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AIBU?

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Original poster

Stripper talk in the office

72 replies

AlwaysTheGoodGirl · 16/02/2023 11:19

I'm no prude, but the continuous talk amongst the men at my work about 'going to the strippers' before the football match every weekend is starting to get to me. How much it is to get in, how much for a dance, what they do or don't do, it just makes me uncomfortable. I've been here for years and I know they see me as one of the lads, which is fine, but it's becoming incessant. On top of this, one of the women who is here part time (and I love her, she's funny and we have shared really in-depth conversations) she really seems to enjoy playing up to the men, also as one of the lads, and isn't shy talking about sex, but usually in a disgusting way, and they all have a good laugh, challenging each other to what they would do for a million pounds.... Meanwhile I am just trying to get my work done and pretend I'm not listening. Am I just being oversensitive???! By the way, there's nobody I can complain to. It's a small business and we all just muck in and get the job done.

Reading back before I click on post, I am coming across as a proper pearl clutcher!!! But I'm really not, I do have a good laugh with everyone here a lot of the time. I just don't want to feel uncomfortable and I think they're overstepping the mark.

OP posts:
JFDIYOLO · 16/02/2023 12:37

Having just sat through an Equality and Diversity vid at work - this can qualify as sexual harassment under the Equality Act even if you aren't personally being targeted. The business is in a vulnerable position by not dealing with it. Do you have an HR advisor? Can you speak with your LM?

Curiosity101 · 16/02/2023 12:38

Take the topic of conversation out of the equation for a minute - their socialising/joking about is negatively impacting your ability to do your job? That would be the angle I'd take, ask them to move their conversations to another room/place and explain you're struggling to concentrate. Or if this is being done at desks whilst they're working just ask them if they could quieten down a bit as you're struggling to concentrate.

If you need to I'd escalate it but that's tricky in small businesses.

Maybe invest in headphones if leaving isn't an option...

Doingmybest12 · 16/02/2023 12:41

I think if you usually get on with them I would just say it as it is really. This isn't something you want to listen to, it is demeaning to woman and can they talk about something else please?

GetUps · 16/02/2023 12:43

I strongly suspect it's all made up anyway, but I'd have no problem at all telling them they were being disrespectful and I expected it to stop. No matter what rank they/I was. I'd see it as my duty TBH.

Motnight · 16/02/2023 12:44

You need to stop using the language of being worried about being considered a nun or pearl clutcher. Use more appropriate language and report to HR.

BigglyBee · 16/02/2023 12:45

I don't want to know what a birthday midget is, do I?

That aside, I wouldn't like this at all (and I don't care if that makes me a prude or not). I would probably complain about the repetition, though, rather than the sexism (maybe threaten to bang on about something that would bore them for hours).

BigFatLiar · 16/02/2023 12:50

If you're otherwise happy with the job I'd go with the headphones. Tell them to give it a rest.

Workplaces can be like this, I doubt they'd behave the same at home. When I first started work it was the era of male 'dancers' (chippendales, dream boys etc) and there was a lot of similar talk (all female office) with takes of who they were going to have that weekend (or who they did shag).

Protesting too strongly could ostracise you from your colleagues, just tell them to keep it too themselves. Tell them its bad enough to hear them supporting a team of losers only to hear they sound like losers themselves.

Arniesleftleg · 16/02/2023 13:03

I've worked in two very male dominated environments.

On both occasions I've been subjected to bullshit like this. The first incident was when one of the guys walked in and said 'I can see your thong!' I hauled him over the coals. The second incident one of them walked into my office with his dick out (yes really), I flew at it with a 2ft ruler and dragged him down in front of all the other lads. I should have taken it further.
The second role I was in was pretty much the same. Comments about my outfits, standard office attire, guessing the colour of my underwear between them all. Guess who ended up getting 'let go' when I complained?

This was back 20 years ago and I seriously wish I'd have gone further with all of it.
YANBU, your office sounds like something out of the 80's, have they got Pirelli calendars up anywhere? Makes me so mad.
I'm certainly no prude but you shouldn't have to put up with this.

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 16/02/2023 13:05

I would hate this. I’d have to raise it with the boss, formally if necessary. Can I ask what line of work you are in @AlwaysTheGoodGirl ?

GetUps · 16/02/2023 13:06

Really I'd just tell them to shut up. They must know it's not appropriate and are doing it deliberately to exercise power. That's harassment. If they don't realise, they need educating.

I can't imagine putting up with this for more than a few minutes. Me complaining might not stop it but I certainly wouldn't be quiet.

I might put it jokingly but they'd have no doubt I was serious.

"Stop with your Billy big bollocks nonsense, we all know you wouldn't have the nerve anyway".

hekissedmybottom · 16/02/2023 14:07

This sounds like something you could complain about, it's hardly appropriate is it. If this happened in the council or home office they'd well be pulled up about this. Is it private sector or a garage of something?

