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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to still bedshare? Will anyone care?

72 replies

hekissedmybottom · 16/02/2023 10:17

So services care if you bed share with your child? I'm sharing with my 7 year old and see no end point right now, it works for us. It's a huge bed and it's just us two, same sex.

Is this a "thing" that anyone cares about or is seen negatively by officialdom at all?

Just curious. Obviously don't care what laypeople think.

OP posts:
Original poster
hekissedmybottom · 16/02/2023 11:30

Thesearmsofmine · 16/02/2023 11:21

It’s fine as others have said just ensure they have their own bed as an option too. I always wonder why people seem so bothered by others cosleeping, do you think they will get to 40 and still wanting to bedshare with their parent every night?

can you imagine! 😂I think by the time she's 40 I may have managed to bag a bloke! Haven't written myself off completely.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 16/02/2023 11:32

My DD shared with me until 10ish. She then came back for 6 months age 12 when she got sick. I have no issue with me and wouldn’t care if anyone did. My boyfriend has his kids in his bed (girls) a lot, they have their own beds. He’s a single parent, and I don’t see any issue with it but sure some people would

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 16/02/2023 11:34

You seem to have avoided all the comments about her having her own bed to go to. Does she?

mybunniesandme · 16/02/2023 11:36

Personally I think age 7 onwards is too old to be doing it regularly/every night and suggests an unhealthy level of co dependency - maybe on your part - since you indicate you don't have a partner

SollaSollew · 16/02/2023 11:38

Like you @hekissedmybottom Iwas a single mum and had a child that wanted to co-sleep with me long past the point I would have liked them to sleep on their own and one of the wisest things my mum said to me (ever about anything) was 'don't worry they won't still be there when they're 18'. She was right, it was totally self limiting, as soon as those teenage hormones kick in around 10-11 that's the end, enjoy it while it lasts!

StarDolphins · 16/02/2023 11:39

My DD 7 sleeps in my bed every night - she starts in her bed then comes to fine anytime after 10pm.

At first (& I now feel guilty about this) I took treats/spends away but now I just think, she obviously feels more safe in my bed for now & it’s not like she’s still going to be in there as a teen. I hope!

she has a lovely bed & room but just seems to like my bed. I would prefer us both to be in our own beds but I now don’t fight it, no point her crying herself to sleep.

Original poster
hekissedmybottom · 16/02/2023 11:40

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 16/02/2023 11:34

You seem to have avoided all the comments about her having her own bed to go to. Does she?

Yes.

OP posts:
Original poster
hekissedmybottom · 16/02/2023 11:41

mybunniesandme · 16/02/2023 11:36

Personally I think age 7 onwards is too old to be doing it regularly/every night and suggests an unhealthy level of co dependency - maybe on your part - since you indicate you don't have a partner

I see there's an assumption this is my choice, it's not.

OP posts:
Original poster
hekissedmybottom · 16/02/2023 11:47

SollaSollew · 16/02/2023 11:38

Like you @hekissedmybottom Iwas a single mum and had a child that wanted to co-sleep with me long past the point I would have liked them to sleep on their own and one of the wisest things my mum said to me (ever about anything) was 'don't worry they won't still be there when they're 18'. She was right, it was totally self limiting, as soon as those teenage hormones kick in around 10-11 that's the end, enjoy it while it lasts!

I know :) I know this is all true. I just wondered if it was looked down upon by social services in general, not that we have involvement, just curious. I know people who do the same and they're either very middle class or European.

OP posts:
PurplePrawn · 16/02/2023 11:47

Perfectly normal all over the world. We are weird in this country about our children being independent. I think it stems from Victorian times and the societal expectation to be separate from our babies.

I think sharing a bed with your kids is one of the loveliest parts of parenting. I shared a bed with my mum until I was 10 or 11 as she was a single mum. Was never weird or an issue for us. Wish my DH agreed, he's definitely more British about it. I do let DS sneak in though 😁

mrsh1807 · 16/02/2023 11:50

Enjoy it while it lasts! They grow up so quickly and before you know it they'll spend all their time in their bedroom!

My youngest is 12 now and rarely co-sleeps anymore, but this was pretty regular for most of his life until about 18 months ago.

No-one else's opinion actually matters if it's what is right for you both 🤗

Choconut · 16/02/2023 11:53

fUNNYfACE36 · 16/02/2023 10:45

Maybe for a young child but I think a 7+ year old needs to be developing independence

Show quote history

You misunderstand how independence develops. Independence develops when you feel safe and can go out and explore knowing you can always come back to that safe base. If sharing the bed is a choice and what currently makes her feel safe then that is the best thing for her independence. You don't develop healthy independence by just being left on your own or being made to be on your own.

Millana · 16/02/2023 11:57

I miss sleepy snuggles. Mine are tweens and still climb in sometimes if they are ill or upset but after about 30mins, decide they need to their own space and wonder off to their own bed.

