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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Yet another V day thread

36 replies

AWholeNewWorls · 15/02/2023 02:25

Bear with me here.. I've been reading about lots of cynical things about hallmark events. I used to be super cynical about things like Valentine's etc. but deep down I secretly want to be spoiled and my DH to plan something cute and romantic. (In the past I have done little cute things for him, like a handmade card and baked his favourite cookies - DH prefers perishables as gifts as he has a thing about clutter/too many possessions).

Anyway, DH is generally very anti all things Vday/anniversaries because he thinks they're gimmicky etc. but like I said, I secretly just want to be surprised and spoiled. Every year I'm expectant and hopeful and every year I try and talk myself down and every year I am disappointed with DH's efforts. For example, I got a card, roses and a teddy bear this year. And I am still unhappy. I hate this about myself.. I truly do. I rationalise Valentines isn't important and to get over it.

For people who aren't into valentines, is this because a) you've always thought it was dumb or b) you've had your fill of being spoiled and now are just generally over it or c) you feel you're spoiled/in a very loving relationship already and just don't see why it's so important.

For the record DH is generally a very lovely and thoughtful husband (definitely does more than his fair share around the house, we have lovely dinners out, going on holidays etc. Perhaps I don't get physical gifts so much but he does the aforementioned list without me paying half) he just doesn't get the big deal about things like Valentine's.

I am quite nervous people will hate me for this post but I truly want to stop feeling like I'm lacking something because DH doesn't want to celebrate or make a fuss of things like Valentine's, birthdays, anniversaries etc.

OP posts:
Donotgogentle · 15/02/2023 03:00

Hold on a minute, your DH got you a card, teddy bear and roses this year. In what way is that your DH not celebrating Valentines?

I don’t understand. It sounds like you’ve lost sight of what’s important.

Bootsandbooks · 15/02/2023 03:04

What is your definition of making a fuss or being spoiled? Would you want an expensive dinner? Jewellery? A holiday? What he got you seems sweet and thoughtful.

MavisMcMinty · 15/02/2023 03:05

Poor guy - he doesn’t believe in Valentine’s Day but has learnt enough about you to get you traditional presents and cards, etc., and you’re still dissatisfied? Sheesh. You sound very lucky to me, give yer head a wobble.

BleepBipBoop · 15/02/2023 03:14

I’d say I am B and C. My husband tells me how much he loves me every day and he shows me in a million ways like sorting out all of my/our paperwork and bills, bringing me ice cream in bed, taking my car for its MOT, getting up early with the kids when it’s clearly my turn, being patient and kind with me when I screw up. Because of that I have no desire for him to spend our money on ridiculous “romantic” gestures. He is out of town today and I got a flower delivery, which surprised me because he knows I don’t like spending money on something that is trash in a week. It turned out he had gotten a really nice plant that will last for years. The fact that he knew exactly what I wanted is the best gift.

Sparklingbrook · 15/02/2023 03:31

I just feel that it’s for teenagers/young people. Had loads of fun at school trying to guess who cards were from etc.

I wouldn’t appreciate cut flowers or teddies or chocolates or any other Valentine’s cliche gifts or supermarket meal deals after 20+ years of marriage.

He buys me gifts at other times, and is a very thoughtful husband in loads of ways all year round.

I’m not sure what the problem is as you got cards and gifts?

Donotgogentle · 15/02/2023 03:32

I’m option A tbh. I think it’s materialistic BS and you don’t need to buy stuff to show you love your partner.

Donotgogentle · 15/02/2023 03:33

Sparklingbrook · 15/02/2023 03:31

I just feel that it’s for teenagers/young people. Had loads of fun at school trying to guess who cards were from etc.

I wouldn’t appreciate cut flowers or teddies or chocolates or any other Valentine’s cliche gifts or supermarket meal deals after 20+ years of marriage.

He buys me gifts at other times, and is a very thoughtful husband in loads of ways all year round.

I’m not sure what the problem is as you got cards and gifts?

But yes, when I was single I loved getting cards.

emptythelitterbox · 15/02/2023 03:40

I'm also curious about what you'd really like done for valentine's day?

I suspect the people who say they hate it were influenced by a parent, or were disappointed, shamed, humiliated, or embarrassed in some way by someone at some point in their life.

CharlotteRose90 · 15/02/2023 03:43

For me I don’t believe in it as it’s a made up holiday for people to buy overpriced gifts. If you really love your partner show them all year round not just one stupid day.

