Generational finances

[Mummyongin]

I don’t expect I can word this right/fairly but essentially, if retired grandparents have some wealth (e.g., 5 figure savings or assets) and their adult children are bringing up young children on barely enough to pay rent/mortgage, energy bills, childcare and food - is this okay? What are your thoughts and beliefs about how to balance wealth and finances more fairly? What role should grandparents play financially?

OP what professions are you in and how old are your DC? My parents were not that well off when we were very little and bought an old run down house which they did up gradually and scrimped and saved. As we got older they got richer by climbing career ladders (and they also inherited relatively late). The same has been the case for us (early 40s now). Most people I know in great careers go through a difficult stage especially if you have children relatively young (eg start before 30) and the huge associated childcare costs. If live in the South East housing and childcare costs are enormous. We found ways to holiday when the kids were little at friends houses and returned the favour. Not the most comfortable but the kids loved it. My parents did the same- visit relatives for free etc and return the favour. Holidays have also become extortionate.

Boomer generation got so much of the wealth. Affordable housing on one income, free university etc. Now NI increases to pay for their care as they age.

Also the selfish generation. I read one theory that they’re selfish and focused on accumulating wealth because they grew
up believing a nuclear war was going to wipe out the earth at any moment, so just wanted to enjoy life while they could. We talk a lot about different types of inequality but generational inequality is real for sure.

Well I won’t be scrimping and making my children eat shit food to save and for it all to go on care like my dad did.

And after what I’ve seen my dad go through, paying over a grand a week on “care”, I don’t intend to be here long enough.

I hate these arguments.

Yes, I’ll be a terrible person making the state pick up the bill because I want to help my children out instead of saving it all to pay to sit gibbering in a corner in distress like my dad.

What are your thoughts and beliefs about how to balance wealth and finances more fairly? What role should grandparents play financially?

There is nothing to balance fairly because your children aren't your parents responsibility. The decisions you make, including to have kids and your choice of career and home, are yours and not your parents. They have no financial obligation to you.

Equally they may well be planning their care in old age, in order to not hit you with that responsibility, either emotional or financial, further down the line.

They may have made sacrifices in order for you to have certain things in childhood and feel that you have a better lifestyle all the same. They may not realise the extent to which you are struggling.

It's not their problem ultimately. And there isn't something to make fair here. You trying to make it their issue or as if they don't care is too simplistic. And wrong.

I do think that grandparents should spread their money around rather than allowing it to sit in a bank gathering minimal interest. However, I wouldn't dream of making a "regular" contribution, which could potentially lead to dependency. I prefer to offer a lump sum whenever it seems appropriate (eg need a new car? here's a couple of grand towards it. No holidays this year? let us pay for the flights), That way I'm not handing out more than I can afford, and it takes the pressure off their finances a bit. My own in-laws used to often (but not always) give us £20 towards the petrol money, back in the day, when we visited them. It was great! we never expected it, but whenever we got it we felt like we'd won the lottery!

Who gets to decide what constitutes a "decent standard of living" ? Does that include meat or just beans & rice? Takeaways? Starbucks? Charity shop clothing or Primark or John Lewis? Music lessons? A new car? One bedroom per person or shared rooms? Smartphones? Childcare? Holidays? Caravan, camping or overseas by air travel? Legoland?

I think people's expectations are quite inflated these days, in general.

Meat is once or twice a week, no takeaways and no Starbucks, clothing is handed down or vinted bundles (charity shops are not cheap), one car (not bought new), shared bedroom, yes I have a smartphone, yes I pay childcare, holidays are every 2-3 years and in uk not abroad. Never taken kids to Legoland or any other theme park. I’m fine with all of that. I don’t think my kids need holidays abroad or takeaway pizzas to have a decent life. Your post comes across as resentful that younger generations are ungrateful, and whilst expectations and lives have surely changed that doesn’t always mean we are swimming in privilege that we can’t see.

I'm sorry I seemed so abrupt. I'm touchy on this subject as a relative seriously suggested to me that I didn't contact my dad's GP for help when he started showing signs of rapidly onsetting dementia. All simply because that relative didn't see my dad's money should be used for his care. (I ignored that suggestion and my dad was found a fabulous care home which was worth every penny. I also ignore that relative.)

Intergenerational living does seem to be the best solution. While I couldn't have children I know I want to help my nephews and nieces but also need to ensure I can support myself when the time comes. If they want a home with their crazy old aunt I'd be delighted...

@chopc ive had a good education in that I went to a state grammar school, not private. Then went to uni but I took out a loan like everyone else. My parents did pay for my textbooks and things, but not for the actual university fees. Altho I am lucky that they were only £3k/ year when I went.

So, do you think they should have turned down the benefits society offered at the time, like help going to uni?

Does that mean you think people nowadays should turn down the universal credit or free childcare hours, whether they need it or not, so the money can be saved to help future generations??

@AnotherForumUser that’s ok. Glad your dad got such good care. I would never want to take that option away from my parents or pil. I think access to affordable good quality care in later life is as important an issue as access to affordable good quality childcare for the next generation.

