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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

You ask, you organise?

39 replies

SweetLemonTea · 16/02/2023 09:05

Am I right in thinking if you ask someone if they are interested in an event then you should take the initiative to then organise it?

In my friendship group we share a lot of events among us, in big group or with one person/smaller groups that might be interested.
I send quite alot of ideas so end up booking a lot of things (rallying the dates for everyone and/or ordering the tickets)

It ended up always being me to sort things and was being asked(or expected) to sort and book everything. Regardless of who suggested it, it always seemed to fall on me.
Bare in mind, it means I always have to pay outright and everyone sends me afterwards - sometimes having to chase for hundreds , sometimes told afterwards they need to wait till payday or X date.

Friend has now sent me a music event (which is on for a week and multiple different days) and asked if I would like to go. I replied straight away 'Yes sounds good!'
they replied 'It sounds great!'
I liked this comment.

Now over a week of nothing more.
I'm holding back because I think it's really their turn to sort this? And they are expecting me to do it.
I know it might sound silly but I'm trying not to be so wet lettuce but wondering if I'm being petty without an extra follow up .

so....

UABU - you should ask further questions and start to arrange .
UANBU - they asked, they sort - it's on them to be assertive and arrange it if they want to!

OP posts:
Paturday · 16/02/2023 09:11

If it was me I would send a follow up message saying ‘let me know which date works for you and how much money to transfer you!’ or something.

NamelessTemptress01 · 16/02/2023 09:12

’are you still planning to book X? Let me know how much I owe and I will transfer it.’

NyanBinaryJohn · 16/02/2023 09:15

YANBU

If anything it will be a good test to see if they will bother with the event if you don't organise it for them.

If they eventually ask, just ask in return why they assumed you would organise it and simply say that you aren't in a position to do so every time.

Ellie1015 · 16/02/2023 09:16

Yanbu. As the routine has become they suggest and you organise i think you will need to mention something. A message like PP have said sounds ideal.

Original poster
SweetLemonTea · 16/02/2023 09:16

NamelessTemptress01 · 16/02/2023 09:12

’are you still planning to book X? Let me know how much I owe and I will transfer it.’

I did leave out - I once replied just this for another event and they replied and said can I do it 😑
So trying to avoid that again and set an expectation ....

OP posts:
Ursuladevinia82 · 16/02/2023 09:17

See it as a litmus test for how keen they are for actually doing these events unless someone else organises

whats your situation? Partner, children etc?

weemouse · 16/02/2023 09:23

Well you've made acrid for your own back by always doing it, and paying out upfront, which is madness if it's hundreds of pounds.

First rule of being the organiser, you get the money upfront. It's that simple. No money by X date, no ticket booked.

If you don't want to be the organiser then say that, and/or just book your own ticket.

weemouse · 16/02/2023 09:24

Sorry, a rod for you're own back, that was meant to say

Greatdomestic · 16/02/2023 09:34

I think you go back with the suggested message above.

If they then ask you to organise just say you don't have the capacity atm. Then see what happens.

Good luck

WonderingWanda · 16/02/2023 09:38

I get a bit fed up with the same thing op. I find the reply 'That sounds great, are you ok to organise this?' works well.

BellaJuno · 16/02/2023 09:47

I’d nudge with “Any update on this?” and if they try to get you to book, respond again with something like “I seem to have defaulted to being the one who books stuff and think we should share the load a bit, so let me know when you’ve booked and I’ll transfer my share”.

forrestgreen · 16/02/2023 09:47

If they reply 'can you organise it'
Say
'2023 is the year of me not organising anything. It's been quite overwhelming in recent months/years and it'd be great for others to take on that role'

billy1966 · 16/02/2023 09:47

If you behave like a mug you cannot be surprised if people treat you as one.

You are extremely foolish to pay for anything up front.

MN is full of tales of people getting caught out this way.

When someone asks you to do it, say No, I do enough, I'm busy, you suggested it, its your turn, you do it.....

Stop being used, it will lead to you being taken advantage of.

If they refuse and don't bother, you will know you are being a doormat and need to toughen up.

JMSA · 16/02/2023 09:49

Yanbu. And I'd say something on your group chat too Smile

Starseeed · 16/02/2023 09:55

Would you only want to go if it was with company?

I would just go if I really wanted to, and having company would be a bonus, so that way you can each take responsibility for arranging your own ticket and meet each other there. No money needing to change hands, no having to care take each other, both be adults about it.