Wildfloral · 15/02/2023 04:04

AWholeNewWorls · 15/02/2023 02:25

Bear with me here.. I've been reading about lots of cynical things about hallmark events. I used to be super cynical about things like Valentine's etc. but deep down I secretly want to be spoiled and my DH to plan something cute and romantic. (In the past I have done little cute things for him, like a handmade card and baked his favourite cookies - DH prefers perishables as gifts as he has a thing about clutter/too many possessions).

Anyway, DH is generally very anti all things Vday/anniversaries because he thinks they're gimmicky etc. but like I said, I secretly just want to be surprised and spoiled. Every year I'm expectant and hopeful and every year I try and talk myself down and every year I am disappointed with DH's efforts. For example, I got a card, roses and a teddy bear this year. And I am still unhappy. I hate this about myself.. I truly do. I rationalise Valentines isn't important and to get over it.

For people who aren't into valentines, is this because a) you've always thought it was dumb or b) you've had your fill of being spoiled and now are just generally over it or c) you feel you're spoiled/in a very loving relationship already and just don't see why it's so important.

For the record DH is generally a very lovely and thoughtful husband (definitely does more than his fair share around the house, we have lovely dinners out, going on holidays etc. Perhaps I don't get physical gifts so much but he does the aforementioned list without me paying half) he just doesn't get the big deal about things like Valentine's.

I am quite nervous people will hate me for this post but I truly want to stop feeling like I'm lacking something because DH doesn't want to celebrate or make a fuss of things like Valentine's, birthdays, anniversaries etc.

Hey I totally understand you, as I feel very similar about Valentines. I never cared before. Now I'm married I care and I'm not sure why it matters now. My husband never meets my expectations on any special day, birthday, Christmas, Valentines. These are just days where, no matter how much a lower my expectations, I still get hurt. I usually bring it up a few days later, we have a falling out, and he ends up promising clearly that he understands these things are important to me, but the next year he fails again.

Can I ask, did he initially give you any gifts for special occasions when you first started dating?

Because my husband didn't. If he'd given me chocolates on Valentines year 1 I'd have been over the moon, and flowers on Valentines 2 I'd have been stoked... a Teddy on Valentines 3...and so forth... even up to the whole lot (like you got today) on Valentines 6 or 7... then by now I would be sort of okay if this year all he did was give me a card and cook me dinner.

But I'm guessing he never gave you these small gifts early on in the relationship?

And that is why despite getting a lot of proper typical gifts today, it still feels empty. It feels like it's too little, too late. Let me know if I am off the mark here.

I got my first ever box of chocolates tonight, heart shaped, just like in the movies... after six years of hinting and outright saying this makes me feel loved etc ...but it just felt vacant. Because after all the hurt and let downs over the years (like giving him gifts at the restaurant for him to vacantly stare back at me and tell me he got me nothing...) I felt like I deserved balloons, dinner out and poetry or a trip to Paris in a helicopter and jewellery haha.

So I know people will say what you're saying is shallow or something, but it's to do with his thoughts behind it. And the years of actions or inactions behind it. And you know your husband best, and whether it was a lazy stab at making you happy or if it was actually legitimately sweet. Trust your instincts.

I really do think people who miss out on romance/gift-giving early on in a relationship, get permanently hurt. True gifts can be handmade, poems, songs, seashells... as well as bought items - cheap or expensive - so long as they are thoughtful, considered and planned..... However only grand gestures or large expenses or exceptionally sweet or thoughtful gifts can make up for the years of neglect if you never get this kind of attention in the beginning.

Sorry for the ramble.

Wildfloral · 15/02/2023 04:09

BleepBipBoop · 15/02/2023 03:14

I’d say I am B and C. My husband tells me how much he loves me every day and he shows me in a million ways like sorting out all of my/our paperwork and bills, bringing me ice cream in bed, taking my car for its MOT, getting up early with the kids when it’s clearly my turn, being patient and kind with me when I screw up. Because of that I have no desire for him to spend our money on ridiculous “romantic” gestures. He is out of town today and I got a flower delivery, which surprised me because he knows I don’t like spending money on something that is trash in a week. It turned out he had gotten a really nice plant that will last for years. The fact that he knew exactly what I wanted is the best gift.

Wow, your husband sounds lovely. He does so many things for you! You are very lucky, I can see why don't need Valentines Day. I think I would be the same way if I was with someone lovely like your husband.

Sweetener12 · 15/02/2023 07:10

I think YABU, because what he did was lovely and if you had some specific expectations you should've communicated them clearly. Maybe there is a difference between your love languages, but this can be worked through by communication. My DH knows I'm not good at creating romance and stuff and a smartshow 3d slideshow with photos is the most romantic thing I could get myself to create, but we discussed it to learn our differences. Anyway, I'm sorry you feel like you're lacking something, you're dedinitely not, it's just differences in your love languages that don't define your worth whatsoever.

