To ask for your experiences of shared parental leave?

[Beaujangle]

DH and I are thinking of this but have a couple of reservations/confusions.

The first is around pay. Both our employers pay 6 months at full pay for parental leave. Does this mean I can take 6 months and my full salary and then DH take 6 months at his? Thus effectively being on a full salary?

Secondly - if anyone has done this, how did you find it? Did you feel you missed out by only taking 6 months? In some ways I feel 12 months off work is a reward for being pregnant.

The main issue I had was all kinds of people feeling the need to explain to me why they couldn't possibly have done it themselves because they/their DH was too well paid/busy/important, they breastfed, they were attachment parents blah blah,

@Everydayitsgettingcloser i haven’t had that but you’ve made me think! If someone says their Dh can’t I shall lean forward confidingly and supportively and say oh yes they say that, but really they just don’t love their baby enough. Some men don’t, it’s a shame.

@Twizbe

Do you think you're self indulgent?

If not why do you care what I think?

And yes we have kids for longer than a year. All the more reason to start as you mean to go on.

I wouldn't have impacted my career without him being willing to do the same

First time round we did 9/3 but DP saved a bunch of annual leave to tag onto his paternity, so he was home for 5 weeks at first, which was invaluable. His work also encouraged him to WFH for a couple of weeks after that to support me. In the end when it came to those last 3 months I was NOT ready – traumatic birth, PND, EBF baby who fed relentlessly, and still waking hourly at night. Luckily I was self-employed and we had savings so I stayed off with DP at the same time, which worked well.

This time round we’re lucky enough for him to have four months at the start without it affecting my leave, so I’ll do the full year including the unpaid bit at the end, but we’re both home now – me to recover and feed the baby, DP to do everything around the house.

This does depend on your employer’s agreement but you don’t have to do it in one block – a friend of mine is doing four chunks throughout the year, interspersed with annual leave, so he’s there for newborn support, four month sleep regression support, plus fun weaning and baby interaction times. Bit of a pain to organise projects around from a colleague POV but that’s nothing compared to the benefit.

From DP POV the main things to think about really are: lack of baby changing facilities in men’s loos, and being the only dad at baby classes – some communities are great and some are shit and I know a few dads who’ve been left out because the chat is largely episiotomies and cracked nipples early on. Whereas later they can join in when talk moves to solids and competitive teething.

Yes yes to the previous comment where you encounter lots of mums saying it wouldn’t work for them because (variation of they don’t trust their baby’s Dad or their baby’s Dad isn’t interested enough). Of course there are many valid reasons for not wanting shared parental leave but you hear a lot of excuses down the line too.

Recently someone I manage said he couldn’t possibly take shared parental leave because his wife was breastfeeding. He probably got more than he bargained for when he got a reply back from me saying it didn’t seem to be a problem for my breastfeeding journey as I was still feeding my 3 year old…

🤣🤣🤣 @Whattheladybird id pay good money to see his face after your response!

My DH is on SPL (I'm still on maternity leave- well the annual leave tag on and return to work when Dd is 1yo) and I'm still exclusively breastfeeding my 10month DD - she's never had formula and he's doing fine.

A few mums said "I could never" give my maternity away but those will likely be the same mums complaining that their "DH" doesn't parent equally...
For the most part I've had people ask more and start conversations with their work and DH about switching to SPL. My husband loves spending 1on1 time consistently with dd, has made dad friends at classes and more importantly is confident in parenting DD so doesn't have to default to me. Added bonus is we've had lots of holidays as a family in the 10months my daughter has been here (DH took 5 weeks at the start as well so we had the best time in our newborn bubble).

If we are lucky enough to have more DC we'll definitely take SPL again.

Personally I can't imagine having a child with someone I didn't trust enough to look after our baby.

