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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you move 2 hours away from your family?

80 replies

Foreveraskingquestions · 15/02/2023 20:21

found a lovely home near the seaside and much more affordable and lots more space but it’s 2 hours away. We are desperate to move as our housing situation is getting too much we are cramped in a small 2 bed new build and we are miserable. We would stay in area as we don’t mind living here and the kids are happy but we just can’t afford a bigger house here.

Kids are 6 4 and 1 I have suggested we at least try it for a year and just see it as an adventure if we hate it that much we can come back.

Of course this means we won’t have anyone nearby to lean on if we need them. And i guess the last thing is we will only have each other which I don’t mind DH may struggle with that though as he is more social than me.

now wwyd?

OP posts:

NerrSnerr · 15/02/2023 22:05

I moved a few hundred miles away at 18 and have always been at least 2 hours away (currently 4). We have a support network of friends where we live but between the two of us we juggle work, school and activities and it works well. You just need to be organised.

cheesetwist · 15/02/2023 22:08

My family ARE the reason I have a life without them. I wouldn't be able to see my friends as often as I do without them to take care of my babies.

cheesetwist · 15/02/2023 22:08

My family ARE the reason I have a life without them. I wouldn't be able to see my friends as often as I do without them to take care of my babies.

I was meant to quote @toomuchlaundry

UsingChangeofName · 15/02/2023 22:09

@PurpleButterflyWings I think that depends on your experience of life so far.
My parents both moved some distance from their homes (4 hours each, but not the same direction) in the 1950s, and built a huge community and support network, so that was what I grew up with. Plus of course the same 'model' I saw from all of their friends, who were our community and my parents support.

BlueSeaWave · 15/02/2023 22:10

Sounds fantastic, move!
we’re already more than that from family and its fine, I couldn’t imagine living in the same village/street. They can still come and stay and babysit. A move to the coast is wonderful

bridgetreilly · 15/02/2023 22:11

Make sure you really can afford it. Bigger house = bigger bills. What happens to work if you move? Will you have jobs? What if that doesn’t work out?

Blablablablaba · 15/02/2023 22:23

No never! We moved to a location that inbetween both sets of parents. It's a lovely area but I'm about 30mins away from mine and I wld like to be closer. I'd love to live 5mins away and pop in all the time! Kids wld love it too and wld see their cousins a lot more etc.

Sailorchick14 · 15/02/2023 22:35

We live 2 1/2 hours away from my family and a 12+ hour flight away from in laws. You make it work and I love where we live. I sometimes think I see my Mum more now than when I lived closer as we tend to stay at each others houses rather than popping round.
Video calls mean kids/grandparents can still keep in contact.

coronafiona · 16/02/2023 21:32

I did and I regret it because I have no back up and I can't look after them how they're older.

toomuchlaundry · 16/02/2023 23:32

@coronafiona why can’t you look after them?

coronafiona · 17/02/2023 08:12

Because it's two hours drive there and back. And the kids are at home etc

toomuchlaundry · 17/02/2023 09:34

Sorry @coronafiona I misunderstood you. I thought you meant you couldn’t look after your DC now they are older, not that you couldn’t look after your elderly parents

coronafiona · 17/02/2023 10:51

No my folks are now in their 80s and struggling with health and I have 3 kids who also need me at home. It's hard to be in two places at once and it's a whole day trip there. As kids get older they have more sport commitments at weekends and it becomes impossible, so I would consider that before moving.

Comedycook · 17/02/2023 10:53

No I wouldn't want to live that far from family if I didn't have to. Three kids in a two bed though sounds really tight so I would definitely consider it.

SVRT19674 · 17/02/2023 10:59

I live 6 hours by car from my family and 4.5 hours by car from my husband´s. I have never know any different since having my kid so there goes. I appreciate it is harder when you have family on tap to provide childcare but my housing is adequate. And I love the seaside.

Whammyyammy · 17/02/2023 11:15

We lived overseas twice when the children were young, away from family.

Our son and his family (wife and child) live in Cyprus.

Wherever you live there are roads railways, buses planes, ferries...

PurpleButterflyWings · 17/02/2023 11:23

Despite a number of posters on here saying they moved hundreds (or thousands) of miles away and claiming they have a massive support network around them where they are. I think they are the exception rather than the rule.

I know quite a number of people who have moved hundreds of miles away from family, and they really struggle. Because whilst on Mumsnet, people claim to have a massive support network around them in the new area they moved to (100s of miles away from their family/friends;) in real life the vast majority of people I know who have moved a long way away from family don't really have anybody/any help/any support. Or if they do it's very little. And any support or childminding they do have, they have to pay for, like creches and nurseries.

Seriously - in the vast majority of cases, random new neighbours and friends that you have not known for that long will not be looking after your kids, while you go to work, or go out socialising, or if you're in hospital...etc... People can claim that their new neighbours around them are quite happy to act as family, but the reality is, that in the vast majority of cases, this won't happen.

