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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give her place to someone else

82 replies

samsosn · 14/02/2023 16:39

I am a bridesmaid at my friends wedding, along with 3 others. Somehow I've ended up being the designated hen do arranger. I've come up with a plan, have created a WhatsApp group and asked the bride who she would like inviting.

I messaged the group and told them what the plan was, how much it would be each, and the deposit per person. They all came back saying everything was fine. The hotel asked for the deposit by the end of that week so I asked everyone to transfer me the money before then. I then paid the deposit. I realised that I'd ended up covering one of the women coming (I've never met her) as she hadn't paid the deposit when I asked.

It has now been 3 weeks and I have sent at least 4 messages asking this person to transfer me their deposit. She keeps saying sorry she's been super busy and she will do, but then she never does.

This week another woman who couldn't originally come has now said she can. Rather than contact the hotel and ask them to book her on, I feel like putting in the group chat that this person will be replacing the person who hasn't yet paid.

Would I be unreasonable to do this? I don't even know the woman who hasn't paid me and I can't keep sending her messages asking!

OP posts:
Cosyblankets · 14/02/2023 19:33

Hi CF I'm assuming you can no longer go as I've not heard from you. Jane is able to take up your place so that's fine. If you decide later that you can go I can give you the booking reference and you can pay your money direct to the venue.

bevelino · 14/02/2023 19:40

It takes less than 5 minutes to do an online bank transfer and there is no excuse for being chased with multiple messages.OP, do what @Cosyblankets has suggested.

TrudyProud · 14/02/2023 19:40

As someone who has organised my fair few hen dos and girl's weekends my suggestion @samsosn would be to use the main WhatsApp chat and leave a general message "thanks to those of you that have already transferred your deposit. There are still some deposit payments outstanding - if you haven't yet transferred please do so this afternoon. If you can't I'll have to pass your spot to someone else. Sorry if this feels fast but I've been out of pocket for 4 weeks. So excited to celebrate X and see everyone ".

Keeping it general doesn't "out" her but makes it clear to everyone the situation. Nobody can blame you.

Original poster
samsosn · 14/02/2023 19:42

@TrudyProud that's a great idea and I would have done that except there are only 8 of us going and everyone else messaged in the group chat when they had transferred their deposit so everyone knows it's just this one person who hasn't paid!

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 14/02/2023 19:42

Pick up the phone and speak with her rather than communicating by text/WhatsApp

Original poster
samsosn · 14/02/2023 19:42

@ZekeZeke I've never met her and have no idea who she is!

OP posts:
neverbeenskiing · 14/02/2023 19:43

Hi CF, as you know Friend is now able to come so what I'll do is transfer the place I originally paid for in your name to hers and then when you're ready you can send over the deposit money and I'll add you onto the booking, that way there's no pressure and I can get off your back!

This, but replace "deposit money" with full balance so there's no need for more chasing and stress down the line. BUT do this privately, not in the group chat so she can back out if she needs to without losing face. It may be that she just doesn't have the money but didn't feel able to say so in the group chat.

Emmamoo89 · 14/02/2023 19:44

YANBU X

Whataretheodds · 14/02/2023 19:46

anxiouspeabrain · 14/02/2023 16:53

Hi CF, as you know Friend is now able to come so what I'll do is transfer the place I originally paid for in your name to hers and then when you're ready you can send over the deposit money and I'll add you onto the booking, that way there's no pressure and I can get off your back!

Do this

entirelyesspresso · 14/02/2023 19:53

'Hi, just checking you are still attending as you haven't sent the deposit yet. There's someone else who would like to come and ready to pay a deposit immediately, I didn't want to give your place away without contacting you first though. I've been out of pocket for 4 weeks now I'm sure you'll appreciate that I need to be reimbursed. Any chance you could deposit the amount by tomorrow evening as I've promised I'd let the other person know if she has a place by then? I hope this is ok - please do let me know. Many thanks x'

(Goodness gracious I am long winded! I just think very short messages come off as a bit abrupt)

ZekeZeke · 14/02/2023 19:57

samsosn · 14/02/2023 19:42

@ZekeZeke I've never met her and have no idea who she is!

You have her phone number and have been communicating. One call will sort this.

Zosime · 14/02/2023 20:20

Any chance you could deposit the amount by tomorrow evening as I've promised I'd let the other person know if she has a place by then? I hope this is ok - please do let me know.

But if she doesn't deposit the money and doesn't let OP know, OP is no further forward.

