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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be concerned about this woman

31 replies

Krystalball · 16/02/2023 20:03

I need some perspective about this- I can’t decide if I’m being weirdly controlling or legitimately concerned.

Dh takes ds to a sport every week, to the only instructor within 200km of us (we’re not in uk). He takes an interest in the sport himself, participated for a while, and now is involved in the national body too. To an extent, you could say it’s become his hobby too. I take ds occasionally if dh is away, and go to competitions to cheer him on, but by and large this is DH’s responsibility. (I take responsibility for other activities that the dc do)

In the last 6 months, dh has become friendly with the instructor. They text a bit. The conversations are always about the sport, gossip relating to it, asking his opinion about plans for the club etc. There’s nothing obviously inappropriate in it.

Mostly she initiates the conversations. Typically on a Friday or Saturday night, and they could stretch out over 2-3 hours. She was texting him on Christmas Day. And 8pm on Valentines.

I’ve spoken to dh about being mindful that he isn’t inadvertently giving her an impression that he’s interested, because of the potential fallout for ds’ hobby. And there’s nothing untoward or inappropriate in his messages.

But texting him several times on Valentines irked me. It was nothing that couldn’t wait. I think dh should have had more sense than to reply but he’s oblivious.

My concern is more for ds in this situation. And I’m trying to figure out if I’m being unreasonable and over reacting or if my spidey senses are justified. Lately everytime dh takes ds to the session, there’s something that needs fixing, or a screw that needs tightening.

OP posts:
shallibuyahouse · 16/02/2023 20:09

Perhaps you should pop along sometimes too.

Hiddenvoice · 16/02/2023 20:09

I am assuming she is single? Hopefully it’s all innocent in her part but from experience, some women act all friendly but have the worst intentions. Texting that can last hours is annoying, is it one or two messages over the course of the evening or is it constant messaging?
Valentine’s Day doesn’t really mean anything to me, I’m married and always seen it as a waste of money so it wouldn’t bother me if dh is messaging friends then but Christmas Day js a bit much. Did she send a friendly message then or was she talking about the business? If it was the business then obviously that could have waited.

It’s annoying you and upsetting you, you need to explain that to him and ask him to stop. Any decent person might be irked by this but would respect their partner. If he gets angry then ask him why he is angry. I imagine he will come out with - you’re controlling who he speaks to- and yes you are with this one person as it os bothering you and he should care about that.

Chocolatecookie321 · 16/02/2023 20:10

She fancies him! She wouldn't be texting him otherwise.

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 16/02/2023 20:10

I think you have a DH problem. He is the one replying and enabling this. If he really is that stupid, speak with him about it.

icelolly12 · 16/02/2023 20:12

Sounds dodgy to me, the fact it's on a Fri/Sat night and lasting for hours. That's family time/couple time. You DH needs to stop enabling this.

Loopylands · 16/02/2023 20:13

Yanbu. The texting needs to stop. It’s quite simple, on Valentine’s Day for example he kite puts his phone down and focuses on you. When she realises she’ll be waiting until the next day for a brief response it’ll be time to go and find herself a boyfriend.

This is verging on emotional affair territory. Nip it in the bud now.

Singularity82 · 16/02/2023 20:13

The valentines thing wouldn’t even link on my radar. We don’t celebrate it and it wouldn’t occur to me not to message someone. Christmas Day is weird.
the frequency and timing of messages is more of a concern. Agreed, your DH needs to show her her is entirely not interested. One word replies to her messages, just cut the conversation short completely.

Chocolatecookie321 · 16/02/2023 20:14

Also men love an ego boost (most of them) so he might not fancy her, just enjoying the attention but it's still inappropriate. Christmas day & valentines? Come on she must like him so he needs to stop replying.

Dinkeigh · 16/02/2023 20:18

Can people of the opposite sex really not hold conversations without being accused of something? I mean, you've read his texts, you know there's nothing in them! Valentines, most adults probably don't even know its Valentines as they don't bother with it. I worked late on Valentines til 9pm and was communicating with my boss, we are both married. Does that I mean I wanted sex with him? Jeez.

Loopylands · 16/02/2023 20:20

@Dinkeigh who really wants their spouse to be texting someone 2-3 hours every Friday and Saturday?! The same person at that? The same woman? Would you really be okay with that? I wouldn’t.

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 16/02/2023 20:20

I’d mention to your husband how inappropriate that lady is and to keep an eye on it. Also, try and get him to understand how he wouldn’t like if this was reversed.

icelolly12 · 16/02/2023 20:22

There's a difference between holding a conversation, and indulging in extended conversations that take away from family time. Although the content may be innocent, the frequency suggests a deep connection and it can just take one or two flirty or suggestive messages to tip the balance from friendly to flirtatious and subsequently turn into affair territory. Why take the risk.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 16/02/2023 20:24

She’s single and I assume lonely ?

he’s married so why the fuck is he texting her all night . He’s totally encouraging her and yanbu at all here

Dinkeigh · 16/02/2023 20:26

At no point does it say every Friday and Saturday. It says they text a bit. Typically it's a Friday or Sat that they text. Every Friday and Saturday for 2-3 hours is clearly a pisstake. That's not what OP says.

