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Original poster

Is it rude…? About friends hanging out.

47 replies

DoomedForLoneliness · 16/02/2023 13:23

If you’re out with a friend and man comes up to one of you (everyone is single), is it rude to soend a lot of time talking to him?
Should the person just tell him ”sorry, I’m catching up with a friend” and get back to hanging out with the friend?

Yanbu. = when you’re out with a friend, you’re supposed to spend time with them, not random dude

Yabu = of course it’s okey to spend time with random dude

OP posts:
Alexisrose16 · 16/02/2023 14:44

Gosh you sound hard work! If she likes talking to them then let her. Online dating is awful. When younger many of my friends met people when out, I was happy for them and at times encouraged them.

been and done it. · 16/02/2023 14:49

Alexisrose16 · 16/02/2023 14:44

Gosh you sound hard work! If she likes talking to them then let her. Online dating is awful. When younger many of my friends met people when out, I was happy for them and at times encouraged them.

Nice for the person being chatted up not so nice for the other one..spare prick at a wedding comes to mind.

Stressfordays · 16/02/2023 14:55

If I'm out with a group of single girls, I don't see the issue in chatting to men. If I'm out 1-1 with a single friend then I wouldn't unless she tells me to go for it. If I'm out with friends who are in relationships then I usually give men the swerve.

lemmity · 16/02/2023 14:56

This place is like a parallel universe.

Of course it's rude to strike up a lengthy conversation with someone else if you've gone out with a friend to catch up. OP can feel annoyed about this without being a jealous old harridan. Sheesh.

Stressfordays · 16/02/2023 14:59

I went out with a single friend last weekend, got chatting to someone, she encouraged him to come back to hers with us and even made him a coffee the next morning. Total wing woman that girl, thats why I love her. Other friends, there is no way id behave like that.

MarieRoseMarie · 16/02/2023 15:02

Goldenbear · 16/02/2023 13:54

Prior to having my first child I was out after work with work friend/friend, we both had boyfriends (both now DHs) and we were approached by a couple of men who wanted to buy us drinks, my friend not only refused but gave them a dressing down about the patriarchal assumptions that we wanted a drink to be brought for us and that we wanted their company when it was quite clear we were having a private conversation, a woman to woman catch up! I wasn't actually bothered about them asking but I suppose it is pretty rude to your group of friends to give your attention to a random man for most of the night. It depends on the intention of the night.

I hope for your friend’s sake that she never splits with her DH because karma is a bitch.

FinallyHere · 16/02/2023 15:05

just asking about etiquette

One of the things that I really like about life these days, is that there really isn't an etiquette, separate from talking to your friend and agreeing what you each and both want from your outings.

At different times I have 'gone out' with friends, where it would be perfectly acceptable to meet others and at other times, really just to spend time with them.

As it happens, I think now it's not that great behaviour, to spend time with someone else, better to just swap numbers and continue what you are doing. If your friend thinks that you are both there as 'wing man' for the other , then it would be much better to know that in advance.

Have a chat before you next go out, then if you want different things you can agree to a different kind of catch up, as PP have suggested.

Original poster
DoomedForLoneliness · 16/02/2023 15:07

Stressfordays · 16/02/2023 14:59

I went out with a single friend last weekend, got chatting to someone, she encouraged him to come back to hers with us and even made him a coffee the next morning. Total wing woman that girl, thats why I love her. Other friends, there is no way id behave like that.

Wow, we are all so different!
I would have hated all of this.
I wonder if my friend hopes I would be more like this…

Anyways, I replied to her and asked if we can have a qiuet day/night in (we haven’t actually done that in a very long time and now I got all excited about the idea) let’s see how it goes.

OP posts:
DrManhattan · 16/02/2023 15:09

If its only two friends out it is totally rude! I wouldn't want to go out with a friend if I kept getting ditched and standing by myself whilst they chatted to someone else! Don't think the op sounds jealous either

eyope · 16/02/2023 16:36

lemmity · 16/02/2023 14:56

This place is like a parallel universe.

Of course it's rude to strike up a lengthy conversation with someone else if you've gone out with a friend to catch up. OP can feel annoyed about this without being a jealous old harridan. Sheesh.

But OP feels like this even if it's a group of single girls going out.

And doesn't even like her friend talking about guys as it's 'boring'.

It doesn't feel like OP is compromising, as she's said she'll only meet her friend if they can do activities alone where friend talks to no one but her. I'd personally find a friendship like this suffocating - if this were a romantic relationship, it would be bordering on controlling.