Can't speak from experience yet but finding this thread really interesting. Currently expecting my first and the plan is for me to take around 9 months off. DH to take 4 weeks at the start as 2 paternity leave and 2 shared parental leave and then to take the 8 weeks at the end when I go back around 9 months.
It feels like a good balance hypothetically now and I want him to experience running the house and looking after a baby so we both know what that's like.
I've said though we'll review it around 6 months in as I don't need to declare my shared parental leave dates and neither does he until 8 weeks before and I know hormones and general life may be very different in practice to how I plan it.
He could still take those 8 weeks at the end though and I could not go back to work or go back part time.

A few mums said "I could never" give my maternity away but those will likely be the same mums complaining that their "DH" doesn't parent equally...
I'm the former but not the later. Didn't want to give up any of my time off but also don't have any issues with equal parenting.

It may well be self-indulgent as a PP put it but if it is it's a level of self-indulgence I am entirely comfortable with. DH being back at work full-time never stopped him taking an equal part of nappies, and bathing and being out and about at weekends and in the evenings. SPL is fantastic and it should be made easier to access for everyone who wants it, but I have no regrets in not using it.

I could never give the first 8-10 months of my maternity away. Until you get out of the haze and start being able to enjoy life with the baby and it’s such a beautiful age with them! Once I’ve got there more than happy to share. Best of both worlds now- I wfh a few days a week and get to come out and cuddle my baby and go back to work and hear Dh struggling to get stuff done as she gets tired but won’t nap…

@DappledThings me too. My husband only had 3 weeks and 2 weeks pat leave respectively but is still a very active parent.

@Codlingmoths

If it's such a beautiful age surely your oh, their other parent, has as much right to experience that as you do?

@Twizbe

Being an active parent is not the same a as being the default parent/primary parent

@botw1 I’ve done the exhausting hard slog of sleepless nights and breastfeeding every couple of hours and spending all day trying to get them to nap for them to fall asleep 10 seconds before I have to go on the school run, I insist on a couple of nice months before going back. I’m not doing all the hard yards then he gets to swan in and I’m off to work without having had 4 hours sleep in a row in 6 months, why do you think I should be miserably unwel through pregnancy, give birth, look after a baby for the toughest part, then as soon as it gets easier I owe Dh a go? Why would I do that?? Dh is now on paternity leave enjoying our jsut turned 1 year old which is a very adorable age. He’s not hard done by.

We used our SPL for DH to take longer immediately post-birth which was absolutely wonderful. I had a difficult time at the birth and there’s no way I would have recovered as well or established breastfeeding as well without him being around 24/7. It was magic and we look back on that time very fondly. I shaved some time off the end of my maternity leave to give DH the time at the beginning. I don’t think I could have gone back to work at 6m - DD still breastfeeding then and I simply wasn’t ready. I could have faced it a little later with DH doing the nursery settling in process etc but a 6m/6m split exactly just wouldn’t have worked for us.

I took 9 months on SMP and my husband then took 3 months but his company offer 6 months full pay so he received full pay for these 3 months which was great (as I'd have received £0).
Best thing we did as his bond with DD is great, it allowed me to slot get back into work ( used some AL so we could have some time off together then went back part time so we had several days a week together). It meant he got an insight into full time care for DD. It also gave him some time for a bit of a change from work / he got to see his mum a bit more etc.

We've just had another baby and will be doing it again. I'd say if you can do it then go for it.

I took 9 months on SMP and my husband then took 3 months but his company offer 6 months full pay so he received full pay for these 3 months which was great (as I'd have received £0).
Best thing we did as his bond with DD is great, it allowed me to slot get back into work ( used some AL so we could have some time off together then went back part time so we had several days a week together). It meant he got an insight into full time care for DD. It also gave him some time for a bit of a change from work / he got to see his mum a bit more etc.

We've just had another baby and will be doing it again. I'd say if you can do it then go for it.

