Tips for dealing with miserable dh

[jellybelly44]

Dh and I get on well on a day to day basis. He works hard, helps around the house, could be more hands on with dc but does his bit. But my god is he a boring old fart at times. Literally never has any ideas or inspiration for days out or holidays or anything that requires leaving the house. There's always a reason why we can't do it (clashes with baby's nap time, can't really afford it) it's all just excuses because he's lazy and doesn't seem to see the point in family days out.

We rarely get child free time but he's not exactly forthcoming about planning dates either although marginally more interested in eating out and having a drink that than family days out. Still falls on me to arrange everything though.

I'm getting to the point where I'll just do things alone or with friends if they're available but it makes me feel sad and resentful.

I suggested doing something this weekend and got the usual lack of enthusiasm which I called out and now he's sulking. LTB not an option but I'd love to know how other people cope with miserable bastard dh's.

Will he do/organise things on his own with the DC? I've never been big into 'family days out' as I think they can be too prescriptive and almost 'forced' but DH and I would do a lot of things separately with our DC ..... DH is big into sports so they would do lots more sporting activities together ... I would do different things such as farm parks, zoos etc which didn't particularly interest my DH. We did some 'family things' altogether but in my opinion no point two adults being bored senseless at a 'family activity' just for the sake of it. Of course if he really does nothing then it's a different matter.
I also think there is a sort of 'mummy martyr' who takes over the responsibility for organising everything and the DH just gets sidelined and probably can't be bothered to take the initiative now. I have a couple of friends like this ..
now retired and no DC at home but she is totally the organiser of what they do and how they spend their time. Her DH can't/won't even go for a walk without her agreement.

Because other than this we do have a good life together. Yes he's lazy in this respect but he's also incredibly hard working, does his fair share of housework and is very loving and generous in other ways. Nobody is 100% perfect all of the time and I don't think it's worth breaking up a family with young dc just because he lacks a bit of enthusiasm for family days out. That said it does get me down and I posted for tips with dealing with it. You can't just end a relationship over every tiny thing that annoys you about a partner.

@BreviloquentBastard Yep I agree- occasionally you get the reverse - a Kevin from motherland- and that's strangely unattractive too!!

He won't change, so you might as well learn to just crack on and do your own thing.

Organise your own stuff with your own friends, that’s what I would do.👍🏼I had a friend who was married to a man for 40 years who loved going to the Pub straight after work and then coming home to sleep/drink a few more cans in the armchair. She had a good life out with friends doing masses of things which she enjoyed/having lots of hobbies…so the relationship worked

Why not work to your strengths. You said he is good in other ways and you are clearly good at planning things.

why not plan them in and let him know what the plan is? I do this and it works fine. Usually have a discussion before hand about logistics etc

I had one of those , thank god I left him to it now hex miserable on his own.
Our lives are happy and laughter filled now, just imagine another 40 years of seeing his sulky face, Jesus. What some women put up with.

'He's definitely got worse since covid. It's like he's gotten used to being at home all the time and now even the most simple of things is a stretch.'

I think Covid has longer term effects than we know. It's the devil's job to get my DP out of the house even for a walk. He's depressed, apathetic and constantly complains of being tired. If he's up and dressed by lunch he's done well. Trying to discuss why gives him panic attacks. He's always been a bit reclusive but since Covid he's become a real hermit. It's proven that it does change the brain chemicals.

I think lockdowns killed a lot of people's motivations to get out and about and plenty are still adjusting. I can see how if you've had a new baby recently that would also contribute to him being more tired/less willing to go out. What was he like prior to Covid times and had you been together for a reasonable length of time when he was being more enthusiastic and planning family days out?

Maybe but you're the one thsts gonna be drinking prune juice in your recent future:)

Have you considered couples counselling?

Suggest doing X,Y,Z this weekend and if he makes excuses not to, tell him it's cheaper than couples counselling and he has a choice; either

1. come along enthusiastically and willingly PLUS it's then his turn to come up with a plan for next weekend's family activities and a date night (including organising childcare) OR

1. you're going to organise couple's counselling to discuss how unhappy you are with his lack of participation in family life/organisation of family &/or couple's activities which will obviously be paid for out of the family finances and he'll need to arrange childcare for that instead.

His decision, essentially, is to discuss how he's rotting your marriage (which will no doubt result in him having to participate more if he wants to improve it) or cut out the middle man of talking/couple's counselling and just participate more now.