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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do people mean when they say I'm 'too soft'

36 replies

Chameleonorchard · 16/02/2023 05:44

I'd love MN's advice/ suggestions on how I can 'toughen up'.
I think I'm a fairly strong,
capable and independent woman having bought up 2 children alone and worked full-time throughout.
My children are now in their 20's and although the teenage years (and beyond) were really challenging they are lovely.

My issue is that everyone says I'm 'too soft' e.g my sisters say I spoilt my children,
I have been bullied at work by my nit-picking boss who i never seem to be able to challenge effectively,
I have helped above and beyond with supporting my elderly parents at the expense of my time and health and all through this everyone continues to tell me I'm too soft. Even my partner says it. But how do I change who I intrinsically am? What techniques should I be using?

AIBU in thinking it's impossible to change who you are?

OP posts:
marketen · 16/02/2023 05:50

Following for similar advice

Ursuladevinia82 · 16/02/2023 05:51

Do you moan a lot?

Festivfrenzy · 16/02/2023 05:52

You sound lovely and admirable- strong and kind and actually pretty tough to have achieved all that as a single mom, raising two nice adults that you get on well with whilst surviving a bullying boss!
Could your sisters be jealous of your success? Or maybe it's misplaced kindness eg they're trying to say put your feet up sometimes but it's coming out wrong? Or maybe you're showing them up for not being as kind to others?! Maybe you have more opportunities to be helpful than they do.
Do you feel like a pushover? If not then don't worry!
I think you sound great - just give yourself a good Pat on the back :)

Polarbearyfairy · 16/02/2023 05:57

What jumps out at me is the "at the expense of my health" part. That's not good. What do you do to prioritise yourself and your well-being?

Re your spoilt children, if your kids have turned out well as adults I'd take that with a pinch of salt. Re the bully boss - their behaviour is not your responsibility, you shouldn't have to challenge them.

You don't need to change who you are. From what you've said you're a kind, loving person who likes to give to others, nothing wrong with that at all!

However - Perhaps have a read about boundaries, that might ring some bells and provide some helpful info for you.

Seaweasel · 16/02/2023 05:59

Can you give us a specific example of when people say you are too soft? Have you moaned to your friends or partner about the amount you do for your parents or children? Usually too soft means unassertive, lack of boundaries and low self-esteem which prevent you taking care of yourself. This leads to disappointment in the behaviour of others who do prioritise their own needs because you expect equal attention in return. I have no idea if any of these apply to you but IME, this is generally what it means.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 16/02/2023 05:59

I don't think it's impossible to change with the right support if you really want to. It's unclear though, do you want to change? The thing with your boss sounds like something it could be good to address, the other things with your DC and your parents are you happy with how things wen? Did you have want to act differently with your DC and parents or is it external pressure to have done these things differently? If you want to make changes and can afford to see a psychologist ones whose good and does CBT could be helpful.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 16/02/2023 06:07

I'd start by reading nice girls don't get the corner office.

BeakyMinder · 16/02/2023 06:28

If different people are saying the same thing, it's worth considering. Perhaps they can see others taking advantage of your kind nature - they don't like that because they care about you.

You'd be amazed at how much we can change if we really want to! But no one can make you change - it has to feel right to you, this is your life not theirs.

How about finding out more about how others see these situations - particularly those who have witnessed them for themselves. Ask why they are concerned you're too soft, what do they think will happen if you do nothing?

Then you can reflect more privately about what you've heard, and gradually over time you'll make your own mind up.

MyCatIsAnnoyinglyCute · 16/02/2023 06:33

Do you ever say ‘no’? Do you have boundaries?

It’s ok do this, looking after others to the point of it affecting your health is concerning. You can’t be everything to everybody and it’s ok to say you can’t do something.

Ursuladevinia82 · 16/02/2023 06:41

I have described my SIL as “too soft”

why?

because she endlessly moans about all she is doing for everyone else and how exhausted she feels.

And to respond with you are “too soft” is a euphemism for “FGS stop moaning. If you don’t want to do whatever you’re doing for someone else, don’t do it”

Tuilpmouse · 16/02/2023 06:51

One thing that jumps out was the bullying boss that you say you never seem to be able to challenge effectively... Someone who isn't "soft" would either have challenged effectively or, if they were unable to due to then power dynamic, would have left.