Worked out great for us. I had 10 months off (although it was actually more like 11 with accrued annual leave added on at the end) and DH took 2 months off. We had my final month off together (which was great as DS DID NOT SLEEP at that point 😂) and then he was off for a further month when I went back to work. It was tight financially, as month 10 I didn’t have any income (SMP ran for months 6-9 for me) and DH obviously wasn’t paid months 11 and 12 (I got paid annual leave in month 11 and my salary in month 12) but it was so worth it. DH loved being out with DS, despite there still being some covid restrictions around (this was 2 years ago). I was very much ready to go back to work by 11 months and will probably go back at a similar time or sooner with next baby.

I don’t think your assumptions around pay are correct though. I suspect whoever takes the first 6 months off will be entitled to their maternity/paternity package, but then after that it’ll be SMP, no matter who is off.

@Codlingmoths

Not quite so beautiful then?

I breastfed both of mine for 18 months and went back after 6 months! It was fine!

@Botw1 who says that we have a 'default' or 'primary' parent?

We are both parents. The kids will come to either of us. We have time alone and together with the kids. I don't have to parent his parenting. I don't plan for the stuff he does alone with the kids.

As my children are now school age it's only 3 hours a day when daddy isn't available for them to go to.

@Twizbe

I don't think it's possible to have a sahp and a full time working parent and for the sahp not to be the pcg. Kind of begs the question of what the point in being a sahp is if youre not but well done you if you've managed it

We did and it was fantastic. We didn’t have anything as generous as your leave entitlements but we saved up as we both believed it was important. We also used annual leave and Christmas helped as we both get 2w off at Christmas. We did it like this:
Month 1 - both off
Months 2-4 me off
Month 5 - both off
Month 6 - me off
Month 7 - both off
Month 8-11 husband off
Month 12 - both off (last two weeks were used to settle in at nursery so we got a couple of lunches out on our own!)

We both earn similar wages and the same level of job in terms of hours. We share the household work/mental load/nursery drop offs 50:50. We’ve both experienced being in sole charge of our child whilst the other works and everything that entails. It’s really strengthened our relationship.

Highly recommend, especially as you can a year plus off fully paid! Don’t forget the KIT days too, you can get loads from Mat leave and parental leave combined. I really recommend taking it in chunks and both having a bit of time all together as a family at different developmental ages, we had some lovely holidays!

I'm not doing SPL because I just don't want to. I have to go through the hell of pregnancy and childbirth, why shouldn't I have the leave with my baby? Maternity leave isn't a walk in the park I know, but it's not self-indulgent for the woman to use all the leave if she wants to. I have every confidence my DH will be an equal parent nonetheless.

@BurbageBrook

Doyoy not think your dh also deserves some time off with his baby?

If not, why not?

I have 5 children and shared leave is something a lot of colleagues have done in me and my husband’s workplace (we work together). But I just could never lose the extra time with our babies. I’ve always felt I needed all the time I had with them and it’s always felt too soon to go back even at the one year mark.

However, I have known some mums to be desperate to get back as they missed the adult interaction and routine work offers.

I’ll add though- my husband always takes one month paternity leave and 2 weeks annual leave when baby arrives. Then 2 weeks annual leave, 2 weeks parental leave when I’m due back at work. That lets me have lots of time to get any training etc I need out the road when I first go back without us juggling so much with childcare (we do opposite shifts for childcare rather than paying for it). Our work offers 4 weeks fully paid parental leave, per child that we can use any time before they are 14. You should look into this sort of leave incase it’s an option.

@Botw1 I'm going to be going through the pain of pregnancy, breastfeeding, carrying our child for 9 months, so yeah I think I deserve the leave more than him, actually! It'll probably take a month to physically recover at a minimum, then you've got the fourth trimester and the constant feeding, so I'm sure it will only be the second half of the 9 or 10 months maternity leave where I'm actually able to really relax and enjoy it! He is happy for me to take it. My job, as a bonus, is one of those where it's easier for them to get cover for me for an extended period of time than just for a few months -- we need cover, but people wouldn't apply for the maternity contract if it was just a few months. I'm unusual in my work in just taking 9-10 months, most women I know have taken the full year!