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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give her place to someone else

82 replies

samsosn · 14/02/2023 16:39

I am a bridesmaid at my friends wedding, along with 3 others. Somehow I've ended up being the designated hen do arranger. I've come up with a plan, have created a WhatsApp group and asked the bride who she would like inviting.

I messaged the group and told them what the plan was, how much it would be each, and the deposit per person. They all came back saying everything was fine. The hotel asked for the deposit by the end of that week so I asked everyone to transfer me the money before then. I then paid the deposit. I realised that I'd ended up covering one of the women coming (I've never met her) as she hadn't paid the deposit when I asked.

It has now been 3 weeks and I have sent at least 4 messages asking this person to transfer me their deposit. She keeps saying sorry she's been super busy and she will do, but then she never does.

This week another woman who couldn't originally come has now said she can. Rather than contact the hotel and ask them to book her on, I feel like putting in the group chat that this person will be replacing the person who hasn't yet paid.

Would I be unreasonable to do this? I don't even know the woman who hasn't paid me and I can't keep sending her messages asking!

OP posts:
new2mn · 14/02/2023 17:55

SummerInSun · 14/02/2023 17:32

This is also a good option.

Show quote history

I definitely wouldn't reference that as she hasn't so far, and might be worried I mention her lack of funds to the group etc... The other message was good, short and sweet.

Januaryisthelongestyear · 14/02/2023 18:06

I also agree that you'll need to get her to pay the full amount now if she wants to keep this place or you WILL be paying for her.

TheSnowyOwl · 14/02/2023 18:09

I would let this woman join the group and remove the other one but say to her if she changes her mind and does go ahead and pays the venue direct, to let you know and you’ll put her back in the group. (Get your money from the new person first though).

Rowthe · 14/02/2023 18:12

samsosn · 14/02/2023 17:00

@44PumpLane That's exactly what my worry is - the balance is over £200 so I wouldn't be able to just write that off if she didn't pay!

She needs to pay the full balance if she wants to come.

And if she doesnt she is off the list

autienotnaughty · 14/02/2023 18:12

I would message and say "hi not recieved deposit. Il need by tomorrow otherwise il need to cancel your place. Let me know either way. Thanks"

Original poster
samsosn · 14/02/2023 18:16

Some great suggestions, thank you.

Would you suggest I message her privately or in the main group? Every time so far has been in the main group chat.

OP posts:
NellietheElephantpackedhertrunks · 14/02/2023 18:18

samsosn · 14/02/2023 18:16

Some great suggestions, thank you.

Would you suggest I message her privately or in the main group? Every time so far has been in the main group chat.

Definitely privately. Then get her either to make her own arrangements with the hotel or to transfer you the whole balance to be added on (just say the hotel now require full payment rather than deposits only).

EyesOnThePies · 14/02/2023 18:31

Hi, as there is now a waiting list for places I have released your booking for someone else, as you haven’t secured with the deposit. If you transfer your deposit I’ll add a new booking for you, if still available! Hope that’s OK, just trying to get as many people together but can’t cash flow deposits any longer. let me know asap. Xxx

Tinkerbyebye · 14/02/2023 18:47

Iwould send a message via the whatsapp so everyone knows she has not paid giving her 24 hours to pay, otherwise the space will go to someone else. Are they then going to pay the rest of the bill themselves direct?

MajorCarolDanvers · 14/02/2023 18:47

QuertyGirl · 14/02/2023 16:40

Message the original guest and say that she pays within 24hr or you're giving it to other guest.

Sugar coat it a bit, obviously.

This.

Give the original guest one last chance.

Ultraninja · 14/02/2023 18:48

Blimey don't make a meal out of it as some are suggested.
Simple email - Hi X, Y is now going to join the hen. As you haven't confirmed with a deposit yet I'm going to book her in. Here are the details of the hotel, plenty of availability at the moment. I think the easiest thing will be for you to book your room direct.

MajorCarolDanvers · 14/02/2023 18:51

samsosn · 14/02/2023 18:16

Some great suggestions, thank you.

Would you suggest I message her privately or in the main group? Every time so far has been in the main group chat.

