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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Has significant bereavement changed what you want from your life?

41 replies

fourikeachairs · 13/02/2023 19:39

Not sure I've worded that correctly, but will try to explain what I'm feeling. I feel like bereavement has rocked my ability to make decisions, from very small to large?

Sounds ridiculous, but I can't even decide properly about what I want to have for lunch for example. I "know" that I like something, but feel no enjoyment eating it. I'm still eating because otherwise I feel unwell after too many hours, it's not about not eating...It's like I have lost the ability to enjoy things despite this "knowing" what my likes and dislikes are? Same with just trying to choose something to watch on Netflix, and trying to decide what fitness class to go to. I sort of feel I "know" what I like but then don't actually feel anything?

When I think of much bigger life goals and things I want to do it is like all the colour has been drained out of them. Logically they are things I care about, but I don't feel it.

Ugh I'm not doing well explaining it. But essentially, this flat neutral feeling about everything, is this depression or is a recent bereavement similar to depression in this way?

I have been under severe stress for months on the run up to the bereavement, could this have something to do with it?

Admittedly I had a couple of drinks at the weekend and ended up really enjoying the film I chose to watch. Like my old self would have. What does that mean, then? I never need alcohol to enjoy a film! I didn't forget my loved one had died so it wasn't about forgetting my pain, if anything I was really sad afterwards I couldn't watch it with them. But I did enjoy the film for those couple of hours. However I don't feel the urge to drink more than I usually would, because I don't like how it makes me feel physically if I overdo it.

Is this grief or red flag for depression?

OP posts:

Bobbybobbins · 13/02/2023 19:42

I think it is grief and possibly depression - try not to out pressure on yourself but try to do things you enjoy. There is no right it wrong way to behave. It will get easier but it's always with you. I felt exactly the same- flat, struggled to make decisions or enjoy anything. Just starting to feel a little better.

Sapphire387 · 13/02/2023 19:43

How long ago was the bereavement? This sounds 'normal' to me if it hasn't been long.

CallMeDaphne · 13/02/2023 19:44

How were you bereaved?

Mugparrot · 13/02/2023 19:47

I flit between being super independent and determined to show the world and myself I've got this, to weeks when I do nothing at all.

I'm finding work most difficult. Things that time would previously have stressed over just don't matter any more, which sounds like it should be a good thing, but it's hard to do a job you don't care about.

I'm slowly learning to enjoy the good days and forgive myself for the bad ones.

Slackbladder22 · 13/02/2023 19:50

I think time is vital in the process. I’m 2 and a half years on from mine and just now starting to feel real genuine happiness again. If you’re still in the early stages then just give yourself a break and allow yourself to feel how you feel. If it’s still the same years later then you might have a deeper issue. Have you had any counselling? It worked wonders for me

bloodywhitecat · 13/02/2023 19:54

I had a significant bereavement a year ago this month, I feel like you do. Life is grey. I try to find something in every day that is beautiful, today it was a couple of crocuses on a walk, I smile every day but inside I feel dead. I don't think I am depressed, I am just sad.

FourAndTwentyBlackbirdsBakedInAPie · 13/02/2023 19:54

Yes, after my first child died I just didn't see the point. I did what I had to, but having any fun, or laughing, or enjoying anything just felt so pointless. I was probably like that for 2-3 years.

Boredof2020 · 13/02/2023 19:56

I lost my husband unexpectedly 4 months ago. I feel like you do. And I also can't make decisions.

Appleskypietoday · 13/02/2023 19:58

When my dd died I gave up my career to spend time with my other children.
My dad died recently and it was awful. I’m just incredibly pleased I spent so much time with him.

Findyourneutralspace · 13/02/2023 19:59

Every bereavement is different, but sometimes the circumstances can really throw you. I had an unexpected and shocking bereavement at 18 and I don’t actually remember the year after.
I’ve had other bereavements which haven’t affected me the same but as I say, they are all different. Sorry to hear you are struggling 💐

Areyouactuallyserious · 13/02/2023 20:00

It sounds like grief. I think
especially if it’s the first major bereavement you’ve experienced. I remember thinking that same thing about colour draining out of your world, tectonic plates shifting in your understanding of the experience of life, will take a while.

MrsRosieBrew · 13/02/2023 20:02

It’s normal. I went from being depressed but it was in retrospect a kind of manic depression, I think. I think I was all over the place. It was like distress that I couldn’t calm. That’s the only was I can describe it. Then eventually, after a few years, I felt contentment. Only in the last couple of years have I felt joy. The things that soothed me the most were hobbies. Sewing and exercise.

Youhaveyourhandsfull · 13/02/2023 20:02

I wouldn’t say it’s changed what I want. But it’s made me look at things differently.
Im a month in from a very close friend committing suicide. I’ve never been to a funeral of a ‘young’ person before. Just grandparents.

Ive realized I’ve just assumed things my whole life, that people will still be there. People don’t die now, they die in 50 or 60 years. When they have had their time.

But you can’t assume that at all can you? So I’ve tried not putting stuff off. Getting in touch with people I’ve drifted from, asking how people are really feeling. It’s a horrible nagging feeling.

MrsMitford3 · 13/02/2023 20:09

My DH died after a long battle with leukaemia (many, many years ago now) but I can so clearly remember driving home from work about 6 months later and it was in the build up to Christmas and as I drove I could see happy families in houses and I felt like I was looking at them like they were on the telly-that I was behind a glass and it had nothing to do with me and didn't touch me-I felt that way about everything.