If it was a man he was texting there would be no issue. She's read his texts. There is no issue.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 16/02/2023 20:26

Suggest there is a group chat with the 3 of you regarding ds and the hobby.... Dh can't really argue with that imo.

5128gap · 16/02/2023 20:28

If your DH is sufficiently attractive for a woman to be sexually/romantically interested in him, despite him being married, I'd think its safe to say this will not be the first time he has ever experienced female attention. So surely its a bit of a stretch to assume he is too naive to recognise it (if that's what it is)?
I'd say either its completely innocent or its not, and he knows full well she fancies him, and is chuffed to bits. This idea of poor innocent men being inadvertently led astray by predatory women is a bit of a myth. If you don't like it, tell him to stop replying and see how that goes.

icelolly12 · 16/02/2023 20:29

"If it was a man he was texting there would be no issue."

If the instructor was a man I can guarantee they wouldn't be texting on Friday and Saturday nights, and probably not at all.

Chocolatecookie321 · 16/02/2023 20:30

Dinkeigh · 16/02/2023 20:26

At no point does it say every Friday and Saturday. It says they text a bit. Typically it's a Friday or Sat that they text. Every Friday and Saturday for 2-3 hours is clearly a pisstake. That's not what OP says.

If it was a man he was texting there would be no issue. She's read his texts. There is no issue.

She said it could stretch out over 2-3 hours?! Women don't continously text men they aren't interested in, it's as simple as that!

SisterCassandra · 16/02/2023 20:34

Loopylands · 16/02/2023 20:13

Yanbu. The texting needs to stop. It’s quite simple, on Valentine’s Day for example he kite puts his phone down and focuses on you. When she realises she’ll be waiting until the next day for a brief response it’ll be time to go and find herself a boyfriend.

This is verging on emotional affair territory. Nip it in the bud now.

As someone who’s DH had an affair, this is spot on. It starts with being “friends” which moves on to emotional affair territory. It may not always progress to a full on actual affair but needs nipping in the bud. Why take the risk? Ask DH to cool it, if she starts texting in the night/evening let her wait till the next day for a reply. And I’d be dropping DS off a portion of the time too. Bet she doesn’t ask you to do any nailing banging or screwing! 🤣

Nimbostratus100 · 16/02/2023 20:37

are most people so aware of valentines day?

MargaretThursday · 16/02/2023 20:46

I wouldn't think so much of it-I have a male colleague and occasionally we have long (normally) silly messages and there is definitely nothing in it from either side.
It could be that Friday/Saturday night is when she's free, so that's when she thinks of messaging.

However the timing is such that it looks like typical family/couple time, which could be lack of thought, or could be her doing a "pick me".
Yes, she might not have thought about Valentine's day, although I doubt she didn't realise it as it's everywhere now, but on Christmas day I wouldn't expect more than a quick "Happy Christmas" from each side, especially if you've children.

Ludo19 · 16/02/2023 20:49

I personally think its weird but your DH is the problem because he's allowing it to continue.

DNBU · 16/02/2023 20:51

Is he oblivious though??

Pearfacebananapoop · 16/02/2023 20:51

5128gap · 16/02/2023 20:28

If your DH is sufficiently attractive for a woman to be sexually/romantically interested in him, despite him being married, I'd think its safe to say this will not be the first time he has ever experienced female attention. So surely its a bit of a stretch to assume he is too naive to recognise it (if that's what it is)?
I'd say either its completely innocent or its not, and he knows full well she fancies him, and is chuffed to bits. This idea of poor innocent men being inadvertently led astray by predatory women is a bit of a myth. If you don't like it, tell him to stop replying and see how that goes.

Not necessarily, he could be grim and revelling in it for the first time. He's either incredibly naive and genuinely doesn't recognise it or flattered/enjoying it. OP call him out and go to the hobby and make your presence known.

Joeylove88 · 16/02/2023 21:49

Always listen to your gut feelings it's completely valid to not want another woman messaging your husband for hours and on specific days of the year as well. In the offchance the woman is acting innocently she needs to learn some boundaries and your husband needs to stop encouraging it when you feel uncomfortable! Iv been in a similar situation but with a so called mutual friend (friends with me first then friends with both of us but over time became closer with my partner). This friend of mine didn't understand boundaries and almost started behaving like she was my partners second girlfriend it nearly caused me to end my relationship because I didn't feel prioritised and it stopped quickly once it got to that point. Men can be oblivious I agree but they can also love attention but unless he's willing for you to do the same then he needs to cut it out.