Original poster
DoomedForLoneliness · 16/02/2023 19:50

eyope · 16/02/2023 16:36

But OP feels like this even if it's a group of single girls going out.

And doesn't even like her friend talking about guys as it's 'boring'.

It doesn't feel like OP is compromising, as she's said she'll only meet her friend if they can do activities alone where friend talks to no one but her. I'd personally find a friendship like this suffocating - if this were a romantic relationship, it would be bordering on controlling.

Show quote history

Okey, I have to come and say that this is fiction from your mind.
And pretty disgusting.

OP posts:
Goldenbear · 16/02/2023 23:37

I don't think the OP sounds jealous, it is pretty reasonable to expect the company of a friend where they had indicated they wanted your company by presumably organising the meet up.

The incident with my friend was in the 00s she is still very much happily married in fact she is someone who I very much would say has the most successful marriages I know, including my own. She is was a declared feminist and was like that all of the time. There was another time I was getting told off by someone who we worked with in a bar after work, he was male and she felt he had no right to discuss this issue with me outside of work, she told him to pretty much move on and how dare he. Anyway, shw has high expectations, I'm not sure that means 'poor guys' (they were a couple of lawyers, anything but poor and I think she was probably accurate in her judgement of the situation). Also, why should karma be relevant, she did nothing wrong in rejecting their drinks, perhaps she was harsher than I would be but women aren't obliged to have drinks because men offer them.

Judgyjudgy · 16/02/2023 23:41

theemmadilemma · 16/02/2023 13:29

Depends on the situation. Someone you see regularly and you're out on the pull, all good.

Someone you haven't seen in ages and are having a catch up - rude imo.

Agree it depends. If it's just you and the friend, and it's been a long time I think you should juts give your number and end it there. Too long in any situation would be rude. I think 10 min tops?

FrostyFifi · 16/02/2023 23:43

I hope for your friend’s sake that she never splits with her DH because karma is a bitch

Karma for not wanting to be pestered by some annoying bloke when you're trying to talk to a friend?
I'm sure fate can think of better people to punish than women who aren't pushovers who put some random guy's feelings above their own.

I can't stand it when I'm catching up with a friend and guys do this. Fucking irritating, presumptuous behaviour.

maddy68 · 16/02/2023 23:49

It's ok to have a conversation. But not ok to ignore your friends for any length of time

Goldenbear · 16/02/2023 23:57

Exactly FrostyFifi, you've worded it much better than me.

eyope · 17/02/2023 00:00

DoomedForLoneliness · 16/02/2023 19:50

Okey, I have to come and say that this is fiction from your mind.
And pretty disgusting.

Show quote history

I'm just referencing facts from your posts though....

Plus, then she wants to talk about the guy, and that’s just boring as hell

It can be both - just us teo, sometimes ’a group’ (we don’t know that many people, so it’s just a few of us)

If she's willing to meet up with you for day time activities where she doesn't talk to guys, are you willing to go out with her in the evening occasionally when she wants to meet someone?

If the answer is yes, she's compromising to meet your needs and you're compromising to meet hers - a great friendship. If the answer is no, then it's a friendship that ignores her needs completely (to meet men organically on a night out), and only focuses on yours. That is definitely not a healthy or balanced friendship.

Ginseng1 · 17/02/2023 00:00

Sounds like you've different reasons for going out. When I was single & going out with other single friends we were generally all open to chatting to new guys. My best friend met her DH of 15 yrs this way I was her third wheel the night she met him think I ended up chatting to some other randomer to give them space. She did same for me! So maybe just meet daytime coffee etc if you just not into that sort of night.

Summerfun54321 · 17/02/2023 00:19

You sound more like a day time coffee kind of friend than a drinks in a bar kind of friend.

PandemicAtTheDisco · 17/02/2023 00:59

I would want my friends to be supportive of me when meeting new people. I'd hope they'd listen and show interest.
I don't only go out drinking etc with my friends though - we do other activities and do our catching up then.

Bagsundermyeyestoday · 17/02/2023 06:39

Stressfordays · 16/02/2023 14:59

I went out with a single friend last weekend, got chatting to someone, she encouraged him to come back to hers with us and even made him a coffee the next morning. Total wing woman that girl, thats why I love her. Other friends, there is no way id behave like that.

Wow I find that so weird, maybe I'm a prude!

pictoosh · 17/02/2023 07:10

If you're out, just the two of you, of course it's rude for her to bin you off to talk to some bloke instead. What are you supposed to do? Play on your phone? Slink off home to make way for the hallowed cock-bearer?

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