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AIBU?

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Original poster

Tips for dealing with miserable dh

37 replies

jellybelly44 · 15/02/2023 22:02

Dh and I get on well on a day to day basis. He works hard, helps around the house, could be more hands on with dc but does his bit. But my god is he a boring old fart at times. Literally never has any ideas or inspiration for days out or holidays or anything that requires leaving the house. There's always a reason why we can't do it (clashes with baby's nap time, can't really afford it) it's all just excuses because he's lazy and doesn't seem to see the point in family days out.

We rarely get child free time but he's not exactly forthcoming about planning dates either although marginally more interested in eating out and having a drink that than family days out. Still falls on me to arrange everything though.

I'm getting to the point where I'll just do things alone or with friends if they're available but it makes me feel sad and resentful.

I suggested doing something this weekend and got the usual lack of enthusiasm which I called out and now he's sulking. LTB not an option but I'd love to know how other people cope with miserable bastard dh's.

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 15/02/2023 22:06

Have you told him you feel sad and resentful?

Does he come along in good spirits oyf you organise a family day out? If so, I'd just accept that as something you do and assign him something else to do so the workload/mental load remains fair, but you're not constantly frustrated. Play to your individual strengths.

Original poster
jellybelly44 · 15/02/2023 22:09

NuffSaidSam · 15/02/2023 22:06

Have you told him you feel sad and resentful?

Does he come along in good spirits oyf you organise a family day out? If so, I'd just accept that as something you do and assign him something else to do so the workload/mental load remains fair, but you're not constantly frustrated. Play to your individual strengths.

He will come and be in good spirits but he never suggests or initiates things. He's just hard work and I find it draining.

OP posts:
BigButtons · 15/02/2023 22:09

I would just start going out on my own. I am in a similar situation and although not married or living together, I am now doing stuff at the weekends and if he doesn’t join in then he doesn’t join in!

MagicCat83 · 15/02/2023 22:10

Buy some filthy underwear and a can of squirty cream and have at it

threeblowdries · 15/02/2023 22:11

Could have wrote that myself.
DH is great & works hard but if I mention a family trip he'll start reeling off stuff that needs to be paid for .... Car service etc. That is never mentioned until I suggest doing something.
Comes begrudgingly on days out but once it's done it's done....the zoo ....been once why do we need to go again.
No advice but drives me crazy as well so sympathies.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 15/02/2023 22:11

If appropriate tell him he is turning into his df and it isn't attractive
..

NuffSaidSam · 15/02/2023 22:11

jellybelly44 · 15/02/2023 22:09

He will come and be in good spirits but he never suggests or initiates things. He's just hard work and I find it draining.

Show quote history

If leaving isn't an option than you can either tell him and hope he changes or find a way to make it work for you.

I'd probably just accept that you're the planner. Find something he is good at and hand that off to him.

Has he always been like this?

Hankunamatata · 15/02/2023 22:12

If he is happy to come amd be in good spirits then that's half the battle. Yep it's draining being the planner. I usually plan for a month and write them on the calendar.

Hankunamatata · 15/02/2023 22:13

On plus side dh is pretty awesome at running around doing kids activities now they are all older

Original poster
jellybelly44 · 15/02/2023 22:16

He was much more proactive when we first started dating. Had no trouble planning weekends away or booking restaurants then. Which I guess makes it even more annoying. Obviously days out with dc are different and yes not always enjoyable lol. But as a family unit I'd expect him to be a bit more involved. The alternative is he sits at home on his console which I find pretty frustrating and quite pathetic to be honest.

He's definitely got worse since covid. It's like he's gotten used to being at home all the time and now even the most simple of things is a stretch.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/02/2023 22:21

My husband is a bit like this. But it balances me out as I try and squeeze an unrealistic amount of things into one weekend and we all end up exhausted.