I have known my neighbours around me for the ten years I have lived here, but like fuck would I be looking after their children every time they go to the pub, or while they are at work. I spent over 20 years raising my own 2 children, and no doubt will be helping them with their children sometime in the next 5 to 10 years. So like fuck would I be babysitting the neighbours children!

The reality is (despite claims from certain posters) that the vast VAST majority of people will not be prepared to look after your children. Only family will do this. And don't bother saying 'not everyone is as mean and selfish as you purplebutterflywings,' because it's true. MOST neighbours and new friends you make, are not gonna be your onsite babysitter/childminder. They have their own lives, and their own responsibilities. And in many cases, either their own children to look after, and/or a job to go to!

I know far more cases of people who have moved far away and have nobody to help them/no support, than I do people who move far away, who have a massive support network. In fact, I don't know anybody at all who's moved far away from home who has a massive support network. They pretty much all struggle. And as a pp said, their children are growing up with no family around them. No grandparents, no aunts and uncles, no cousins. How sad.

I have travelled a lot, with DH, by myself, and with DH and the kids, but no way would I ever have moved 100s of miles away from my family and friends permanently.

Alarae · 17/02/2023 11:26

DH and I live two hours away (if no traffic) from our families (home town). I moved away for university over 10 years ago, settled here and never went back.

To some extent it is a shame that they cannot see our DD as much as they could if we lived round the corner, but I still probably go back every six weeks or so. DD still loves to play with her cousins and is always happy when we go down.

While it would be nice to have someone we could drop DD with for a couple of hours for us to go out, it's not a massive issue. I love where I live and wouldn't want to move back.

toomuchlaundry · 17/02/2023 11:34

@PurpleButterflyWings what will you do if your DC move away.

DH and I moved away from our respective home towns due to work. DH's parents were still in full-time work so wouldn't have been available for childcare apart from the odd stint of babysitting, even if we had lived in his hometown. My parents were not in the best of health when our DC arrived so wouldn't have coped with childcare, so again we would have had to pay for childcare if we had stayed in my hometown.

We have built up a network of friends and support. Our next door neighbours were like surrogate GPs and would babysit DC. Their DC had moved away, so we weren't encroaching on their time with their grandchildren. During lockdown I was their support network.

Karatema · 17/02/2023 12:51

My DC/DGC are 3 hrs and 14 hrs away (driving) so long distance babysitting needs plenty of planning around work!
Neither of my DC could afford to buy a house near me so they had to move to buy.

NerrSnerr · 17/02/2023 12:57

@PurpleButterflyWings having a support network around you is a lot more than just free childcare.

Your children may choose to move away too.

Chikapu · 17/02/2023 13:06

We moved to another country and it's fine, we have a small number of friends and that's all we need. We have no need for a support network.

Ihadenough22 · 17/02/2023 13:19

I think that people need to realise that you have to do what suits you and your family. Having 3 growing children in a 2 bed house is hard. Your running out of space, your on top of each other and what happens when your child reaches exam age and is trying to study?
I know you said that you can't afford a 3 bed in your area. Could you afford a 3 bed say within 10 to 30 miles away?
Have you a garden that would be big enough to take a proper home office type wooden shed? So your oldest could sleep out their, you have extra space for kids to play in/ study in ect?
Are your parents or his parents in a financial position to help you move house by giving you some inheritance early?

I can also say that in some families despite living within a say 20-30 mins drive of each other that very little help happens between parents and adult children. I saw a friend of mine struggling for years after having her 4th child. Her mother was very reluctant to do any babysitting to help her out because she was to busy doing x. My friends mother is comfortably off and never helped her daughter out financially either.
My friend and a sibling have decided now that they will only help their mother out if and when it suits them due to how she has treated them in the past.

Rather than move that distance away I would look into moving to somewhere within say 30 miles away. I would also tell your husband that you need a bigger house and that the only way of achieving this to move areas or ask him can his parents help you out with any early inheritance?
Is their an expatation that you or your husband will help out either sets of parents as they get older because you live close by ect?
I would be very careful about not being dragged into a situation where your left carrying the load of elderly parent care because I have seen how hard it is the person doing it and their families.

Frangipanitime · 17/02/2023 13:30

yes of course, I never understand the need to stay close to your parents. Surely you know many don’t. We move to mainland Europe now back in the uk live about 6 hours away, I can’t see the big deal unless you both feel you cannot cope without them.

Frangipanitime · 17/02/2023 13:32

I saw a friend of mine struggling for years after having her 4th child. Her mother was very reluctant to do any babysitting to help her out because she was to busy doing x. My friends mother is comfortably off and never helped her daughter out financially either. My friend and a sibling have decided now that they will only help their mother out if and when it suits them due to how she has treated them in the past.

how shameful of them. One chose to have four kids, the other isn’t entitled to hand outs. Christ what awful friends who wouldn’t help elderly parents in need due to this. How can you stomach being near the pair of selfish grabby gits

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