As long as she has her own bed, it is genuingely her choice (no unintended coercion etc) and she gets the opportunity to be independent elsewhere (ie isn't your shadow) then I think it's fine.

Millana · 16/02/2023 11:58

Oh and we bedshared and coslept until about 4ish when they asked for their own room.

KvotheTheBloodless · 16/02/2023 12:05

Littleloveydovey · 16/02/2023 11:18

I think it’s best to teach children independence , at this age it would be better for her to be able to sleep in her own bed. I’d also be worried she feels she has to tell you she likes it. As it seems something you are heavily reliant on.

Why do you think it's better for the child to sleep alone? Better in what way? Confused

lookluv · 16/02/2023 21:39

OP - it will stop when they are ready.
My eldest was still doing it at 10/11 but slowly going to own bed on some days. Youngest very occasional sharing with me.

Covid came and for 18 months it was 3 in the bed. They were scared - I work in a hospital - we would snuggle in bed, read a book, play a quiz game and play when covid ends we will......

They needed the security - both now firmly in own beds but come a crisis they sneak in for a snuggle and security - think first girlfriend drama, fight with BF, father being a dick.

Dont worry

Housefullofcatsandkids · 16/02/2023 21:47

I co slept with my twins until they were nearly 5 because they didn't have a bedroom until then. They only tend to get in with me now if they're not well. One of my older children used to get in my bed most nights until he was 8 and then he just stopped one day. If you are both happy then I don't see the issue. She has her own room so if she chooses to she can sleep in her own bed.

louise5754 · 16/02/2023 21:48

My eldest stopped around 10 my youngest is 11 and is still in my bed. I don't mind it's just the talking that annoys me.

TheChosenTwo · 16/02/2023 21:53

I coslept with mine when they were babies but around 6 months moved them out because our movements were starting to disturb them.
If you’re both happy with the arrangement and she has a choice of where to sleep then just carry on as you are.
My nephew would start the night in his own bed but would migrate into the middle of his parents bed until he was about 10.
Personally I hate bed sharing (even with dh 😂 sometimes I move into the spare room just so I don’t have to hear him or share space 🤣) and there’s no way I’d want my kids in with me but you both seem to be happy with your set up and it probably won’t last forever!!

Icantremembermyusername · 16/02/2023 21:59

DD (11) has her own bed and bedroom which she loves and sleeps in most of the time. When she's worried about something or unwell she sleeps with me. My partner doesn't live with us and she knows she can't sleep with me when he's here, but I make sure we have some 1 to 1 time before bed on the rare occasion he sleeps here so any worries are dealt with. I don't see an issue, really.

cleanbreak2022 · 16/02/2023 22:02

I co slept with my 7 yr old (now 8) boy (I'm his mum) until he was ready. Evidence shows it helps children feel secure.

My 2 1/2 year old girl comes to me in the middle of the night and we co sleep for the rest.

They both have their own beds, a king size and a double!

I loved it and still do, more so because I'm a single parent and work full time and it's extra bonding time for us. I'm in no rush to force it (although if I met someone that would be different) but I'm not planning on introducing anyone for a while!!!

From my own personal research it seems only Western Europe frowns upon it

Tempone · 16/02/2023 22:04

Ds3 can't wait for when his dad is on nights because he sleeps in with me, I love his toasty toes..
I have no idea what people nean by his independence though? What happens when he sleeps with me that hinders his independence? Puzzled!

BananaPalm · 16/02/2023 22:12

I was a child who coslept with my mum till I was 10/11-ish. The desperation and shame I felt during school trips, summer camps and sleepovers that I couldn't fall asleep on my own was excruciating. And even in adulthood I had (have?) trouble falling asleep alone in a bed. That's why, if I only can, with all my heart I want to avoid cosleeping my DS (he's 14mo now). I never want him to feel so incredibly helpless as I did because I needed someone there to fall asleep. Although now, as a mum, I'd love some nighttime snuggles with him.
But I learned it the hard way that not everything that feels good to mummy is good for the child.

SirVixofVixHall · 16/02/2023 22:14

Both my dds co-slept for years , then they moved into their own room - they shared a double bed together. I actually can’t remember how old they were, I think dd1 was 8 or nine ? After a few years sharing a room dd1 moved off into her own room. She still likes to share with me occasionally though, at 18. I sometimes sleep in her room with her, she sometimes comes in with me if DH is away. It’s nice, we chat away, laughing, until we fall asleep.
Families sleeping together is totally normal in places like India, Japan, and I think Korea ? All over the world humans enjoy company when they sleep.

Murphs1 · 16/02/2023 22:16

My ds would come and get into my bed if he got up to the bathroom at night up until around 8 months ago and he is now 12. I think it’s self limiting and when they’re ready they like to sleep in their own beds. My 14 year old dd will still come for a sleepover every now again, if she’s ill, or feels a bit unsettled. I have no problem with it. We all get a bit unsettled from time to time at night.

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