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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What do people mean when they say I'm 'too soft'

36 replies

Chameleonorchard · 16/02/2023 05:44

I'd love MN's advice/ suggestions on how I can 'toughen up'.
I think I'm a fairly strong,
capable and independent woman having bought up 2 children alone and worked full-time throughout.
My children are now in their 20's and although the teenage years (and beyond) were really challenging they are lovely.

My issue is that everyone says I'm 'too soft' e.g my sisters say I spoilt my children,
I have been bullied at work by my nit-picking boss who i never seem to be able to challenge effectively,
I have helped above and beyond with supporting my elderly parents at the expense of my time and health and all through this everyone continues to tell me I'm too soft. Even my partner says it. But how do I change who I intrinsically am? What techniques should I be using?

AIBU in thinking it's impossible to change who you are?

OP posts:

BreviloquentBastard · 16/02/2023 08:55

Kindly, it means you're too much of a people pleaser and far too willing to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.

Unkindly, it means people either see you as a doormat, or a moaning martyr.

If it's the people pleasing thing of course you can change. It's a hard habit to break, but it starts with the first "no". Doesn't have to be something big, but the first time you say no to someone and stick to your guns you'll suddenly realise how easy it is to stick up for yourself. Then you'll do it more. Then this will turn into self advocacy in work with a bullying boss. And so on.

So the next time someone asks something of you that is going above and beyond, say no. Resist giving a reason or excuse, or apologising, that weakens it.

"Hey, OP, can you stay late today to finish X please?"
"No I'm afraid I can't."

"Hey, mum, can you wash all my laundry for me?"
"No, I can't do that at the moment."

"Hi daughter, can you come over and do all our shopping and then hoover the entire house then polish the silverware?"
"No that doesn't work for me today."

Catspyjamas17 · 16/02/2023 09:00

I hope so. I like to think we keep growing and learning, I'm vastly more confident and less accepting of other people's fuckwittery at 47 than I was at 27.

At home that could be telling a teenager that you will drop them off at the station immediately even though you were just about to eat your lunch

It's entirely subjective though about what you find acceptable. That wouldn't bother me at all.

GretnaGreenIsLovely · 16/02/2023 09:05

If you have raised spoilt children because you didn't feel able to put in boundaries you may have been too soft. If you've raised them well, you haven't been too soft with your parenting.

If you feel taken advantage of by others then you were/are too soft. If you don't feel taken advantage of and are happy to do things for others and have no complaints about it, then you are not too soft.

"too" soft is when you don't put in boundaries/stand up for yourself etc... but it would be better to.

I'm called too soft sometimes by people, but I'm not! :) I never feel taken advantage of, am not raising spoilt kids and my health doesn't suffer at the expense of helping others unless I occasionally want it to because the other person needs something important at that time.

If you are happy as you are, and there are no negative consequences for your actions, you are not "too" soft. If some of your apparent "soft" acts cause negative consequences for you and others that you don't want, then maybe you are "too" soft.

Chocchops72 · 16/02/2023 09:16

I think when people say that they often mean "you are voluntarily doing something that I would not do in your position". My SIL for example, I'd never say it to her but I think she is 'too soft': she frequently goes along with what other people want, and does things that she doesn't want to do because she is afraid to say no or thinks people won't like her if she stands up for herself.

This can get annoying if the 'soft' person then complains about being bullied / picked on / taken advantage of / hard done by - which my SIL tends to do. In every job she ends up being 'bullied', TBH I think she attracts bullies because they can spot a potential victim - someone who will not stand up to them.

Your question is: can this be changed if it's part of 'you'?

SIL has had years of therapy, and has been on anti-anxiety meds for years as well. Nothing seems to have stuck. Whether it's genetic or learned behaviour (my PIL are lovely people but wow they are such moany martyrs! They basically taught both DH and SIL to put themselves at the bottom of every heap, to put themselves last, that their needs come after everyone else's - then they complain when people do treat them like crap / take advantage / bully them 🙄) she seems utterly stuck in this pattern of behaviour. She isn't happy, she's uptight and anxious all the time. She is terrible at communicating her needs - it all comes out as a moan, nag, whine, rather than a clear stating of her needs / opinions / intentions.

From your post, it doesn't sound like you have a problem about being 'soft'? e.g; do you resent your siblings who didn't do as much for your parents? Do you moan about your boss - then do nothing about it?

I think it must be possible to be 'soft' in a positive way: as long as you are choosing the boundaries (which might be further out than most people's) rather than having them chosen for you and going along with it so as not to upset anyone, then maybe you don't need to change. If you are actively and positively choosing to set yourself on fire to keep others warm, then maybe that's fair enough - just don't whinge on about it if you get burned.

Houselamp · 16/02/2023 09:37

I have a colleague who often gets called too soft. Its generally used as a filler answer for her describing her issues with her rude codependant children, that she can't fathom why don't respect her.
Or her letting us know again that she can't finish her work because she has agreed to help someone else - even though she has no time- and is leaving it all to us. She is too soft cos she can't say no and her doormatting is impacting other people.

LittleBearPad · 16/02/2023 09:39

When do you say no to things? Ever?

Do you complain to people about how much stuff you have to do (including for other people)

PeekAtYou · 16/02/2023 09:52

"Too soft" is code for martyr or doormat.
If you are damaging your health then you are being way too soft. You need to say no to some of the people who are causing your health issues. For example if your parents demands make you feel tired then reduce your visits so you can catch up on sleep. It's a major red flag that your loved ones allow you to ruin your health for their sake.
You can change. You know that being soft has led to spoilt children, the other people in your life are treating you like your kids do and taking advantage of you. It's ok to say no. It might take time until everyone else gets used to you setting boundaries and putting yourself first sometimes but they will eventually respect you for that. Remember that people who aren't people pleasers will still have people who love them and will be much happier because they still have time and energy to get their needs met.

DungareeDana · 16/02/2023 15:53

It's entirely subjective though about what you find acceptable. That wouldn't bother me at all.
Yes it would depend on what you were having for lunch and on how far the station is. Hopefully the OP gets the point I was trying to make.

KatherineJaneway · 16/02/2023 16:32

AIBU in thinking it's impossible to change who you are?

The issue is do you actually want to change? You are saying everyone one else is saying you are too soft. What do you think about how you are? Are you happy with yourself?

Wearingatshirt · 16/02/2023 17:12

There's a difference between being soft and being a martyr. If its just that you've let your kids get away with stuff they should've been reprimanded for thats one thing. If you run around after everyone and then moan about it then you're a martyr. The second one I have no respect for as its self inflicted and being a doormat.
Yes you can change,nyou have to brave and gently learn to say no and stand up for yourself.

EsmeSusanOgg · 16/02/2023 17:20

TBH. I think what you're describing is people blaming you for others bullying and taking advantage of you. As if it is your fault for being a target because 'you're too soft'. It's an awful phrase.

It doesn't offer advice on how to be more assertive, or when to complain, or when to walk away from toxic situations. It just lays the blame on you, rather than on the bullies.

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