To ask for your experiences of shared parental leave?

[Beaujangle]

DH and I are thinking of this but have a couple of reservations/confusions.

The first is around pay. Both our employers pay 6 months at full pay for parental leave. Does this mean I can take 6 months and my full salary and then DH take 6 months at his? Thus effectively being on a full salary?

Secondly - if anyone has done this, how did you find it? Did you feel you missed out by only taking 6 months? In some ways I feel 12 months off work is a reward for being pregnant.

I'm not sure about the pay but myself and my husband did split parental leave and both loved it. I had my time with my DS and then I could go back to work without worrying about our DS because I knew they were safe with DH. It also meant my DH got to spend quality with our DS and they have such a close bond.

No. It’s usually only the period immediately after birth that is covered by full pay. So if you take 6 months he would just get SMP for 3 months.

But check with your employers. It’s a complicated system.

I didn’t do it but if you are planning on breastfeeding then going back after 6 months would be very difficult. (Unless you manage to get one of those helpful babies that will also take a bottle. Sadly - despite underlying it three times in my order form - neither of my kids came equipped with that feature!)

Pay depends on your policy - in my experience most say that they top up statutory. There's only 9 months statutory pay. However! The way shared parental leave works is that you don't have to take the 9 months statutory pay in the first 9 months of the 12 months leave.

DP and I were in the same situation - DP gave birth and I was the higher earner. We both had six months full pay from work, but both work policies only said during statutory. What we did was:
DP 3 months leave full pay
DP 3 months leave unpaid
Me 6 months full pay.
There's a really good civil service document that goes through lots of different options that I can dig out if it would be helpful.

I would say 6 months / 6 months was a bit tough. DS was an exclusively breast-fed bottle refuser, so trying to handle forcing him to take a bottle as there was literally no other option and starting weaning was a bit tough. This time we're doing 8/4 or 9/3. However, it was absolutely great us both having a really good amount of one-on-one time with him.

Don't know about the pay either but in my opinion the first 6 months are the hardest. For you, I would think about splitting 9m / 3m if you want to split it (I personally wouldn't want to)

DH got full pay from his employer for 3 months but only if he took it straight after birth. We couldn’t have managed on my much lower pt salary for dc2 so we were both off for that time. It was great. I would have been incredibly resentful about doing the first 6 months - which are the hardest and included my c section recovery - then handing the baby over and going back to work at 6 months. Especially as I was ebf all that time so would have had to force weaning or expressed constantly to make it work.

We didn't do shared parental leave as dh is self employed but I went back after 6 months and we shared care equally from then

It was plenty time off, I probably could have gone back earlier

If you can share the leave equally with no financial detriment you should

Don't waste a year setting yourself up as the default parent

Personally, as someone currently on month four and exclusively breastfeeding, I wouldn't want to go back now - practically it would be stressful for both baby and I and that's not even taking into accident the emotional side of it all. Plus with all the postpartum recovery and sleep deprivation and regressions, you'd be back at work but baby would still want you. Maternity leave is such a difficult but special time, if you want to take all of it, then do.

10 years ago, we accidentally did this as, whilst I'd planned on taking a year off with DC2 (as I had done with DC1), DH lost his job when DC2 was 6 months old and I got a bonus if I went back after 9 months rather than taking a year.
For us, it was really beneficial. There were some "wtf" moments (DH gave toothless 7mo DC2 a sausage for lunch!) and I often wondered if DH had shut his eyes when picking clothes for them to wear but I quite enjoyed coming home from work to the house in utter chaos and knowing that he wasn't having it any easier than I had; I also enjoyed coming home to a tidy house and appreciating how much effort he'd put into that. I found it sweet when another mum mentioned years later that she'd always had to remind DH that DC1 needed to put her tights on before her ballet leotard and then offered to do DC1's wrap skirt herself as it was just too painful to watching DH try to figure out how it worked. I liked it when DH rang me ask what he was supposed to do when DC2 finally fell asleep for his nap just as DC1 needed collecting from pre-school and that the only answer was to try and transfer still-sleeping DC2 into the pram only for him to wake and scream all of the way to pre-school and back or when he told me tales about various things which had gone wrong and he gradually worked out that this was what my life had been like.
10 years later, I still think it is a difference between me & some of my friends. He did see what it was like on the front line of parenting and I have always had complete faith that he could deal with it. Partly this is due to mine & DH's natures and approaches to life but I do think that I have left him to it a bit more than friends whose DH never had sole charge when they were little.
The only regret I have was that it wasn't planned and we were very stressed about money so couldn't go off & have fun.

In you wont both get full salary (though I do know of some companies that did this in error when it was first set up as they didn't know what they were doing).

Advantages - you are not the default parent. You see things from both perspectives. You get to ease yourself back into work without worrying about stressing about your child at the same time and rushing home etc. The other parent does all the settling in at nursery and nursery admin stuff. The other parent also gets a parent network of people they meet at baby classes. You're not out you're the workplace for quite as long. Because you both accrue holiday and can tag it on it can work better financially even if you're on statutory.

Disadvantages - you really have to do the first bit to recover from birth and breastfeed. It feels like you do the drudge work of sleepless nights and weaning etc and the other parent gets the fun and the interaction. My babies didn't take bottles. I went back at 9.5 months the first time and it was a bit tricky with breastfeeding. A whole year off would have been nice. Some men find their work are a bit funny about it

I think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.

I agree with this.

I took 8 months off and my partner took 5 months off - this was a mix of holidays, paternity leave and the balance of my leave. We took the leave starting from the day of my planned section. Then, we both returned to work part time. I’m picking up another day in June (when DS is 18m old) and going back to 5 days the following year. Df is probably going to look for a new FTjob at some point in that time.