Of course that only works if you genuinely want to go to the event because of the event itself and if you’re okay being there alone.

MRSDoos · 16/02/2023 10:01

I am going to be honest here and say that from my personal experience I always find that there is that one friend in each friendship group that seems to organise and it’s almost like because they offer each time it’s “expected” of them. I’m that person in one of my friendship groups and in another two it’s someone else.
I agree with the comment above that you do put a rod on your own back when you take over the organisation each time, it is just expected. I don’t even think others realise, because when I saw a group of friends the other day the “organiser” said (jokingly but obviously not jokingly) “Right ladies one of you can organise and book next time as it’s always me haha” and I realised she’s right, none of us start the ball rolling as we always wait for her to do it.

I also am that main organiser in the other group and I’ll get a text “hey I’m free on Friday if you wanted to get dinner” I reply saying that’s great and then they ask me where I want to go and what time I want to meet and if I can book. So I know what you mean.

I think you should just wait for this friend to organise, try and get that rod out from your back and let someone else do it for once x

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 16/02/2023 10:09

The friends have got used to you being an organiser - they probably think you like to be the organiser and if they took over then you might be offended.

You need to tell them that you've done quite a lot of organising and would like people who have an idea about an outing to take charge. Then its up to them to do it.
Also, I'd refuse point blank to pay for tickets up front. You are not a bank. Say so. You won't book unless the money is produced up front so that you are not out of pocket or having to chase payment. If someone can't pay it immediately, then the rest of the group can sub.
In these days of online banking this should be a very simple matter.

Cosyblankets · 16/02/2023 10:13

Dear friend
Are you OK to sort this as I'm really busy with work kids blah blah. Just let me know what I owe and I'll transfer

Couldyounot · 16/02/2023 10:15

Don't much like the sound of your friends, if they treat you like this

IglesiasPiggl · 16/02/2023 10:19

I find it's always good to establish who is booking it at the time of the initial discussion. If she does ask you to do it, I would reply with "I think I've done the last couple so was hoping you could pick this one up".

Shinyandnew1 · 16/02/2023 10:19

They sound like shit friends. I would force the issue rather than let it fizzle away.

I would text her/the group asking if she’d booked and how much you owed. If she replies asking you to book, I’m sure the people on this thread will help you to craft a suitable reply….

EmmaEmerald · 16/02/2023 10:24

I've had this and was totally upfront, said "your idea, your turn to organise".

the proposer (summarising) said "oh dear, I thought you liked organising things, that's why told you".

I explained I thought it was fair for me to organise something I suggested, but that I was not taking on the role of organiser of everything. She never went ahead to organise the trip she suggested, just went with her DH.

I think it's better to be direct, otherwise some cheeky fucker will assume you're doing it. Plus, it's better to have the conversation.

Triffid1 · 16/02/2023 10:24

I can't stand this. Agree with suggestions above - chase up, ask if they are organising etc. If they say you should just point out you have organised loads and it was their idea.

The other side of this that annoys me, more in club/class/general groups is when someone takes on the organising role and then a whole bunch of people have opinions on how it should be done differently, usually with more work. I watched in awe as our class rep, weeks into end of year money collection for teacher presents etc, politely but firmly shut down a parent who suddenly wanted something completely different and was clearly suggesting the class rep should make it happen!!

IglesiasPiggl · 16/02/2023 10:32

Triffid1 · 16/02/2023 10:24

I can't stand this. Agree with suggestions above - chase up, ask if they are organising etc. If they say you should just point out you have organised loads and it was their idea.

The other side of this that annoys me, more in club/class/general groups is when someone takes on the organising role and then a whole bunch of people have opinions on how it should be done differently, usually with more work. I watched in awe as our class rep, weeks into end of year money collection for teacher presents etc, politely but firmly shut down a parent who suddenly wanted something completely different and was clearly suggesting the class rep should make it happen!!

Oh yes, the non-organiser parents who have so many ideas for other people to act on but are far too busy to help! I was on the PTA when mine were younger and my stock response to these people was "We have space on the organising committee for this - it would be great if you could join us with all these great ideas. The next meeting is on Thursday". Usually worked!

HamBone · 16/02/2023 10:37

This drives me mad, although I’ve been lucky and currently have some good organizers among my friends. I’ve only had to organize my own suggestions so far.

But, I work with a Board and there’s one person who always pipes up with “ideas” and never does any of the work. People are pushing back now-if she suggests doing something, it’s immediately pushed back into her. And guess what, it never gets done. 😂