Valentines issue

[greatfrog]

AIBU

My husband and I have been together for a decade or so. Every year, valentines has become less of a thing. My husband often buys me flowers on valentines and then moans about how over priced they are and how awful the selection is. He nearly always leaves buying stuff to the last minute. I asked him not to buy me flowers on valentines around 6 years ago, reminding him that he’s never happy with the stuff available and totally overpriced. I don’t like red roses and prefer white, he knows this.

We used to have orchids and he often bought me those but when we had kids they got a bit neglected and ended up dying. I asked him not to buy me orchids, as I didn’t want them to die when we didn’t have time to look after them. I’ve made it clear that I don’t want anything for Valentine’s Day, I’m not bothered by it and our wedding anniversary is close after it. I’d rather he focussed on thoughtful words and messages.

several times since I’ve asked him not to buy orchids or flowers he has. I say thank you and acknowledge the thought. When I say thank you and try to politely remind him that I’d rather not have flowers he blows it completely out of proportion and says that I’m ungrateful and don’t see the sentiment.

Hes just come back from a last minute dash to the shops with another orchid and bunch of flowers. To be fair he’s been I’ll and hadn’t realised it was Valentine’s Day. I tried again to say thanks for the thought but made it clear that I actually find it hurtful because:

a) I don’t feel listened to and this further compounds the fact that he often doesn’t listen to me
b) it makes me feel guilty for accidentally killing the orchids
c) I feel like he doesn’t know me
d) doesn’t respect my requests

He has said I’m being totally unreasonable and ungrateful. Am I?

If it had come as a shock/ surprise revelation I’d say I would be being unreasonable but this is probably the 4th/5th time of reminding him.

I’ve made it clear I don’t want anything for valentines. And I mean really clear not Leaving it hanging with “I don’t mind” etc. Surely that’s less effort on his part?!

AIBU?

Clearly he wants to mark the day in some way. Maybe instead of a list of things you don't want, give him a list of things you actually want instead?

Tell him next year to get you chocolates and that if he gets you another fucking plant you'll assume he hates you

He wants to mark the day without actually having to think. Can you not provide a list so he can satisfy his need to celebrate and you can satisfy his need for your gratitude.

Agree what you are doing jointly. For example I asked my DH not to bother buying me flowers or a gift, so instead we went to M&S and bought the special dine for 2 meal

It's not Valentines Day until tomorrow. Plenty of time to get you something better.

I’ve tried that: chocolates, card with a nice message, key ring with kids pictures etc. Just doesn’t seem to listen! It feels like he’s determined to give me what I specifically ask him not to!

Doubt that! He’s gone to bed in a huff 😬

Orchids aren’t that hard to look after 🤷‍♀️

🤣

I understand where you are coming from but that's so sweet the fact he's been ill and made a mad dash etc but I do agree with you my husband also past few years has said overpriced flowers that die etc but he has listened when I said I don't want anything and vice versa so he hasn't got anything ! Also I buy myself little.flowers or plants when I feel like cheering myself up! If my husband was ill he wouldn't bother getting anything from any shops ...

I manage to kill mine. Special talent?

I was thinking that!! 🤣 I regularly forget mine and they have bloomed 3 times in a year!!

OP- he wants to give you something. Just let him.

Let him huff. He's a dick who isn't listening to you.

He’s been brainwashed into believing that he must give flowers on Valentines Day, preferably red roses, and this is proof of his love. He can’t “hear” what you’re saying (receive your signal) above the noise of the commercial pressure.
When things are calmer in a week or so, tell him that you don’t want to “celebrate” V Day in future and please don’t buy anything or get a card. Remind him as soon as it all appears in the shops next year and keep reminding him. If he ignores you again, be righteously angry and don’t give his arguments or temper any space to air.

Tbh they are the only plant I will have in this house as they seem to thrive on neglect 🤣

Cheeky bastard.

He tried to do something nice for you for Valentines Day and you threw it back in his face - tomorrow there will loads of posts on here from people complaining they got nothing.

I think you should have waited until Wednesday to remind him that you don't like flowers. You are very ungrateful telling him tonight.

You’re right. He is bowing to commercial pressure. However I have told him explicitly for around five years that I don’t want anything, flowers or otherwise. I’ve tried before(months, week before, night before when he usually rushes out). I’ve done the whole “I really mean it, I don’t want anything”. I’ve done the whole “just scribble a message in a piece of paper, that’s more than enough- but you don’t need to”. It’s not getting through. I actually am more upset that it’s not getting through than the flowers!

If you said to someone, please don’t buy me veal it offends me and they kept buying it for you, for five years, despite you reiterating that you really don’t want or feel comfortable having veal, does that make you the bad guy for being ungrateful?

I’ve made it clear that I really don’t want and am offended that he keeps buying the flowers when I’ve asked him not to. Does that make me ungrateful?

Does overwatering kill them? Like more than once a week? Or maybe too much mist?! Do I have a curse? 😔
#Orchidmurders

Yeah. It would piss me off too.

Throw it all straight in the bin. Every year.

Guess what I got a card and a magazine 🤣 but I don't care he went and thought about me thats what matters to me.And he made my tea bless him chips cheese and beans...Proud as punch he was and ye well let's say its nothing like my cooking but again I love he did it, and yes a day early because we have lots to do tomorrow 😀

Btw orchids are beautiful, they like warm,sun, little water

This. You need a big grandstanding gesture I’m afraid. Do it and ignore the fallout.

orchids are the only houseplant I manage to keep alive because they need pretty much nothing from you , missing point entirely, but yes watering twice a week would kill them , they don’t like sitting in a puddle of water .