Putting up with a bullying boss seems to be one example of your softness.

RudsyFarmer · 16/02/2023 06:53

People confuse kindness for weakness. Youve allowed people to take the piss I think.

Goodread1 · 16/02/2023 06:59

Hi Op

My take on it is that you can be far too much of people pleaser, and get taken advantage of, or at the risk of this occurring, if you have bad luck to come across, someoone who has tendency to be emotionally manipulative a User type ect,

You just need to value yourself and your time more,

Put effective emotional barriers in place,

Be more discerning selective about people, about potential red flagin , about them or situations,

Not to easily taken in by wrong kind of person

Oblomov23 · 16/02/2023 07:04

The bullying boss is worrying for starters.
I think most people I know are too soft. Won't stand up for themselves enough, looking after sick parents, won't be assertive with SS and their parents GP. Or their boss, or their sister, or their mum. I find it frustrating that people aren't more assertive, firm, saying no, this is not ok. As a sort of self preservation and self respect standard basis. If it doesn't come naturally to someone it's very hard to make someone behave this way. It normally takes a breaking point, to make them act.

CrackedLookingGlass · 16/02/2023 07:49

If you wrecked your health as a carer for your parents and have been bullied by your boss without taking steps to address it surely it’s fairly obvious what others mean by ‘soft’?

BountyGalaxyTwixKitkat · 16/02/2023 07:59

Too soft: push over, a mug, doesn't stand for herself, a walkover, easily swayed, people pleaser, gives too much, martyr, does too much for others who don't deserve or appreciate it, too generous for her own good, puts others feelings and wants above hers, easily persuaded, gives in easily to keep the peace or make others happy even when it inconveniences her, forgives and forgets too much, naive and takes people at face value believing and sympathising with their dubious sob stories

How to change: I think it's down to wanting people to like you and having a problem with saying no and asserting to boundaries. There are loads of self help and professional resources to help you build up self esteem, assertiveness and resilience. I knew someone like this and the bottom line was she was afraid if she stood up for herself or said no that the love will be taken away. She was wrongly branded as selfish by her mother and much older sister and it made her spend her life to make up for it and proving she wasn't selfish. She wasn't selfish from the start, her mum and sis were arseholes but she believed them as most children would. She felt she had to be so good because love is conditional and that she must bend the other way to compensate for her selfish nature she ended up overcompensating for it at her detriment.

Surroundedbyfools · 16/02/2023 08:00

I get this a lot too. I know it’s because I am one of these “people pleasers” with a terrible guilt complex and I do try to work on it. Sometimes I’m like anything for an easy life so end up doing things I don’t really want to.

BloggersBlog · 16/02/2023 08:02

It is often a nice way of saying you are weak and a martyr. Set some boundaries.

MelaniesFlowers · 16/02/2023 08:03

It means they think you let people take the piss out of you.

SleeplessInEngland · 16/02/2023 08:04

Need specific examples. You’ve listed how great you are, so when are people saying this?

DungareeDana · 16/02/2023 08:04

I think of being too soft as always putting yourself last and being a martyr.

So at work that could be doing another person's task at the detriment of your own work or home life. At home that could be telling a teenager that you will drop them off at the station immediately even though you were just about to eat your lunch.

If you do those sorts of things then over time people start expecting that you will do them and they become unappreciative. The teenager won't ask for a lift in twenty minutes for example, just hand you your car keys.

ArcticSkewer · 16/02/2023 08:09

There's a difference between being kind and being weak. Too soft means weak.

Ursuladevinia82 · 16/02/2023 08:12

I think of being too soft as always putting yourself last and being a martyr.

agreed.

and making sure everyone bloody knows that you are putting yourself last (and going around with a cats bum mouth to show how you feel about it! 😂)

Ursuladevinia82 · 16/02/2023 08:14

MelaniesFlowers · 16/02/2023 08:03

It means they think you let people take the piss out of you.

When she’s moaning

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 16/02/2023 08:20

Do they mean they feel a 'doughy'?

What do people mean when they say I'm 'too soft'
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