Yet another V day thread

[AWholeNewWorls]

Bear with me here.. I've been reading about lots of cynical things about hallmark events. I used to be super cynical about things like Valentine's etc. but deep down I secretly want to be spoiled and my DH to plan something cute and romantic. (In the past I have done little cute things for him, like a handmade card and baked his favourite cookies - DH prefers perishables as gifts as he has a thing about clutter/too many possessions).

Anyway, DH is generally very anti all things Vday/anniversaries because he thinks they're gimmicky etc. but like I said, I secretly just want to be surprised and spoiled. Every year I'm expectant and hopeful and every year I try and talk myself down and every year I am disappointed with DH's efforts. For example, I got a card, roses and a teddy bear this year. And I am still unhappy. I hate this about myself.. I truly do. I rationalise Valentines isn't important and to get over it.

For people who aren't into valentines, is this because a) you've always thought it was dumb or b) you've had your fill of being spoiled and now are just generally over it or c) you feel you're spoiled/in a very loving relationship already and just don't see why it's so important.

For the record DH is generally a very lovely and thoughtful husband (definitely does more than his fair share around the house, we have lovely dinners out, going on holidays etc. Perhaps I don't get physical gifts so much but he does the aforementioned list without me paying half) he just doesn't get the big deal about things like Valentine's.

I am quite nervous people will hate me for this post but I truly want to stop feeling like I'm lacking something because DH doesn't want to celebrate or make a fuss of things like Valentine's, birthdays, anniversaries etc.

I’m more b and c if anything. It’s not that I think Valentine’s Day is dumb and anyone who celebrates it is a moron but it’s quite clearly a day targeted at people buying ‘stuff’. Who really needs more ‘stuff’?
dh came home with flowers and my favourite vodka and had booked me and paid for a hair appointment a couple of weeks ago because he knew I’d been feeling low and all the cuddles in the world hadn’t quite fixed it. He did the next best thing he knew and went for the material possessions route. It was very sweet and thoughtful and not done just because it was a certain date. That’s how he shows love, kindness and thought throughout the year. Consumables are good for me because i too hate anything I deem to be unnecessary clutter.
move on from this, it’s not important, he did what he thought was a nice low key thing on a day that we are told to.

I don't care about Valentines Day. It's not a special day, it's just been designated by the card manufacturers. A more meaningful date is our wedding anniversary.

But DH and I show we love each other all the time in small ways; odd little gifts, coffee or tea in bed, helping with a household task, just saying how much the other is appreciated or loved, stuff like that.

We have never and will never swap cards and gifts on Valentines Day. And I'm not bothered.

The fact you got three gifts and you're still not happy... That's a bit odd. What were you expecting? Diamonds and champagne? Why do you feel that your DH needs to buy you things on 14th February to show he loves you? Why does it matter?

Can you explain what exactly your DH would have to do for you to feel like he'd made an appropriate effort? A card, flowers and a teddy are not enough?
Or is this a humble brag....

I don't really care about Valentine's Day as we celebrate our wedding anniversary each year and that's a more personal date to mark. Before I got married I would have liked a card and maybe dinner or flowers but it doesn't feel necessary now.

For us it's because it's really for kids/teens. When I was younger the whole point of it was a fun, sweet day for kids to tell their crush they like them in secret. Husband and I do "dim sum day" instead on V-Day, which is exactly what it sounds like. We pig out on Dim Sum and watch a film.

I think my issue with this post is that you "secretly" want to be spoiled and are consistently let down. Unless your husband is Mystic Meg this is really unfair. He can't read your mind and unless I've misread, you're annually disappointed in him without ever actually communicating what you want from him.

Poor man is actually making an effort, and what he's bought you is traditional Valentine's day fodder, so he's obviously trying. All this "Valentine's day is stupid and I'm so cynical (but actually I really want to celebrate it)" nonsense is so childish. Pick a lane, communicate with your husband like a grown up for heaven's sake. Real life is not a rom com.

Well seeing as you havn't told us randoms on the internet exactly what you DO want, how is the poor sod you are married to supposed to know?

Unless of course you are married to Zoltan.

You articulated this really well and I never really thought about it from that perspective. We had a difficult start of the relationship. I don't really want to get into it because DH is so different now. But when we met, I'd been single for 5 years and so I suppose was looking forward to all the stereotypical relationship things. But DH lived abroad for work and whenever we would meet he would combine seeing his mum and siblings the same time as me so we would meet with his family 70% of the time. And I so badly just wanted it to be us two alone. For my 30th I organised a weekend away because I was so worried we'd end up hanging out with his mum. He had promised we would do something that weekend but really nothing was planned and it would have been spent with his family so I very last minute had something booked in. I didn't get any little gifts that I felt were thoughtful. Eg. He came back from a business trip and gave me a travel pillow (he said he got me one because I already had one and I liked them..?) And I never received flowers and I absolutely love flowers and will treat myself to flowers from the florist maybe every other month. He always gets me very frazzled looking limp bunches from the supermarket. I have tried to explain to him it's a bit like a packet of digestives Vs some freshly made biscuits from a bakery ...I don't know

