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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For wanting to get to know my little girl after sharing her for the first two weeks with everyone and their dog??????

29 replies

bluebell82 · 08/02/2008 17:09

I am two minds whether to broach this with my dh, who is a very understanding and caring husband, but will he understand as it is more his family than mine???

We were blessed with the birth of our lo on 23rd Jan and spent the two weeks of my dh patenity leave having visitors, we had 47 seperate visitors during this time and some of those came more than once, my carpet has a permament tread now!!! But I feel that I have paid my debt during that two weeks, bearing mind I had a bad laceration down there, I spent most of the time making cups of tea with my dh while all the visitors played pass the parcel with our little girl until her skin was red!

And now my mother in law is driving me round the bend, for example today she called me, it is the second day my dh has been back at work and I am trying to get my life into some sort of order and she is aware of this from previous conversations, and then came round, she then complained that grandad hasn't seen the lo for a week, nor has her daughter, one of her friends daughter s wants to see her and the great grandparents are getting withdrawal, I am struggling to spread myself this thin, I have finally given in to spending Sunday round at their house so everyone can see the lo again, but it is eating inot the time with my dh, he needs to bond with his little girl and the weekends are a perfect time for that.

My family don't moan, nor do my friends, and because of that I haven't seen my friends since the birth and I feel like I have to hide the fact that I have seen my own mother from the in laws.

I don't know what to do because my dh will fiercely protect me and I don't want to drive a wedge between him and his family, but seriously I am on the verge of a melt down and I am getting upset writing it all down, I am definitely going to discuss it with the hv on Monday. I find it so hard to be diplomatic because I have let it get to the point where I could eaily turn round and tell them all to f**K off!!!

Pleas help me xx

OP posts:
pelafina · 08/02/2008 17:12

Message withdrawn

pelafina · 08/02/2008 17:12

Message withdrawn

NorthernLurker · 08/02/2008 17:12

YANBU - this is very delicate territory though. As a first step can I suggest you stop answering your phone and door - anybody complains look them dead in the eye and say 'I was sleeping - I have just had a baby you see!'

clutteredup · 08/02/2008 17:13

Tell DH to tell them to leavre you alone, tell him that you need some you and him and baby time and they need to let you do that. He needs to understand your needs, WTF are they doing coming around and getting you to make the tea, you need rest and time with the baby. IT does need to come from him and it doesn't need to drive a wedge, pretend to be ill, overtired, allergic to you ILs but YANBU and DH needs to support you.

Original poster
bluebell82 · 08/02/2008 17:16

Its gone past that, I can cope with saying no what annoys me is when I do see them all they do is try and make me feel guilty about how much they have missed our lo, I just feel like screaming that I have missed her too!!!! I am so wound up afer mil went home after trying to blind my child with the camera she has permanently attached to her face I took her for a speedy walk to burn off the rage, poor thing is fast asleep now after all that fresh air!

OP posts:
mrschop · 08/02/2008 17:22

I'd advise you to say something sooner rather than later - I had something similar and a quiet "I need to find my own way with him" as MIL raced me across the room when he squeaked got the message across! And perhaps say something like - it's been lovely seeing everyone, and it is so nice that everyone is so pleased about baby's arrival, but we'll have a few days on our own now, to settle down to being a family. Any response along the lines of 'we're family too/we only want to help/we're excited' can be rebuffed with the finding our own way line. Much, much better to do it now than let it run and then it becomes a source of long-term resentment. Not good for anyone.

NorthernLurker · 08/02/2008 17:22

first grandchild? If you want to hear moaning = tell them you are thinking of emigrating!

platesmasher · 08/02/2008 17:24

Just tell them all to fuck off and leave you alone. Then when you're ready for babysitters, apologise and blame it on the hormones.

pelafina · 08/02/2008 17:25

Message withdrawn

beansprout · 08/02/2008 17:25

Congratulations Bluebell (ds2 was born on the same day!!!)

No, YANBU!! 47 visitors is quite possibly some sort of record. I know I have had days where I have not really held ds2 except to feed him, and it hasn't helped the bonding process which is so important, not only for you but for your dd too. Enough is enough, you really don't have to answer the phone/door and can always say that you were sleeping. Your dh really needs to support you in this. You need support and this, quite clearly, is not it. In laws can be great, but you also need to see your family and friends too. I think you really need to talk to dh, even if you don't give him both barrels, he needs to support you in managing this. Good luck.

JodieG1 · 08/02/2008 17:26

Oh my inlaws are the same with the camera, every single time the visit they have to take hundreds, yes hundreds, of photos. Even during ds2's christening as the vicar was pouring the water over his head the camera kept on flashing, ignores my glares too grr. Dd is 6 in a couple of weeks and I wish I'd have calmed it down sooner as it just irritates the life of me now.

Nothing can be experienced and emjoyed without the camera being there and used.

rubylou · 08/02/2008 17:27

put a note on the door baby sleeping do not disturb and un plug the phone but it is good that they are interested in your baby my inlaws never come round. it is me that has to go and see them so my children know who they are

yetihed · 08/02/2008 17:31

Congratulations Bluebell!

OMG! 47 visitors! And they're still complaining!? This cannot go on!

I really felt for you, reading your message.