Being off together for so long, and now us both working part time, has been so beneficial to the whole family. People are always complimenting my partner on being “so hands on” and “really involved” and “does so much” to which we both roll our eyes, because of course he does, he’s their father!

We did this. Husband took two weeks off when baby was born and then some annual leave too. I was on maternity leave for 9.5 months, although the first couple of weeks were before baby arrived. We had a couple of weeks off together as our changeover coincided with Christmas and we used our annual leave accordingly. So I went back when baby was 10 months. He had two months of leave then. His leave was unpaid (his employer did not offer an enhanced scheme for parental leave); mine was six months at full pay then SMP then nil.

In some ways I feel 12 months off work is a reward for being pregnant.
We both felt like this really. DH said that he would be happy to do it but that it was absolutely my leave I'd earnt and entirely up to me if I wanted to give any of it up. I didn't want to so that was that.

There is only 39 weeks of pay between you, and you can split that however you like, but usually you can't get more than 39 in total.

It's hideously complicated, and it is further complicated by the fact that it really depends on the specific wording of each of your employers' policies. Eg. Have a look at your partners policy. Does it say he can have whatever the mother does not take as 'maternity leave'? Because if that is the case, you could potentially take SPL instead of mat leave and he'd get a bit more.

We did an 8-4 split. It was a bit rough going back at the start as DC wasn't sleeping well and still breastfeeding a lot. Thankfully I got into the habit of expressing 1 feed a day for DH to give from the newborn days, so that plus WfH days made it feasible. I did resent DH a little for getting "the fun bit" when baby was more interactive/weather was nicer/it wasn't lockdown, but it was worth it to see him take the lead on parenting and for me to not be the default parent all the time.

I had seven months at home, then went back to work while DH had two months at home. It worked very well for us, but looking back I wish we could have done 9 months/ 3 months so I could have had that extra time at home.

It meant that DH understood the reality of being at home with a baby, and has been a much more involved parent than most dads I know.

It was much easier for me to settle back into work without having to settle DD into nursery at the same time. When she did start nursery, I could take time off if she got ill having ‘established’ myself back at work.

Money-wise, I was only entitled to statutory maternity pay after 6 months and he was entitled to the same. We both earned the same, so I went back full time while he was on leave so our overall income was the same (one full wage + one statutory maternity payment).

When I mentioned it to other mums at baby groups, I usually got the same two reactions - ‘we can’t afford it because I earn less than my DH’ and ‘I don’t want to give up my time with the baby’. I definitely felt like the oddity as I didn’t have that full year at home.

I know DH was generally the only dad at groups, which he struggled with even though people were friendly. This was in 2015 so it might have changed now.

I can’t advise on the financial side. What happened for us was that I took off 39 weeks and DH took off 13 weeks at the end of my 39 weeks. My work paid full pay for 26 weeks, then statutory for 13 weeks. DH recieved no payment for the weeks he was off. He had also taken off 6 weeks of saved annual leave when DS was born so I was fortunate to have him with me to help in the first few weeks.

it’s made a massive difference to our lives: because we started parenting life as equal parents. Everything child related doesn’t automatically fall to me. DH and DS have a great bond.

the only downside was that I didn’t really want to go back to work at 39 weeks.

We didn't do it because, well quite honestly, because it was my leave and I didn't want to share it.

I don't see why women should have to give up their leave. If men want longer off (which I fully support) let them fight for it. The very fact that they don't have longer when the majority of CEOs are men tells you everything.

And before anyone says it, DH is totally a 50/50 parent. He has a great bond with the children. He was supportive of my breastfeeding them. He adores them and isn't a dick. I'm a SAHP and he tidies up after himself, clears up after dinner, does his own washing, etc.

I definitely want to do shared - we’re equal parents, why should I get all the time off. But it’s so complicated to sort with our respective HR teams! Shame more don’t do it as I’m sure it would force the system to improve

Women don’t have to give up their leave, but the option is there.

It worked really well for us as my salary is double his. I would have had to go back to work at 8 months regardless. This allowed me to give my partner the balance, the drop from his pay to SMP was significantly less than mine was.

Just because it doesn’t work for you, doesn’t mean it doesn’t work for all women. It’s a fantastic option for many.

@Twizbe

If you always intended on being a sahm and the default parent then it's not really relevant, is it.

I didn't view mat leave as being of a specific length anyway.

The idea of needing a whole year seems a bit self indulgent

And I was never going to be a sahm or accept dh doing anything other than equal parenting

We took it at the same time - both were at home with the baby for five months.

It was amazing. It gave us both so much confidence and my husband has a beautiful bond with the baby. They are so close - we combi fed, shared the nights, had lovely lunches out in the sunshine, spent wonderful days together as a family. I wouldn’t trade that time as a family for anything.

I would say that you might find you’re less confident than the mums that have been running solo since two weeks in, but on the other hand you may resent your partner less.

If you can afford it, it’s totally worth it

We did 9/3 split both times. The pay situation is as clear as mud and largely depends on the policy of the parent who goes second . We formula fed so no issues there. Generally it was positive esp re getting DH to plan the day, pack the bag. I regret micromanaging him a fair bit. My punishment is to carry the mental load for all time.

We did 7m/5m for DS1 and 9m/3m for DS2. With DS1 I did feel a bit like I missed all the good bits - I went back just as he started to get more interesting. But I think it is a really good way of ensuring a more equal relationship going forward. It is really the only way for your DH to actually appreciate the reality of looking after the child(ren) day in day out.

My baby cried most of the day (and don't even get me started on the nights - think along the lines of no sleep because of baby waking every 45 mins) for the first 6.5 months, it was honestly dreadful... he's been absolutely delightful since he learned to crawl (and wave, clap, chatter etc) - I now have 9 of my 52 weeks off left - and that doesn't feel long enough 😞