KangarooKenny · 15/02/2023 07:14

YABVU.
We don’t do valentines because it’s commercialised crap. As an adult I wouldn’t want a teddy bear, and a plant is better than cut flowers.

Edwardandtubbs · 15/02/2023 07:30

I hate both Valentine's and Mother's Day and I 'qualify' for both. I used to work in a big chain greeting card shop and Mother's Day was their biggest money maker followed by Valentine's (yep even over Christmas).
We had it hammered home to us that the point of both these occasions was to maximise profit. We even had strategies to make more money from the men people who'd left it til the last minute and so would buy whatever was left in the shop.
For me, it is commercialised nonsense and if anything I'll give DH a home made card for V day but it usually passes without so much as a comment in our house!

Lkydfju · 15/02/2023 07:31

This is a bit of a different answer but I know someone who does huge gestures for the women in his life on Valentine’s Day and I’ve always thought I wish my DH did things like that then this year I found out the same man also constantly cheats on girlfriends and for some reason that broke the spell of wishing this for me.
I now take a lot more enjoyment in the little things DH does for me each day liking making me a cup of tea before he leaves for work while I’m getting up and other little things

Binfluencer · 15/02/2023 07:33

Well I'd have felt incredibly infantilised receiving a cuddly toy, so YANBU to be annoyed about that.

Weallgottachangesometime · 15/02/2023 07:34

I’m not into valentines because, like your DH, I hate being given clutter and crap. I even hate cards and can’t wait to get rid of them after my birthday. They just seem pointless.

m However I appreciate someone doing something genuinely kind for me, something that they’ve done because they know I will like it. However I like that at any point not just because it’s 14th Feb.

I don’t think you are unreasonable to feel how you do. It’s just how you feel. Maybe explicitly tell your partner this though. So he knows. Is he generally thoughtful or not? I wonder if this is a valentines specific thing or a year round need you have for being cared for/spoiled more.

MadamOracle · 15/02/2023 07:35

This is a classic example of you not communicating your wants and then being disappointed when your DH fails to magically read your mind.

-You know he’s not fussed about Valentine’s Day.
-You’ve spoken cynically about such events in the past - presumably to him?
-Despite this he got you a card and 2 presents.
-But you are upset because you haven’t been ‘spoiled’.
-What does being spoiled look like to you? A weekend away? A meal out? Tickets to a show? A more expensive present?
-In the real world, people don’t suddenly become telepaths, even if they love their partner very much. If you would like to have a fuss made about Valentine’s Day when you have previously been not bothered you will either a) have to say something or b) continue to be disappointed when your DH fails to guess your ‘secret’ desires.

WeWereInParis · 15/02/2023 07:39

I'm mainly option a, but I do think that it's bollocks when people say "oh I hate Valentine's Day, you don't need commercialised nonsense to show you love someone" but then they do nothing throughout the year to show they love their partner either. That doesn't sound like it applies to your partner though OP.
We just do cards, because I do like to write how much he means to me. But we don't do gifts or a fancy meal etc because it's just not really us. And because of how DH treats me generally, I wouldn't feel unappreciated or unloved because he hasn't got me a Valentine's Day present, and I hope he wouldn't either.

MelaniesFlowers · 15/02/2023 07:39

YABU. It sounds like you want a big fuss and are expecting your DH to be a mind reader and just know that.

You need to tell him.

MichelleScarn · 15/02/2023 07:41

So he doesn't like the cluttery type of presents and in the past you've made him stuff.
What did you do this year for him? Where have you booked to take him to spoil him?
Or do you think V day is only about you getting spooled and gifts?

thebear1 · 15/02/2023 07:42

DH and I buy each other a card and I'm happy with that because he's lovely all the other days of the years. Like a previous poster he does lots of things that show me he loves me. I'm sure I read something about love language and people have different ones. Perhaps yours is gestures such as gifts on valentines.

IndiaDreamer · 15/02/2023 07:56

I am so confused....

Zola1 · 15/02/2023 07:59

I don't really care about valentines day that much, my partner always gets me a thoughtful card and a nice message with some flowers.
An ex always used to go all out, fancy dinner and expensive jewellery or shoes etc which was nice!

Logburnerperils · 15/02/2023 07:59

But he did get gifts and a card so 90% of the previous posts / love language is totally irrelevant.
The post is about an ungrateful person and how they stop being so.