For those who said I never communicated, I kind of had.. I'm in my third trimester with our first DC and I said if we could sort of cram in as much couple time as possible in the 6 weeks before my due date because we'll probably have less time for each other once baby is here and I said specifically about doing something special yesterday. We worked from home and in the day he said we were going out in the evening. When work finished he said work wanted him to do more work but he said he was busy. He then asked if I wanted to come out with him because he hadn't had a chance to pick up a card and flowers and maybe we could get dinner somewhere. I asked where we were going for dinner so I knew how dressed up I needed to get and he said nowhere was booked. I guess I just got hopeful that he had thought about it but it felt it was a last minute afterthought despite saying things in the day that made me feel like he had given it thought. And with respect to the teddy bear, I too am not a fan of clutter, I just wanted something that I felt had some thought put into it. I haven't had a teddy bear since I was a child and it was some tat from Clinton's. I just wanted him to think how it's our last one together and how it would have been nice for it to be special.

Anyway, I feel so pathetic right now. Genuinely not a humble brag whoever said that. I feel so utterly worthless sometimes. I just wanted to feel like he thought about me but who even am i. I am grateful for the things he did. And appreciate I have lots complete perspective of everything.

That makes much more sense OP. I remember feeling so vulnerable in my third trimester and it sounds like you could do with more attention and support from your DH.

I get where you're coming from. You put it far better in your update.
Occasions like VD are important to me to be marked. I'm not the type to post all over social media but feel DH understands what I want/need from special days.
Yesterday I came down to a bouquet of red roses and a card. I'd be surprised if I didn't and was happy with that but what gave me the warm feeling was I'd been cleaning the oven the day before and left all the shelves in soak sealed in a bag of toxic stuff. When I went into the kitchen he'd cleaned them all and put the oven back together. After thirty years that he still wants to be make life easier and be thoughtful. I think this is the sentiment I you're after.

I always get quite irritated at the somewhat pompous sounding posts; "my dh and I show that we love each other every day, we don't need a Hallmark holiday..." etc etc.

It's possible to have both you know!

DH and I are loving and affectionate through the year, we do nice things for each other regularly, book surprise dinners, nights away etc. However, on 'Hallmark' days such as birthdays, anniversary, Valentines Day, we do celebrate these too - we got each other cards, had a nice takeaway, a bottle of champagne, we got each other our favourite chocolates. These days are just a bit of fun, a few hours / day out of the ordinary routine of things. Life can be very routine, why not take the opportunity to make some days a little different.

Next week we'll be doing pancakes for dinner 😀

I think valentine's day is ok for young people/teenagers who want to send an anonymous cars or gift to someone.This is what it used to be.

But I don't like it for established couples. It's just ridiculously commercial and an excuse to spend money. If you love someone you don't need a special day to say it when expectations are impossibly high.

I get the impression you are quite clear on your expectations and desires for special occasions, and that he is a flake. It is so familiar. I hate hate hate it when you said he told you you were going out for Valentines, and then acted bamboozled when you asked what he had booked. He just expected you to suggest or assist last minute. That hurt me too.

My husband is just like this. I have done so much reading on this type of person. Look into the passive aggressive husband.

You can be super clear and straight with your expectations and they will still 'fail' by feigning ineptitude. It's also a complete turnoff to receive gifts you asked for. I never give lists for presents... it's not authentic and I really feel these men are adults who can use their brains to observe their beloved wife, here and there, to figure out if she wants or needs something.

I had the same thing this year... my husband took me to jewellery stores a week or so ago and had me point to things I liked and almost bought me some earrings... then backpedalled. I let him do this, thinking he had remembered Valentines Day was in a couple of days and he should 'save' this gift for then. He had also told me a few weeks ago he bought me some lingerie (which he has not done before) and I said 'oh gosh where is it?' And he was all like 'oh I should've said, it's for later'... and I once again let him get away with this thinking he's just an silly billy who can't keep a secret for Valentines Day.

But then Valentines comes and I try to keep my chin up til like 10pm when I literally have to ask when am I getting the lingerie? He just vaguest out... I didn't even press. I mean, I am disappointed so often, it is what I expect. But it still makes me cry and feel angry all night. I really wish I could get over it, but I think I need to accept the truth which is that men like my husband just don't care about what would truly make me happy.

Like you said, you love real flowers. You would probably die if he went midnight flower stealing and brought you back the best bouquet or stolen garden roses rich in heady perfume... just so you didn't have shitty petrol station ones.

Why would you call yourself a brat? You're not. I bet you put lots of efforts to make things nice for him? And I bet he has told you that you are a brat, when you got upset to receive one of his thoughtless gifts?

It hurts when your loved one isn't listening to what you say, and doesn't seem to want to know you.