@Justalittlebitduckling did you cut and paste that BS from the housing thread I’ve read it word or word recently.
i did nothing but continue on the path and example of the generation before me.
I’m no more selfish than the next person.
there was a lot of pain going on in the 50-70’s that simply was not discussed.
Your view is blinkered and fueled by tictok trope.

I thank God every day that I have generous parents with enough money to help us. The alternative is it sits in the bank until we inherit it less tax and struggle in the mean time, just to hold some sort of moral high ground. Seems pointless to me.

Your £15k wedding present might be negligible to you and your parents, but for a lot of people that would definitely be HELP (uppercase for emphasis).

Agree with you about intergenerational living. The most upwardly mobile cohorts/cultures still do quite a bit of it. I know that my parents, grandparents and great-grandparents, who went from dirt-poor semi-literacy to professionals in a couple of generations, always had elders, cousins, aunts, uncles living together at various times; no household was composed of a nuclear family. It's one huge factor in how they were able to save -- by pooling resources.

The home I live in now, the couple who had it for 40 years before me always had boarders. It is a two-bed, one-bath cottage. The second bedroom had a deadbolt when I purchased it, and upon asking a neighbour she said "Well, Al and Doris always had a lodger; he worked in a factory and there was always some young man or another just starting out who needed to rent a room. It helped them pay off their mortgage faster."

I don't know too many people today who would be willing to share a bathroom with a stranger whose bed was less than 20 feet away from theirs, in a 900 square foot cottage, in order to save more.

I am always surprised that few of the struggling lone parents we hear so much from don't team up with at least one other and form a communal living situation to again, pool resources and try to get ahead economically. Every family having its own isolated dwelling is a brief blip in human history.

I don't think your standards are unreasonably high, and assuming you have closer to 2 children rather than 20, if you are struggling to maintain this standard, given both you and your husband work, there is a problem. I'm not saying you've caused the problem - we all know the cost of living is ridiculous at the moment - but I think it's a problem that the Government should be addressing. So I don't think your resentment should be towards your parents for not giving you extra whilst you're struggling, but at the Government, who have let you struggle.

They managed to shake the magic money tree to pay all their mates for shoddy PPE - they should be able to shake the magic money tree to support working families better. You're already doing all you can. It's your Government who have failed you.

Moose “FIL would come and visit and make fun of our hallway carpet as it was ripped and threadbare and then show off about how much "spends" he had in his current account and expect me to provide a 3 course meal.”

there’s no excuse for anyone behaving like that. That’s someone I’d not speak to again, they’d be ushered across said carpet out the door v quickly!

I don't know too many people today who would be willing to share a bathroom with a stranger whose bed was less than 20 feet away from theirs, in a 900 square foot cottage, in order to save more.

That's house/flatsharing and millions of people do it.

I think a lot of older people have spent so long accumulating wealth that they hoard it for way too long. We're retiring this year and over the next years are going to have to get used to selling our investments and spending our savings. Some people just can't change their mindset.
We don't want to end up ridiculously wealthy 70+ year olds with hundreds of thousands left that could've been used and have missed out on lots of holidays and fun. We have a lot more than 5 figures so we can treat our adult dc, even though one of them is very well off. However we wouldn't be bankrolling regular money for bills as that just becomes unhelpful.
We fully intend to spend as much as possible before it gets taken away. Our friends all seem to be saying similar.
We've all got parents that live in huge houses that have squirreled away small fortunes, that have became too old to benefit from any of it and have children who are in their 50's 60's that have all paid off mortgages and got their own finances sorted years ago. We aren't going to make those mistakes. Our dc will benefit if it's needed with house deposits while they are young and struggling and we will spend the rest.

So you're OK with your friends, neighbours, co-workers, etc. footing the bill for your care so that you can give your adult children treats? Hmm.

Housesharing and flatsharing: do many people do it whilst raising a family? That's what I meant.

Your assumption is that if your parents didn't spend the money on you now, you'd get it later, because there's nothing they could possibly spend it on instead.

As someone with unwell parents, I'm glad that they've kept their money for themselves, and they can now spend it on accessing the private healthcare that is making their final years more comfortable. NHS waiting lists for certain things are terrible - it's almost like they hope people will die before they reach their place in the queue.

Yes, the state will probably pick up the tab for any old person with no money to their name. Doesn't mean that quality of care is something I'd wish on my parents. My parents sacrified in bringing me up - they don't owe me anything now I'm a grown up myself and they're retired. I just want them to be OK.

Of course, if your parents are multimillionaires, maybe you have a point about them having more money than they could possibly ever need. For most people though, that's not true. For most people, grandparents spending their money on their adult children and grandchildren means those grandparents are going to have to do without.

There’s a very good reason people don’t house share when raising a family @ZeldaWillTellYourFortune - child safe guarding 🤦🏻‍♀️

Funny how all of my extended family managed it with no problems for most of the 20th century...

That's just an excuse because people really can't be arsed to make any sacrifices at all in order to save and put by money for hard times.

Absolutely not. But I think government policy should reflect the realities of the historical situation.

I’ve never been on TikTok in my life! And I wrote
every word of that myself, so you definitely have not.

You obviously seem quite challenged by it. Threatened even, perhaps.