Privately.

There's no need for public humiliation

blippyissilly · 14/02/2023 18:55

You've asked her four times!!

After the second time and no payment that would have been it for me

Kick her out

ThisIsWednesday · 14/02/2023 18:56

samsosn · 14/02/2023 18:16

Some great suggestions, thank you.

Would you suggest I message her privately or in the main group? Every time so far has been in the main group chat.

I know people are saying privately but I actually wouldn't. All the requests have been on main chat, right? So they all know you're chasing. If you give her space away, as far as the other bridesmaids are concerned, the lady is paying up. She's said so. You're being mean by giving her spot away.

Now if you had been chasing in private then you keep it there. You don't need to embarrass her but I would perhaps let her know that other friend is taking the space and if CFer sends you the payment you will happily make the booking. Keep it light and simple.

AllWorkYoPlait · 14/02/2023 18:59

Has the last minute attendee actually paid? If so, definitely swap them out.

Sounds like a complete ball ache.

N1Co · 14/02/2023 19:06

Ultraninja · 14/02/2023 18:48

Blimey don't make a meal out of it as some are suggested.
Simple email - Hi X, Y is now going to join the hen. As you haven't confirmed with a deposit yet I'm going to book her in. Here are the details of the hotel, plenty of availability at the moment. I think the easiest thing will be for you to book your room direct.

This.

WashAsDelicates · 14/02/2023 19:11

samsosn · 14/02/2023 18:16

Some great suggestions, thank you.

Would you suggest I message her privately or in the main group? Every time so far has been in the main group chat.

Then continue in the main chat. Continue being completely open about it. You're not humiliating her. You have been entirely reasonable so far. For all you know she cannot afford it, and you are giving her a discreet way to back out.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 14/02/2023 19:17

I'd PM her,

Hi Suzie, Mary has just paid her deposit (she wasn't originally coming) so I'm all up to date with deposits currently so no pressure did you want to back out. If you still want to come send me your deposit and I'll update the booking.

NoGoodUsernamee · 14/02/2023 19:23

I think £200+ for a hen do is massively taking the piss out of people but I suppose that’s irrelevant.

purplecorkheart · 14/02/2023 19:28

Message privately. Hi X, I have been contacted by Y who wished to attend the Hen. She is happy to pay the deposit and her full share of her part of the Hen by tomorrow. As you are aware I have contacted you a number of times regarding your deposit. I appreciate you are busy as am I so I am sure you will understand that I am going to accept her offer and give her your spot. If you still wish to attend I am happy to accept the full amount by 3pm tomorrow. Otherwise on receipt of the full amount I will contact venue to see if we can add an extra person to the party. I am sure you understand. Looking forward to meeting you at the Hen or Wedding.:)

Realistically, this person is not a friend so she can't really fall out with you.

timesogin · 14/02/2023 19:29

I think with things like this which impact on who is coming it's readable to involve the bride. I had a friend like this who was rubbish at replying to messages (job meant she couldn't have her phone with her all day plus young kids and a husband working away etc plus just not that into technology) but absolutely wanted to come. My bridesmaid let me know they hadn't heard back a few times and I helped things along.
Why don't you ask the brides thoughts on why this person isn't responding? Maybe she has financial or family pressures the bride knows about etc?

timesogin · 14/02/2023 19:30

I'd also absolutely message privately. Plenty of people mute group chats!

ittakes2 · 14/02/2023 19:31

I would uncomplicated things - swap her name for the new person - text her hotel details and say if she wants to go she should liaise with them about the deposit. Your covering yourself and putting ball in your court. Plus I would message bride giving her the heads up now she has not paid so referred her to pay hotel directly incase later she tries to tell the bride it was your fault somehow.

ittakes2 · 14/02/2023 19:31

Sorry putting ball in her court!

DestinysGrandchild · 14/02/2023 19:33

Message her privately and say she's got a day to pay the whole balance or the place will be going to the other person and if she still wants to come she will have to sort the hotel herself.

I'm not sticking up for her (because 4 messages is more than enough and she should have paid you by now!!) but she might be struggling or whatever and is just going along with it in front of everyone else.