It felt that I was completely detached and not participating in anything. In hindsight some of that is misplaced guilt that if I enjoyed anything it was disloyal to him/his memory.

I understand what you mean about making decisions and I was so apathetic and unsettled. Be kind to yourself.
Some days will be easier than others and some decisions easier.

All I can say is that it will get better in time

Badger1970 · 13/02/2023 20:10

My Dad just over 2 weeks ago and I can't believe how physically unwell I feel as well as drained and flat. He was ill (liver cancer) for 6 months before he died, his death was only peaceful and calm in the last 36 hours and the whole time was like standing on the edge of a cliff. Life feels bewildering, everything is too complex to even try to understand.

Right now, I'm just focusing on literally putting one foot in front of another.

BungleandGeorge · 13/02/2023 20:10

It’s normal. I’d describe it like a brain fog, it’s because your brain is trying so hard to process the loss of someone very close to you. If it’s not improved after 6 months it’s termed complicated grief and would then look at depression etc. have you tried bereavement counselling? If you’re worried about your safety get help asap though

LadySeafish · 13/02/2023 20:11

Yes, when I lost Mum last year. 3 months from diagnosis and she was gone. Her last two days so fast we only had two nurse housecalls, the rest was on me and some family guidance, and I cared for her as she deteriorated so fast, and died with me and dad with her.

It's had a profound effect on me.

The first was a breakdown after holding it all together with a background of work stress too.

Another the loss of Mum and one of my best friends who I spoke to daily.

Positively the improved relationship with my brother and daily communication with Dad, and I'm much closer to Dad now.

The final one was seeing death. Understanding it actually happens and when it does. Poof, we are gone, leaving only memories and any impact we made.

I've made one big decision which is to leave the stress of work, a narcissistic boss and do something else.

If my husband would allow me, I'd have sold up and run away to somewhere else too. He thinks that's the stress talking and I need to get well again. I think he's wrong, but I would if I'm still ill. This bits still very confusing.

I'm rambling but grief and experiencing it affects many of us greatly. It's normal

grosslyunfair · 13/02/2023 20:12

I lost my mum very suddenly nearly three months ago. I've struggled with big decisions and focus but it's patchy. Some days are relatively fine and others I can barely decide what show to watch. Lots of things seem quite pointless and work in particular I could not give two shiny shits about. I've been lucky and have reduced hours at work and I can just about pretend to care enough to function- but when I start doing it I get quite engaged, just very impatient with other people's drama!

I have some big life decisions to make- some were in train before the bereavement- and I've paused them- was selling and buying house and I've sold but pulled out of my purchase to rent for a bit and think about what to do next.

So it sounds normal bereavement to me. I'm sorry for your loss

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 13/02/2023 20:15

Yes both short and long term.

Short term I like you just didn't have the headspace for making decisions, so I just kind of floated along for a while until that settled down.

Long term I think take more risks with things like work and life decisions. Not dangerous risks, it's more that before I lost my parents little things felt like more of a big deal, you know how you hear teenagers say 'it's the worst thing that's ever happened to me' and you think 'you lucky little devil, if that's really the worst things that's ever happened to you'. Now I know I can cope with more so little risks and little losses seem inconsequential.

pheonixrebirth · 13/02/2023 20:26

I read once that the closest thing to depression is grief and that grief mimics the symptoms of depression.
I lost my Mum suddenly and I can only look back now and realise that it is trauma!
It was at times completely overwhelming and left me drained, physically and emotionally.

Grief is a trauma to your entire self, body and soul. Do not underestimate its effects and the time you need to heal.
You are trying to relearn how to live again without that person and it is a very painful and lengthy process.

The new normal is alien to you but as with all things it just becomes normal.

You will laugh again with or without a tipple, that I can promise you.
Take care of yourself and know that you're doing the best you can, one step at a time.

AngelinaFibres · 13/02/2023 20:33

Google "grief brain". Its part of the process of grieving. When my father died from Parkinsons it was initially a relief. He had a long drawn out, dreadful death. I thought I was doing really well and coping fabulously. Then I realised that I had totally forgotten to MOT my car. It was 4 MONTHS overdue and so my insurance was also invalid. I was horrified. I thought I was doing so well . I would never normally have forgotten something as huge as that. I felt like I was wading through custard sometimes and the simplest thing was massive.

tresleches · 13/02/2023 20:40

Yes, I spent probably 2.5 years like this, with overlapping bereavements. It's partly shock at the beginning, partly reduced capacity to think, partly not caring about a lot of things anymore, but also that grief is just a constant drain of energy.

FelicityFlops · 13/02/2023 20:41

My husband killed himself in December 2003.
My best friend died of cancer in 2012.
One parent died in 2017 and the other in 2019.
Between all these dates, other people have died.
This is how normal life is. You are born, you live, you die.

Euchariahere · 13/02/2023 20:42

Sounds like depression

Hoolihan · 13/02/2023 20:45

When my sister died I felt like the world turned to ash. Everything was grey and my future felt pointless. I remember thinking about winning the lottery and how utterly meaningless it would be. I couldn't think straight either.

I don't feel like that anymore but I'm not sure when I started to feel better. Maybe after the first year. I'm so sorry for your loss and everyone on this thread.

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