Soakitup37 · 14/02/2023 20:24

NoGoodUsernamee · 14/02/2023 19:23

I think £200+ for a hen do is massively taking the piss out of people but I suppose that’s irrelevant.

Depends what’s included surely? An afternoon cocktail making ? Yes

Overnight stay? Travel/event/booking for a show? A meal? £200 ime is good value with a mix of the above.

Minikievs · 14/02/2023 20:33

NoGoodUsernamee · 14/02/2023 19:23

I think £200+ for a hen do is massively taking the piss out of people but I suppose that’s irrelevant.

But the time for CF to say this, and to say she can't afford it, was when people were confirming their attendance.
She said she'd come. It's beyond rude to now back out when OP has paid the deposit on her behalf.
If she wasn't happy to pay, she should've said no at the start.

Original poster
samsosn · 14/02/2023 20:34

@NoGoodUsernamee It's for an overnight stay, spa, treatment, dinner and evening entertainment.

I did check with everyone if they'd be happy to pay this before confirming with the hotel and they all said yes!

OP posts:
Dinkeigh · 14/02/2023 20:37

Just tell her you need it tonight or you have to give the place up as you've been left short. She could be struggling and doesn't want to say (no excuse I know, she should just be honest)

ICouldHaveCheckedFirst · 14/02/2023 22:39

Leave the 'other' Hen out of the message. It doesn't matter that someone else can take her place. All she needs to know is she pays asap or she loses her place. The end.

new2mn · 15/02/2023 06:36

ICouldHaveCheckedFirst · 14/02/2023 22:39

Leave the 'other' Hen out of the message. It doesn't matter that someone else can take her place. All she needs to know is she pays asap or she loses her place. The end.

Why though? It sounds like she's been dragging the matter because she no longer can/wants to participate, but can't say (especially in the group chat in front of everyone) "sorry I'm out" as OP will be out of pocket. Now there's a good solution that may bring her relief, problem solved and case closed. Of course if you want to punish her or teach a lesson thats another matter but I wouldn't bother as she's not even my own friend.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 15/02/2023 09:12

She might be grateful if you say there is so someone else waiting in the wings. If she's short of cash but doesn't want to say so because she knows you've paid and she owes it anyway...

hazelmurf · 15/02/2023 19:24

I would tell her that she no longer has a place through you due to none payment , if she still wants to join in she can book the hotel directly.

Grrrrdarling · 15/02/2023 19:29

samsosn · 14/02/2023 16:39

I am a bridesmaid at my friends wedding, along with 3 others. Somehow I've ended up being the designated hen do arranger. I've come up with a plan, have created a WhatsApp group and asked the bride who she would like inviting.

I messaged the group and told them what the plan was, how much it would be each, and the deposit per person. They all came back saying everything was fine. The hotel asked for the deposit by the end of that week so I asked everyone to transfer me the money before then. I then paid the deposit. I realised that I'd ended up covering one of the women coming (I've never met her) as she hadn't paid the deposit when I asked.

It has now been 3 weeks and I have sent at least 4 messages asking this person to transfer me their deposit. She keeps saying sorry she's been super busy and she will do, but then she never does.

This week another woman who couldn't originally come has now said she can. Rather than contact the hotel and ask them to book her on, I feel like putting in the group chat that this person will be replacing the person who hasn't yet paid.

Would I be unreasonable to do this? I don't even know the woman who hasn't paid me and I can't keep sending her messages asking!

24hrs notice for full payment then the place goes to someone else.
I wouldn’t even tell them someone else wants the place either.
With mobile banking & payments taking minutes there is no excuse anymore for that person to have not paid other than they are not wanting to pay, they will drop out last minute or pure ignorance!

Beautiful3 · 15/02/2023 19:30

Yes, this is a great idea.

EthelMcUnready · 15/02/2023 19:39

anxiouspeabrain · 14/02/2023 16:53

Hi CF, as you know Friend is now able to come so what I'll do is transfer the place I originally paid for in your name to hers and then when you're ready you can send over the deposit money and I'll add you onto the booking, that way there's no pressure and I can get off your back!

Brilliant ☺️

Roundabout78 · 15/02/2023 19:40

I’d message and say “Hen, you still haven’t paid. Sorry but if you haven’t paid by the end of the day I’ll assume you’re not coming and give your place away.” Then no further messages, just do. She’s had enough chances!

Selfish4areason · 15/02/2023 19:44

Brilliant choice of words. OP let us know what happens!!!