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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it rude…? About friends hanging out.

47 replies

DoomedForLoneliness · 16/02/2023 13:23

If you’re out with a friend and man comes up to one of you (everyone is single), is it rude to soend a lot of time talking to him?
Should the person just tell him ”sorry, I’m catching up with a friend” and get back to hanging out with the friend?

Yanbu. = when you’re out with a friend, you’re supposed to spend time with them, not random dude

Yabu = of course it’s okey to spend time with random dude

OP posts:
theemmadilemma · 16/02/2023 13:29

Depends on the situation. Someone you see regularly and you're out on the pull, all good.

Someone you haven't seen in ages and are having a catch up - rude imo.

JMSA · 16/02/2023 13:33

So your group was approached by a random stranger, who fancied one of your friends and engaged her in conversation?
If I were her, and interested in the bloke, I might give him my number (assuming he seemed normal and nice), and promptly get back to my friends.

JMSA · 16/02/2023 13:33

So YANBU, I guess.

WineCap · 16/02/2023 13:39

I agree with @JMSA

MamaCanYouBuyMeABanana · 16/02/2023 13:41

A group of friends - no problem.

When it's just the two of you it's pretty rude.

Original poster
DoomedForLoneliness · 16/02/2023 13:41

When I go out / spend time with a friend, that’s exactly what I’m there to do : soend time with them.

The starting conversations with dudes seemed to have increase lately and it has left me not wanting to spend time with her so much anymore.
She just asked me if I want to go to a certain place this weekend and I’m just feeling meh about it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
DoomedForLoneliness · 16/02/2023 13:44

It can be both - just us teo, sometimes ’a group’ (we don’t know that many people, so it’s just a few of us), but it still takes time, attention away from everything else.
Plus, then she wants to talk about the guy, and that’s just boring as hell.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 16/02/2023 13:45

This sounds like jealousy OP.

AnnoyedFromSlough · 16/02/2023 13:46

It sounds like you have different reasons for going out. She wants to go out and meet people (that's pretty normal for someone that's single. Or at least it was when I was young and going out every weekend). You want to go out and spend time with one person all night.

Maybe instead of social nights out, go to dinner or lunch - something that's less social?

Goldenbear · 16/02/2023 13:54

Prior to having my first child I was out after work with work friend/friend, we both had boyfriends (both now DHs) and we were approached by a couple of men who wanted to buy us drinks, my friend not only refused but gave them a dressing down about the patriarchal assumptions that we wanted a drink to be brought for us and that we wanted their company when it was quite clear we were having a private conversation, a woman to woman catch up! I wasn't actually bothered about them asking but I suppose it is pretty rude to your group of friends to give your attention to a random man for most of the night. It depends on the intention of the night.

Original poster
DoomedForLoneliness · 16/02/2023 13:58

Thanks for the comments, I think next time I’ll just ask her if she’s okey with quiet night in, so we both know what to expect.

my friend not only refused but gave them a dressing down about the patriarchal assumptions that we wanted a drink to be brought for us and that we wanted their company when it was quite clear we were having a private conversation, a woman to woman catch up!

😊😁
She sounds amazing, I want a friend like her!

OP posts:
JMSA · 16/02/2023 14:02

I don't! Poor guys Confused

Original poster
DoomedForLoneliness · 16/02/2023 14:02

Huh?

OP posts:
Original poster
DoomedForLoneliness · 16/02/2023 14:17

GoodChat · 16/02/2023 13:45

This sounds like jealousy OP.

😆
That was fast.
I knew it was coming, but it was faster than I thought it would be 🤭

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 16/02/2023 14:23

AnnoyedFromSlough · 16/02/2023 13:46

It sounds like you have different reasons for going out. She wants to go out and meet people (that's pretty normal for someone that's single. Or at least it was when I was young and going out every weekend). You want to go out and spend time with one person all night.

Maybe instead of social nights out, go to dinner or lunch - something that's less social?

