To be concerned about this woman

[Krystalball]

I need some perspective about this- I can’t decide if I’m being weirdly controlling or legitimately concerned.

Dh takes ds to a sport every week, to the only instructor within 200km of us (we’re not in uk). He takes an interest in the sport himself, participated for a while, and now is involved in the national body too. To an extent, you could say it’s become his hobby too. I take ds occasionally if dh is away, and go to competitions to cheer him on, but by and large this is DH’s responsibility. (I take responsibility for other activities that the dc do)

In the last 6 months, dh has become friendly with the instructor. They text a bit. The conversations are always about the sport, gossip relating to it, asking his opinion about plans for the club etc. There’s nothing obviously inappropriate in it.

Mostly she initiates the conversations. Typically on a Friday or Saturday night, and they could stretch out over 2-3 hours. She was texting him on Christmas Day. And 8pm on Valentines.

I’ve spoken to dh about being mindful that he isn’t inadvertently giving her an impression that he’s interested, because of the potential fallout for ds’ hobby. And there’s nothing untoward or inappropriate in his messages.

But texting him several times on Valentines irked me. It was nothing that couldn’t wait. I think dh should have had more sense than to reply but he’s oblivious.

My concern is more for ds in this situation. And I’m trying to figure out if I’m being unreasonable and over reacting or if my spidey senses are justified. Lately everytime dh takes ds to the session, there’s something that needs fixing, or a screw that needs tightening.

Interesting range of replies.

For context, the nature of DH’s job is that he’s always available. He runs a business that operates 24 hours, and sometimes people do need to reach him. It has always been the case that if he’s awake he just picks up the phone and replies to whatever… not ideal but it is what it is.

Replying to her texts immediately is normal for him. And I know people are doubting he’s oblivious but I don’t think he registers flirting when he’s not interested himself. He’s not remotely secretive and sometimes reads them out to me if they’re interesting.

Women flirt with him occasionally. He works with women. He has women working for him. He’s friends with women. None of that bothers me particularly.

And frankly, if he decided to have an affair that’s not something I can prevent or care to try and police and he’s never given me reason to mistrust him. If I didn’t trust him, I don’t think I’d want to be in the relationship anymore.

As I said before my concern is that he could be inadvertently encouraging something that could impact ds. But I also don’t want to start getting weird and controlling and asking him not to reply to texts if I’m just misinterpreting her behaviour.

In that case, why not just say that to him? Tell him you're concerned that the number and times of texts may indicate she is getting a little attached and that should there come a point where he needs to distance it might be awkward for DS. If he agrees he can start to slowly reduce contact, not replying instantly, not instigating messages etc.

The Christmas Day is the deal breaker and smacks of already having an affair.

Seriously?

I text my male friends - some married, some single - often and I don't fancy any of them.

It is possible for a man and a woman to be friends and have it be nothing more than that.

He knows it’s inappropriate, he’s not that dense as to think it’s entirely normal to carry on the way he is.
He’s listened to you saying that it’s inappropriate and has disregarded your thoughts and feelings on the matter in favour of continuing to keep up contact with this woman. That’s not behaviour I would find acceptable from my husband, personally.

Christmas Day is odd. V day I dunno, I forgot it was happening.

She might fancy him but she might equally be bored and lonely.

It’s good there is nothing concerning in the messages. It sounds like it’s partly a hobby friend and partly he’s enjoying the attention so I think it’s reasonable to say to him that he needs to put some boundaries around the friendship ie not hours of texting in family time. You don’t have to be accusing him of an affair to point out that friendships need managing.