Has significant bereavement changed what you want from your life?

[fourikeachairs]

Not sure I've worded that correctly, but will try to explain what I'm feeling. I feel like bereavement has rocked my ability to make decisions, from very small to large?

Sounds ridiculous, but I can't even decide properly about what I want to have for lunch for example. I "know" that I like something, but feel no enjoyment eating it. I'm still eating because otherwise I feel unwell after too many hours, it's not about not eating...It's like I have lost the ability to enjoy things despite this "knowing" what my likes and dislikes are? Same with just trying to choose something to watch on Netflix, and trying to decide what fitness class to go to. I sort of feel I "know" what I like but then don't actually feel anything?

When I think of much bigger life goals and things I want to do it is like all the colour has been drained out of them. Logically they are things I care about, but I don't feel it.

Ugh I'm not doing well explaining it. But essentially, this flat neutral feeling about everything, is this depression or is a recent bereavement similar to depression in this way?

I have been under severe stress for months on the run up to the bereavement, could this have something to do with it?

Admittedly I had a couple of drinks at the weekend and ended up really enjoying the film I chose to watch. Like my old self would have. What does that mean, then? I never need alcohol to enjoy a film! I didn't forget my loved one had died so it wasn't about forgetting my pain, if anything I was really sad afterwards I couldn't watch it with them. But I did enjoy the film for those couple of hours. However I don't feel the urge to drink more than I usually would, because I don't like how it makes me feel physically if I overdo it.

Is this grief or red flag for depression?

It’s grief. I couldn’t read, watch TV, everything seemed trivial and pointless.

My mum died very suddenly and unexpectedly (2.5 years ago now) and it's changed me from my very core.

I think the sudden nature of death us a major part of it. I'm a completely different and changed person now.

That's not to say life is terrible or that I've not had positive and even happy moments (I've had plenty) but I carry a darkness now, I carry pain and I carry true sadness. It wasn't there before. 😕

The reduced capacity to think a PP said is so true. My husband’s eldest passes away 3 years ago, I think he’s only just starting to see the world in colour again. We got a dog, that helped, she loves him and he has to care for her.

there are stages to grief but no real timeline for them and you might ski0 some and revisit others and jus5 get stuck somewhere. You have to try to be kind to yourself, no matter how hard that is. But that will take time too.

@FelicityFlops not sure you needed to be so cold about it.

The OP didn't ask if people die, she asked if this is grief or depression.

Even so, sorry for your losses.

Sounds like normal grief OP. Gets better with time.

Yes this. My dad died at 54 and my mum then killed in a car accident at 69 caused by her new partner of a few years.
I would bitterness to these feelings. And resentment. Particularly of PIL who can't help being in their mid 80's and still going.

I lost both my parents two weeks apart in January 2021. They were 72 and 68, both having short illnesses.
I will never be the same and still can’t believe they are gone. The sadness is always there. To people on the outside I’m back to normal but I don’t think that I ever will be.

for all those struggling with their losses

I lost a parent late last year. I feel like I have lost who I am, I can't make simple decisions but have also made some major / rash decisions which I may come to regret but don't really care.

A friend said "it is like we have all joined the shittest club there is that nobody wants to be a member of and once you join, you can't unjoin"

When my df died I couldn't concentrate or fully engage for about six months. I also had lots of minor physical illnesses.

My Dad died suddenly and fairly traumatically last year and I really empathise with how you feel.

I still can’t listen to music. I rarely manage to watch TV. I struggle to concentrate at work. I completely neglected my life admin for months and am consequently am now juggling debts.

Like another poster said, it rocked me to my core. I’ve heard other people on here say ‘My mum died and I went back to work two days later and got on with it’ and that is so far from how I feel.

Be kind to yourself, grief if incredibly hard and can have a huge impact on your every day.

I lost my soulmate in 2016.
I can be happy now. But everything I feel is something which I am telling him about. I speak to him constantly. I know he'd be happy with the things that make me happy.

What I find truly hard is worrying that I will ever lose again. I just can't. I know it. It will kill me. I can't have new grief.
This is what has changed me. I now have an utter non-acceptance of loss.

I lost my brother many years ago and watching him die was the worst time of my life. Yet profoundly different from my more recent loss.
I selfishly now refuse to do it again. I will just die too. That is it.

I'm so sorry you are grieving.
I'm so sorry for everyone on this thread. My heart aches for you all.

When I was in deep grief it was like Life was a river and I was on the bank watching it pass. Totally disconnected from it.

I think it took around 3 years before I realised I had reconnected without noticing.

We lost my mum. She went very suddenly and unexpectedly and I was with her. I’m not sure if it’s the shock of seeing her pass or the actual heartbreaking loss of my lovely, vivacious, fun loving mum but I’m still barely functioning. She was just so full of life and it feels such a waste.

We lost my ddad suddenly many years ago and I always felt almost invincible after that because the worst had happened and we got through it. But somehow this feels so much more difficult. As I said to dh, we of all people know this sort of thing happens, it’s happened to us before so why is it so much harder this time? I’m older and wiser and I really should be able to cope.

I’m so very sorry for everyone who has lost someone

I just felt like the little things didn't matter any more. Nothing was important other than my loss

My best friend took his own life (in a brutal way) in 2019 and only now am I finding myself feeling some sort of contentment and happiness in life. That could be because of the anti depressants I finally went on. But I will never be the same again and I will never truly get over it. I miss him every day.

I think what you're feeling is normal, but it doesn't make it any easier. 💐for everyone on this thread.

all the colour has been drained out

I think you’ve articulated it really well OP.

My own experience is that gradually, the colours return, although the picture may be different.