Agree with this. I don't think it's the end of the world to do a combination of chatting with friends and meeting people - it's not easy to find a partner and will be far less likely to happen if you're only allowed to talk to people when you're on your own.

It's about balance really, I don't think it's all or nothing.

eyope · 16/02/2023 14:23

But how do you expect her to meet someone to date? Before the apps it used to be 'randos' you got chatting to at parties, pubs etc. Since you see and talk to each other regularly - can you really not be a wing woman for her when you go out and someone approaches her?

Honest question - is there any setting when you're with her, you'd be happy if she spoke to someone else - be it a man or another woman?

Pieandchips1234456 · 16/02/2023 14:25

Agree with goodchat, definitely sou ds like jealously. That along with your username

Pieandchips1234456 · 16/02/2023 14:26

Oh and your friend done nothing wrong

eyope · 16/02/2023 14:27

Also- if she did get a bf would you find it boring if she spoke about him (since you find her talking about men boring) or be annoyed if she wanted to see/spend time with him instead of you?

Is it possible you use her as a bf replacement and don't want to share her with anyone - which obv isn't very healthy. But a balance of activities - some one on one, others where she can chat to others is the best compromise.

MissyB1 · 16/02/2023 14:32

I would only do lunch / coffee meet ups with this friend, sounds like nights out are for when she’s looking for a man.

You don’t sound jealous at all by the way. It’s not unreasonable to not want random men hanging around on your night out with a mate.

JudgeRudy · 16/02/2023 14:33

The problem with this is although on paper most people agree that neglecting a friend for too long would be rude, people have different ideas what too long is. Id have to have been there to judge...friend A says 'l was talking to him for less than 10minutes', friend be says 'You left me looking a lemon. I looked at my phone. It was at least 9 mins'....so they're actually agreeing.
I'd say context matters.
I've had friends 'abandon' me for 15mins to nip to loo. One in particular knew everyone n would chat. I do get annoyed on a dinner date if someone goes out for a fag though.
How long were you 'left out'. Were you at the bar, seated, left alone, did she turn her back on you....would you have felt different if it was her old female school friend?

Original poster
DoomedForLoneliness · 16/02/2023 14:36

eyope · 16/02/2023 14:23

But how do you expect her to meet someone to date? Before the apps it used to be 'randos' you got chatting to at parties, pubs etc. Since you see and talk to each other regularly - can you really not be a wing woman for her when you go out and someone approaches her?

Honest question - is there any setting when you're with her, you'd be happy if she spoke to someone else - be it a man or another woman?

What do you mean ’expect her to meet someone’?
Apps, or going to things to specifically meet someone etc. Just like me.

And she’s not ’wing womaning’ to me either, I don’t think either one of us are responsible of our dating lives.

We don’t see that often, so when we do meet, I’d like to just catch up, that’s why I’m there.

Of course she can soeak to anyone at anytime, I was just asking about manners.
I’m talking about the set-up.
If she was to say she wants to go out, to meet someone, I’d happily not go.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 16/02/2023 14:38

What do you mean ’expect her to meet someone’?
Apps, or going to things to specifically meet someone etc. Just like me.

Not everyone wants to meet someone in this forced environment OP. Some people are just generally social and meet people along the way.

Original poster
DoomedForLoneliness · 16/02/2023 14:39

Is it possible you use her as a bf replacement and don't want to share her with anyone

Gosh no!
She wouldn’t make a good boyfriend 😇

I’m not here really for a deep analysis of me, just asking about etiquette.

OP posts:
Original poster
DoomedForLoneliness · 16/02/2023 14:41

MissyB1 · 16/02/2023 14:32

I would only do lunch / coffee meet ups with this friend, sounds like nights out are for when she’s looking for a man.

You don’t sound jealous at all by the way. It’s not unreasonable to not want random men hanging around on your night out with a mate.

Thank you for the suggestion and kind comment.
Day time activity is probably more fitting.
I’ll suggest that.

OP posts: