ADHD and not employed - would you judge me?

[Silverclover]

Feeling really crap about myself. AIBU for not working at the moment?

Long story short - I have adhd and childhood trauma. I have spent years in therapy and trying to improve myself. Married with three dc, one of whom is autistic. Children's ages range from teenage to end of primary.

Since dc were born I have mainly been a sahm. I did some contract work a few years ago but I found it so difficult - my dh doesn't do any domestic work (I am sure he is neuro diverse too) and I struggle massively with executive function and fatigue so I haven't worked for quite a few years.

I currently do voluntary work in a field I would eventually like to get a job in. I am also finishing renovating our house and do all the domestic work and school admin, cooking, lifts at weekends etc.

I met up with a friend at the weekend for a pub lunch. She is single, has a good career and no children. Every time I meet up with her, she makes comments about the fact that I am not working. When it came to paying the bill, and I got out my debit card, she said "Who is paying for this? Is it [DH]?". Various other comments eg about me not having my own money etc.

In one way I know what she is saying. I am going to teach all my dc that it is important to be financially independent if you can be.

However, years of stress due to various factors has taken its toll. It is so bloody difficult with ADHD - it isn't just this friend, there are other friends who I am sure look at me and think "why the hell isn't she working" as I come across reasonably well. They don't see the struggle I have most days to get out of bed and do the most basic of tasks.

My DH is a reasonably high earner so we are able to cover everything on his salary, although obviously it would be very helpful if I brought some money in.

The irony is that I was at school with this friend - I used to coast through without doing any work and got all As in exams whereas she struggled at school and ended up failing her A levels. I have known for a long time that achieving well academically means nothing in the real world.

I am trying so hard and I desperately want to work as soon as I can, but somehow I don't feel I can juggle everything at the moment. I just feel like such a failure and so ashamed.

I was wondering if most people would judge me for not working?

Hardly a luxury having health issues that prevent you from working just because her husband helps 🙄 every person who can't work due to health wants to work because they feel constant guilt and feel like they're judged. Just because one person with a certain health condition can do something doesn't mean another one can.

No one can (something would have to give as you can't be in three places at once), and it's far, far harder to do anything at all in life if you've experienced childhood trauma, yet alone with adhd on top.

There's no need to take paid work from people who need it if you don't need it, surely? Wouldn't that be immoral? The system we live in requires a number if unemployed people so it's only right that those who don't need work don't take it. And actually people with ADHD who can't work should be entitled to disability benefits.

Your friend is rude. You and your DH have divided the labour for your household in a way that works for you both. Not only that, you’re making a contribution to your community through voluntary work and gaining useful experience for yourself.

What is there to judge?