It doesnt annoy me though as he is good with everything else and there are things I'm shit at (planning is fine but I am late for everything and lose everything for example). And also when I speak about it, he does acknowledge his first reaction is to say no...he likes staying at home though and I prefer to be out so we just compromise

CheeseDreamsTonight · 15/02/2023 22:24

It's definitely annoying when they cease doing something they once did. My dh has slowly stopped being able to come up with dinner ideas or cook regularly, even though he was a chef. Maddening.

handsoffate · 15/02/2023 22:31

I have one of these, and unfortunately have no useful advice. Everything is too expensive, too time-consuming or can’t be done because we have to get x, y, and z finished first.

As a result my mum has had a lovely time going on regular outings with me and the dcs over the last ten or so years, but I’d have loved dh to be with us instead. He has missed out on so much and is only getting grumpier over time.

Popplcroft · 15/02/2023 22:32

Leave him. You’ll be much happier believe me. Don’t want to live your life with a dead weight dragging you down

YukoandHiro · 15/02/2023 22:33

I could have written this tbh. Did his parents ever do family days out? I think some of this is what "family behaviour" you have modelled in your own childhood. I feel like my DH is lazy as he doesn't have loads of ideas or enthusiasm for days out either, but he has no frame of reference for it as his folks didn't really do it either

MargaritMargo · 15/02/2023 23:08

If you don’t want to leave then I’d just go about my life however I wanted to.
Organise your own days out with DC, get up get dressed and go off together to the park, have a coffee, meet friends for play dates. Go on city days to free children museums, galleries and libraries.

Find hobbies that you enjoy so that when DC are at school or a bit older and you have more time to yourself you can fill your time and have satisfaction in your own life - exercise, crafting, writing, running, reading - anything that will bring you pleasure and not need you to rely on DP for company.

When he complains about being left out just simply say “you’ve never really been that bothered about it before Dear so I’ve let you off the hook, ta ra now, me and DC are off to the beach”

Perhaps when he sees how much you enjoy your family time and life he may decide to be an active participant in it.

My feeling is you won’t last long term in a relationship where all the mental load is on you, but in the meantime this would be my approach to counteract the sour face po

CampervanKween · 15/02/2023 23:13

I'm afraid it gets worse with age OP. They only get more miserable imo.

I've got many female friends who I have fun with instead to make up for it.

BigButtons · 16/02/2023 08:21

I don’t get the resignation by some posters that they/ the op should just accept that they are the ‘planners’. That’s rubbish. That’s the same as accepting that you are the washer upper and cleaner.

KangarooKenny · 16/02/2023 08:23

So he prefers to game than go out with his family ?

LosingMyPancakes · 16/02/2023 08:26

Why would you want to live like this?! He sounds lazy and disengaged. Tell him to book up his ideas and start participating in making family life fun and active. And if he doesn't want to, he can be single again and do fuck all then?

Shoxfordian · 16/02/2023 08:34

Why isn’t ltb an option when he doesn’t want to engage with your lives together and contribute?

arethereanyleftatall · 16/02/2023 08:59

I'm sorry that ltb isn't an option for you or many other women. My ex was like this, and I was lucky enough to be able to afford to divorce. It is insane how much happier I am now without that dead weight to think about. Our house is such a happy house now. I get that women can't divorce for financial/logistics reasons, but if it's 'for the kids', my experience is that they'll be fine.

BreviloquentBastard · 16/02/2023 09:04

I really do think a lot of men don't want to be fathers at all, they just stumble blindly into it because it's "the done thing" and then sulk when they're expected to actually be an active part of the family they created.

If he wants to act like a teenager sat on his console all day I'd let him, as a single man.

arethereanyleftatall · 16/02/2023 09:08

It's so true @BreviloquentBastard
I'm really interested in people and look around me a lot - I don't think I've ever seen eg a family of 4 having a picnic, or at a restaurant, where the man doesn't look like he'd rather be anywhere else but. The woman too probably, but she gamely holds it all together trying to make sure everyone else, but her, is happy.

FlorencenotRatchet · 16/02/2023 09:09

LosingMyPancakes · 16/02/2023 08:26

Why would you want to live like this?! He sounds lazy and disengaged. Tell him to book up his ideas and start participating in making family life fun and active. And if he doesn't want to, he can be single again and do fuck all then?

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