You're going to need to tell your DH and let him fiercely protect you. This is definitely the time to accept help. You're tired from the birth and it's an emotional period in many ways, you need time and space to reflect and get to know your LO. It's all about you and the baby for now- make time to enjoy it.

I had a similar thing, though not quite so extreme, when my DS was born in October and I regret now that I went along with it so much. The ILs will all calm down eventually... they're probably just overexcited and want you to know how much they love the LO. You'll be glad of that in time, I expect, but for now they all need to be told their place!! The thing that worked for me was booking in regular slots for each grandparent so they all know now what they're allowed.

Oh... and I stopped answering the phone which also worked wonders!

Good luck, be brave- it'll be worth it!

sparklesandwine · 08/02/2008 17:34

Well congratulations

Is you LO their first GC by chance?

Its such a tough call this one as you could end up pissing people off who will be of utmost importance later on when you actually need them!

Could you not get your DH to casually drop into the conversation on sunday that he reallys wants time on his own with you and DD and that he would like them to back off a little to give you as a family time to adjust

It must be so hard for you I remember it being like this with DS1 as he was the first granchild on mine and DP's side, it was unbareable!!

lucyellensmum · 08/02/2008 17:51

what is it with people and new babies. We never have any visitors and the world and his wife wanted to descend on us. From my boss to my ex boss and his wife (who incidentally we managed to waylay!) I refused to see anyone until the baby was two weeks because we had terrible trouble establishing bf and some medical complications and i couldnt face seeing anyone apart from some close friends at the time.

My DP has just astounded me with regards to this. His friend has just had a baby, she was quite poorly and was two weeks before she could come home from hospital. I have never even spoken to his wife before and DP was busy inviting himself round - like that is going to be the first thing she wants. Bloody strangers in her house!!! I told him to wait until he was bloody well asked, and told him not to hold his breath!!

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 08/02/2008 17:59

47 visitors - good god, no wonder you feel like you are going round the bend.

I suggest you don't answer the door or phone, and if people invite you to things, lie and say you are busy.

We got round this by visiting people, but making it clear we were only popping round for a cup of tea. That way we could leave when we wanted to, rather than being stuck with visitors you can't get rid of!

These early days getting to know each other are so important, don't let anyone else spoil it for you.

Unfitmother · 08/02/2008 18:01

Put the answerphone on and don't answer the door

TenaciousG · 08/02/2008 18:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
bluebell82 · 08/02/2008 19:00

well I have spoken, or more like cried- to my dh and as I suspected he is completely on my wave length about the whole situation. I told him that I felt anxious about the amount of tme we are not spending together with our lo and also that was made to feel guilty that it had been 5 days since they last saw her (although mil has). He is going to have a chat on Sunday which will be nice and uncomfortable. He told me that I shouldn't take it to heart and that it probably wasn't intended to make me feel guilty, but that he also knows what his mother can be like in getting her own way!
So roast chicken and fireworks ahead it seems! Still feel anxious though as she has now invited everyone in her phone book on sunday!

OP posts:
violetsky · 08/02/2008 19:10

You have an obligation to no one (except maybe the great grandparents, because they will die first) no one can visit you unless you answer the door. Do the great grandparents live near by. If they do, visit each lot for half an hour a week and no more. As for the rest, only open the LOCKED doors to them at weekends or evenings.

bitofadramaqueen · 08/02/2008 19:13

Oh, my heart goes out to you! Its really good that your dh is going to speak to her and understands how you feel.

Sunday might be a bit of a nightmare but at least everyone will get to see your baby and hopefully going forward it will get a bit easier.

I'm still expecting my first, so dont have any real experience but thinking that once your dh has the big chat he could say that as well as spending time as a family, you want to start figuring out a routine etc and set some 'visiting hours' so you dont have people coming round all the time.

Oh, and check your MIL knows how to work your kettle on her next visit .

Good luck, and congratulations!

hedgehog1979 · 08/02/2008 19:13

Good for you bluebell and congrats on the lo. I am going to show this to DH as although I am only 21+4 I know that it will be very similar for us once bump comes along as tis first GC for both my parents and IL's but I also know that MIL has offered to come and stay once bump is here (she lives 7 miles away, my parents who will be staying live 3.5 hours away) and FIL and his gf have only maintained regular contact since they found out we were expecting.

I have already told DH i have a list of ground rules but I am going to stress the fact that we need to bond as a family first and worry about showing off baby later rather than having all and sundry round consistently

Good luck on Sunday

TenaciousG · 08/02/2008 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bohemianbint · 08/02/2008 19:23

I had a similar thing - ( but nowhere near 47 visitors!) and we just sat there and took it whilst our house and time was invaded.

It was only a few months later it really hit me that no one had had any thought for us or our feelings, and that we had lost those early precious days with our new baby, and I was devastated. It sounds odd but I think it almost tipped me over into PND - just the being powerless whilst you get ridden over roughshod.

Definitely get it sorted sooner rather than later. People won't just get it themselves sadly, they need telling. Good luck!

quint · 08/02/2008 19:28

YANBU

Make a sign for your front door - new mum and baby sleeping - even if you;re not planning on beong asleep, it will stop people banging on the door. Also turn the phone off.

When you decide that you're up for visitors, let them in and say you know where the kettle is, I like mine strong with 2 sugars (or however you like yours) be cheeky, its the only time you'll get away with it!

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