ADHD and not employed - would you judge me?

[Silverclover]

Feeling really crap about myself. AIBU for not working at the moment?

Long story short - I have adhd and childhood trauma. I have spent years in therapy and trying to improve myself. Married with three dc, one of whom is autistic. Children's ages range from teenage to end of primary.

Since dc were born I have mainly been a sahm. I did some contract work a few years ago but I found it so difficult - my dh doesn't do any domestic work (I am sure he is neuro diverse too) and I struggle massively with executive function and fatigue so I haven't worked for quite a few years.

I currently do voluntary work in a field I would eventually like to get a job in. I am also finishing renovating our house and do all the domestic work and school admin, cooking, lifts at weekends etc.

I met up with a friend at the weekend for a pub lunch. She is single, has a good career and no children. Every time I meet up with her, she makes comments about the fact that I am not working. When it came to paying the bill, and I got out my debit card, she said "Who is paying for this? Is it [DH]?". Various other comments eg about me not having my own money etc.

In one way I know what she is saying. I am going to teach all my dc that it is important to be financially independent if you can be.

However, years of stress due to various factors has taken its toll. It is so bloody difficult with ADHD - it isn't just this friend, there are other friends who I am sure look at me and think "why the hell isn't she working" as I come across reasonably well. They don't see the struggle I have most days to get out of bed and do the most basic of tasks.

My DH is a reasonably high earner so we are able to cover everything on his salary, although obviously it would be very helpful if I brought some money in.

The irony is that I was at school with this friend - I used to coast through without doing any work and got all As in exams whereas she struggled at school and ended up failing her A levels. I have known for a long time that achieving well academically means nothing in the real world.

I am trying so hard and I desperately want to work as soon as I can, but somehow I don't feel I can juggle everything at the moment. I just feel like such a failure and so ashamed.

I was wondering if most people would judge me for not working?

Your friend is being weird. You sound like you are busy and working hard. Your finances are none of her business.

three Different matters here.

1. your friend. Is she jealous that you are married and have a family, and trying to make herself feel better? Next time she says this… tell her it’s family money - you look after the children, he brings in the money. Once she starts a family she might decide to do it differently, but this is what works for you.
2. The way you see/ feel about yourself. Only you can address that, but it seems you are looking for excuses why you haven’t got a job. You don’t need to - if you are happy with the situation. If not, only you can change that
3. whether others judge you. Honestly- who cares?

do what is tight for you and your family

I wouldn’t judge you, and being a SAHM is hard work, and finances are none of her business. She doesn’t sound like a friend to me

You’re hardly sitting on your arse are you?

ignore her and explain you’re bloody busy.

You friend an ableist nobhead 💐

I wouldn’t judge you but I’m Autistic and ADHD so I actually understand that your life is hard even without a job x

You live your life the way it suits you and yours.

You don't need to justify it to your friend or ask for Mumsnet to help you justify it to yourself.

Your friend sounds jealous of the fact that you don’t work. I wouldn’t judge you negatively for not working, some of my friends are SAHM’s and the only one I judge is the one who’s kids miss out on everything because she doesn’t want to work, she wants her husband to earn more (she has no health issues and her husband is a very low earner). Based on what you said I would think it’s great that you are doing volunteer work in an area you’re interested in. I also think running a home can be a full time job, not working doesn’t equate to lazy.

She's a shit friend. She's jealous.

I'm a bit confused about this OP, what does it really mean?

my dh doesn't do any domestic work (I am sure he is neuro diverse too)

She’s not much of a friend. Stop seeing her.

What works for your family is none of anyone else’s business. Don’t waste time trying to explain it or justify it.

I suspect the friend feels slightly bitter/frustrated at how hard she has had to work (the OP says the friend struggled at school compared to the OP) because she doesn't have the luxury / safety net of a husband covering her costs like the OP.

There are plenty of people with ADHD struggling but they have no choice other than to work.

Thank you all for your kind words - I really appreciate them.