Start talking all about herpes and STIs and ask them how many they have.

MaverickGooseGoose · 16/02/2023 14:09

I work in construction, anyone talking like this would probably be out the door.

2bazookas · 16/02/2023 14:23

Sniper tactics; pick them off one by one when they are least expecting it.

Whenever you get chance to be alone with one man, say " God I'm so tired of that schoolboy sleaze about strippers. Real men don't talk about women like that, in front of other women. "

refreshingseahorse · 16/02/2023 14:38

Grim AF, and really not normal.
Why would you boast that you have to pay for sexual contact with women? Men are a mystery.

StephanieSuperpowers · 16/02/2023 14:40

It's odd that you feel you have to deny you're a prude to find this inappropriate in the workplace.

Jimboscott0115 · 16/02/2023 14:44

Jesus, I'd hate it and I'm a man. Quite frankly it's always sad men with more than a hint of desperation about them who go on like this.

The fact that they go to a strip club regularly is sad, that they then have to discuss it all in detail is even sadder - I think it's all very much a reflection on them and their lack of actual masculinity that they need to go on like this and I'd call them out on it.

It's little man syndrome ultimately. You don't have to be physically short to have it as anyone can be small mentally and It sounds like these colleagues for that bill nicely.

Original poster
AlwaysTheGoodGirl · 16/02/2023 15:13

Thanks for all the replies.

@JFDIYOLO my manager is one of the worst ones for it! And there's certainly no HR.

@Cocobutt Yep, the woman I mentioned, she'll open her lunchbox and ask if anyone wants to smell her tuna.....

@Arniesleftleg OMG! Thankfully there has been no actual indecent exposure yet! Weirdly, possibly, I don't mind the 'sexist' comments I get from some of them if I'm wearing a skirt or tightish trousers as I know it's light hearted and not threatening. It's the constant bore of the joking on about dirty horrible things and who they would and wouldn't do those things with.

@WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing I work in engineering. I had to take the day off yesterday as my son was poorly, and they've had to wait for me to come back in today so I can program one of the machines that nobody else can program. They'd be sorry if I just walked out.

Having said all this, I'd trust any of them with my life, they are good people, I wish they'd just stop banging on.

OP posts:
YouAreNotBatman · 16/02/2023 15:16

I am a proud prude and their behaviour has nothing to do with anyone being a ’prude’ or not (misogynystic word btw).
They sound revolting.
And very anti women.
Sad that there is a pick-me also among you.

Duckingella · 16/02/2023 15:19

It's all bravado isn't?;I call BS on half the things they reckon they've done.I'm assuming you work for a fairly small company.

Habreathmint · 16/02/2023 15:23

Surely they don't go to a lap dancing club before football?! Or are there still pub strippers? Fucking grim. You could sue the firm for sexual harassment. I'd keep a note of everything said. Revolting. What industry are you in?

Ryebreadandpickles654 · 16/02/2023 15:33

You have NOTHING to apologise for op. Especially for being a pearl clutcher or a prude. Don't let them lower your own standards. You are more than justified in your views.

Jimboscott0115 and all the other pps on here have nailed it. It's totally inappropriate in the work place.

Really difficult to handle when it comes from the top though. I think the best thing to do is to remember that boundaries are about you and no one else. So you are perfectly within your rights to react differently to everyone else and you don't need to hide it either.

Last time something like this was said in front of me I said something bland like "glad we are back in the 1970s" and rolled my eyes.

Then I just ignored it and when someone challenged me on the ignoring I used to say "this sort of misogynistic talk makes me uncomfortable". Just be calm, and very deliberate. Sit up when you day it, take your time and look them directly in the eye when you speak.

If you are challenged again you can say "I don't have to like it" and return to your work. You can also say something about their mothers and sisters but that runs the risk of having to engage with it too much. Most decent men will respect you for being honest.

If it gets really bad though and you are considering leaving because of it, I would seek legal advice.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 16/02/2023 15:43

If your colleague jokes about fish again I'd tell her loudly that she needs to go and see a doctor if her fanjo stinks of it. Pathetic cow

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 16/02/2023 15:45

I work in a male dominated industry (30+ years) and I've never heard any of the blokes mentioning strippers, never mind before going to a football match!

bobbytorq · 16/02/2023 15:49

What a bunch of neanderthal horrors. Not sure I could last that out even it if was convenient.

Twentywisteria · 16/02/2023 17:26

It's grim, but I worked in a similarly small team. When I raised sexist remarks (e.g. one of the men that fancied me counting the number of times I went to the toilet and accusing me of having an STI from sleeping with other men) and racist remarks (referring to all Asian clients "ramadans") everyone denied anything ever happened and I had no choice but to leave.