaDelValle · 17/02/2023 10:43

louise5754 · 16/02/2023 21:54

What about the military families?

Show quote history

What about them?

Some people might like being married to someone they never see but personally I like to spend time with the person I married and I expect them to participate in family life on a daily basis. I would have never married someone in the military for that reason.

Both me and DH travel for work but we set a limit on the amount of time we will be away so that it doesn't have an impact on family life or the other person's career.

I was married to someone who choose to work away without consulting me. I was lucky if I saw him one day a fortnight. That wasn't the sort of relationship I signed up for and it killed our marriage.

Krystalball · 17/02/2023 10:43

Proximity is massively important in relationships and more important to some than others. I know I couldn’t sustain a long distance relationship.

It sounds like you’ve reached a point where you need to start building a life that works for you. What would be the first step?

IwasToldThereWouldBeCake · 17/02/2023 10:43

Exercise agency over your own life, you are not a passenger, or at least you don't have to be. That's your choice.

SleeplessInEngland · 17/02/2023 10:45

Well this is mumsnet so everyone will just say 'get a divorce now', but in your case it sounds like you've tried getting through to him and he's stonewalled you, so I'm not sure what else there is to say.

TomatoSandwiches · 17/02/2023 11:28

He is living his life the way he wants to at your expense and when you have voiced your unhappiness he has effectively ignored you and continued to do what works for him.

I think you've lived like this long enough and should start taking back some control to do things for yourself the way you want to live.

It's never too late to start again, go for it and put your needs and wants first for a change, because that is essentially what he has been doing, what's good for the goose and all that.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 17/02/2023 12:13

TomatoSandwiches · 17/02/2023 11:28

He is living his life the way he wants to at your expense and when you have voiced your unhappiness he has effectively ignored you and continued to do what works for him.

I think you've lived like this long enough and should start taking back some control to do things for yourself the way you want to live.

It's never too late to start again, go for it and put your needs and wants first for a change, because that is essentially what he has been doing, what's good for the goose and all that.

This with bells on it

maddening · 17/02/2023 12:15

The kids are used to him not being there - it will possibly be easier for them due to that.

Crumpleton · 17/02/2023 12:36

I feel for you.
Not only are you lonely you're alone.

It's unfair and quite selfish of your DH to expect you to live in his chosen area while he himself spends very little time there.
You've tried your best now it's time to live where you have a friendship network.

It's bad enough when they are in the services and need to be away but now he is no longer I'm surprised that he's still chosen to work away.

I've skimmed through your posts and surely he'd want to see you happy.
By the sound of it you could manage quite well living with just your DC so is it possible to move back to where you prefer to live?

MrsSkylerWhite · 17/02/2023 12:39

Do you work?

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread