Valentines issue

[greatfrog]

AIBU

My husband and I have been together for a decade or so. Every year, valentines has become less of a thing. My husband often buys me flowers on valentines and then moans about how over priced they are and how awful the selection is. He nearly always leaves buying stuff to the last minute. I asked him not to buy me flowers on valentines around 6 years ago, reminding him that he’s never happy with the stuff available and totally overpriced. I don’t like red roses and prefer white, he knows this.

We used to have orchids and he often bought me those but when we had kids they got a bit neglected and ended up dying. I asked him not to buy me orchids, as I didn’t want them to die when we didn’t have time to look after them. I’ve made it clear that I don’t want anything for Valentine’s Day, I’m not bothered by it and our wedding anniversary is close after it. I’d rather he focussed on thoughtful words and messages.

several times since I’ve asked him not to buy orchids or flowers he has. I say thank you and acknowledge the thought. When I say thank you and try to politely remind him that I’d rather not have flowers he blows it completely out of proportion and says that I’m ungrateful and don’t see the sentiment.

Hes just come back from a last minute dash to the shops with another orchid and bunch of flowers. To be fair he’s been I’ll and hadn’t realised it was Valentine’s Day. I tried again to say thanks for the thought but made it clear that I actually find it hurtful because:

a) I don’t feel listened to and this further compounds the fact that he often doesn’t listen to me
b) it makes me feel guilty for accidentally killing the orchids
c) I feel like he doesn’t know me
d) doesn’t respect my requests

He has said I’m being totally unreasonable and ungrateful. Am I?

If it had come as a shock/ surprise revelation I’d say I would be being unreasonable but this is probably the 4th/5th time of reminding him.

I’ve made it clear I don’t want anything for valentines. And I mean really clear not Leaving it hanging with “I don’t mind” etc. Surely that’s less effort on his part?!

AIBU?

I agree with this. Just say "thank you" and then place it very obviously in the bin so he can't miss it. What he's doing isn't thoughtful, it's annoying and tedious.

I feel you, ex DH used to buy me the cheapest delivery flowers from the Next Directory every fucking year and expect me to wait in for or collect the delivery somehow (worked full time in a hospital at the time so not sure how that worked), carried on for years even after I politely and then less politely asked him not to.
He also had form for asking me if I wanted something as a gift (sat nav , Pandora bracelet, kindle are memorable ones) then buying it anyway after I’d said I didn’t want one. I also kill orchids, maybe they are sensitive to suppressed rage.

I think that the issue isn't really valentines at all, it is about being listened to.

So I would wait until it isn't valentines day and then ask him to take a couple of hours to talk properly with you about something.
A calm conversation, expressing how you feel, and space to listen to each other.
Try and use other examples, rather than focus on just valentines day, or use an example of when he wants/doesn't wnat something and how would he feel if you did it.

Explain how you feel when he doesn't listen.
But also ask him genuinely what he thinks and what is going through his head.

If he is not willing to sit down and have this type of uncomfortable conversation, then I would seriously question the relationship to be honest.