Yes, as some have mentioned, I am trying to justify my life to others. I think the point is that I would like to work, but I currently feel that I am not able to - so there is a constant conflict in me. It's hard to explain the struggle of executive function, but I can spend ages wanting to do something but concurrently mentally and physically paralysed. Which then leads to feeling not good enough etc - something I really need to work on!

@DuplicateUserName my DH struggles with work and life in a similar way to me. His job seems to take all his energy and he needs a lot of down time.

I don’t think ADHD is an excuse not to work. However 3 kids and running their home is, and as long as your DH agrees and earns enough that you don’t rely on UC or the state, then why not?

@HundredMilesAnHour " There are plenty of people with ADHD struggling but they have no choice other than to work."

I know. I don't know what to say.

@Cuppasoupmonster "I don’t think ADHD is an excuse not to work."

I don't know what's wrong with me that I can't cope with work as well as doing all the domestic stuff and looking after the children.

Is she judging you? Or is she worried that if you and dh split you would be very financially vulnerable

Other people aren't judging you. You think they are because of the weird and unfair attitude of this friend.

I have this kind of thing - there is one "friend" who makes comments about my parenting and every time it happens I start to think wait, does everybody secretly think that about me?! But then I get some perspective and it turns out they don't. It's just this person has a weird complex. I try to avoid them honestly because it's not a helpful thing for me at all, it just makes me paranoid.

Don't worry. Sounds like you are doing great. I also have ADHD and I think you should be proud of what you've achieved. So what if your milestones don't look like everybody else's. I bet you're making a positive difference in your children's lives and the lives of those you volunteer with.

Come and join us on the neurodiversity board if you prefer a thread without all the judgemental randoms it doesn't show up in active. Follow the topic and turn on notifications to get alerted when there's a new thread instead.

Your friend is pants. I would suggest giving yourself a break from people who make you feel bad about yourself. You are doing a grand job! Speaking as a sahm of 20 yrs to 4 children 3 of which neurodiverse and I am ADHD your life is tough! My DH is the main earner so I do house stuff mostly and kids when they were younger. It works for us. I work part time but only in last 6 yrs. Go live your best life with your family and don't let your friend give you anxiety 🙂.

You’re busy! You have 3 kids, one with autism, a lot going on. That’s a full time job in itself. Cut yourself some slack.

There has been a (admittedly small) study done which shows that people with ADHD are 5 times more likely to have been homeless

So whilst people may say 'well lots of people have adhd and have to work' and its true. It's also true that lots of people with adhd cannot manage to work and if they are not in a supportive relationship like the OPs then they can end up homeless

Everyone's experience with ADHD is different and the fact that some people manage to work with it shouldn't mean those who don't are somehow not trying hard enough.

I work with a visual impairment but I certainly don't go around judging people with visual impairments who don't work.

Unless your friend has some reason to be worried you are in precarious financial position then perhaps she's just not a very nice friend?

I can't cope with work as well as doing all the domestic stuff and looking after the children.

Neither can I which is why I have one child.

Neither can lots of my friends with 2 children which is why they have cleaners and sometimes gardeners as well.

Oh and did I tell you my DP works PT like a few friends or their partners?

First of all this person is not your friend. Making someone feel like shit for not working when they know why they don't work and these reasons are 100% a valid reason not to is horrible. The problem with society now a days is everyone judges you for what you do and for what you don't do. It used to be normal for the mum to stay at home and raise the kids whilst dad went out to work, now it's frowned upon and so many people judge this. If it's not for you fine don't do it but if it works for an individual family and they can afford to be a one income household then what's the issue? I understand people want to teach their kids to be independent but again if when they grow up and this works for their family and it's what they want why is it an issue that they grew up with this? Mum's are strong, hardworking women who run a house and raise kids ... Why aren't we praising this and shining a positive light on this area of life if the people doing it are happy? A job and a career doesn't define who you are as a person and if you are unable to work due to health issues (I'm currently in the same boat) this shouldn't be looked down on and it annoys me that it is!

Your friend sounds deeply unpleasant and not someone I'd want to know, tbh!

Constant put-downs like that are just spiteful.

She's probably incredibly jealous that you're so successful in life. Very few of us manage three children and a happy relationship. And three children are very, very hard work, rewarding though it must be.