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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider this set up

31 replies

Wheredothesocksgo · 13/02/2023 14:22

DH and I married just pre covid, together much longer, teenage ds mine, 5yr old ours.

Marriage hasn't been a good one, no violence, cheating or other serious mistreatment just joyless and sexless. DH has huge anxiety issues and I'm the sort of nutcase who thinks the world is falling apart if I can't please everyone, so living with someone who thinks everyday is shit even when it's not has chipped away at me. I'm a gaming widow so completely fed up of being ignored and he thinks I'm a miserable cow which right now, I am.

We are going to counselling to work out how to move forward, i want to end things and find a way to coparent properly and to maintain/rebuild our friendship. I think without the pressure of a relationship we'd get on so much better and we still think highly enough of each other.

For various reasons, I won't receive any UC, not in a position to buy and rents are insane. Life will be hand to mouth alone with the kids even if i went full time. If he went for 50/50 with little one i wouldnt even get any maintenance making the whole thing impossible. I couldn't survive financially even with extra jobs.

He is desperate not to split the family up but I think he's as done as I am with the marriage. Neither of us has any interest in pursuing new partners and would be happier alone.

Would it be entirely insane to consider a housemates/cohabiting/coparenting set up if we pooled our resources and rented a large house to share?

In this imaginary scenario (which he first suggested) we'd have separate bedrooms, living areas, do our own cooking, laundry etc. He'd pay the rent, I'd pay the bills and we'd split childcare with me doing probably 70% ish. We'd share celebrations and special days with the kids but day to day be pretty separate working different hours to cover the childcare.

I've seen houses large enough to manage this that we could just stretch to to trial this for a year.

Is this a ridiculous idea? Do you know anyone who's done this?

OP posts:
WatchingGreysAgain · 13/02/2023 15:29

I think it could work…

Until one of you meets someone

2crossedout1 · 13/02/2023 15:32

What happens if one of you meets someone?

RealBecca · 13/02/2023 15:35

Yabu because you are still reliant on him.

You need proper advice about what you would get on a divorce and about what you can and cant claim.

Original poster
Wheredothesocksgo · 13/02/2023 15:41

RealBecca · 13/02/2023 15:35

Yabu because you are still reliant on him.

You need proper advice about what you would get on a divorce and about what you can and cant claim.

I've already taken advice and this is the reality of the situation I'm left with unfortunately. We rent so there are no marital assets or savings to divide.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wheredothesocksgo · 13/02/2023 15:46

We would need to agree from the outset that If either of us met someone they wouldn't come to the house. In the extremely unlikely event that things progressed, then the arrangement would need to end.

OP posts:
Backstreets · 13/02/2023 15:49

Honestly, if you can do a year's trial and pack it in if it doesn't work out it might be worth a go. The only other people I heard of who did this on account of the children had neighbouring houses though (NOT a central area!), but with the cost of living being what it is it's going to be more and more difficult for people to go it alone.
It'll have to be the perfectly laid out house, though!

Daizie · 13/02/2023 17:52

Until you meet someone.

MichelleScarn · 13/02/2023 17:56

Why wouldn't you receive any benefits as a single parent? Are you a high earner?

MichelleScarn · 13/02/2023 17:57

Posted too soon! Have you checked on entitled to?

Original poster
Wheredothesocksgo · 13/02/2023 18:02

MichelleScarn · 13/02/2023 17:56

Why wouldn't you receive any benefits as a single parent? Are you a high earner?

No not a high earner, I own a small flat that I rent out. I can't sell as tenants are tied into a long contract and even if I did I'd be no better off as its nowhere near enough. It means i don't pass the eligibility criteria and wouldn't even if I sold so the only thing I've done to be sensible with money has screwed me. At least for the next 2 years at which time I could pray for a part ownership scheme to accept me.

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 13/02/2023 18:07

Wheredothesocksgo · 13/02/2023 15:41

I've already taken advice and this is the reality of the situation I'm left with unfortunately. We rent so there are no marital assets or savings to divide.

Show quote history

Surely the property you own is a marital asset? You might not want to sell it but it's an asset nevertheless.

CherLloydbyCherLloyd · 13/02/2023 18:08

Wheredothesocksgo · 13/02/2023 18:02

No not a high earner, I own a small flat that I rent out. I can't sell as tenants are tied into a long contract and even if I did I'd be no better off as its nowhere near enough. It means i don't pass the eligibility criteria and wouldn't even if I sold so the only thing I've done to be sensible with money has screwed me. At least for the next 2 years at which time I could pray for a part ownership scheme to accept me.

Show quote history

I thought you could sell a house but keep the tenants on? I presume you work? Would you be eligible for a mortgage if you managed to use the old flat as a deposit?

implantsandaDyson · 13/02/2023 18:10

I know 2 families that tried to make an idea like this work. To be honest it made the living situation worse. The woman felt she couldn't relax in the house. She didn't know when her estranged husband would be back if he went out etc. It started off with the best of intentions and turned bitter very quickly. You're not going to have 2 kitchens, the petty rows they had over the kitchen not being clean enough, the washing machine/ tumble drier not being aired etc. The resentment festered and the atmosphere became even more toxic.
How will your 5 year old choose what living area to go in if you're both home?

EsmeT · 13/02/2023 18:10

I do this and it has worked out just fine.

Original poster
Wheredothesocksgo · 13/02/2023 18:11

Unfortunately the mortgage I could get wouldn't even get me a studio flat and the kids are settled in schools, one with autism it was tough getting him into his current school who are brilliant and he's thriving there with his first ever friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wheredothesocksgo · 13/02/2023 18:12

EsmeT · 13/02/2023 18:10

I do this and it has worked out just fine.

I would love to hear more about how you manage it if you don't mind sharing

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/02/2023 18:13

My experience is that this is the worst thing in the world. Sorry.

Well not literally, many things are worse, but it’s pretty damn awful. The worst of both worlds perhaps - no love and emotional support but not freedom either.

wen4567 · 13/02/2023 18:18

I live like this and have done for a couple of years now. It works for us!

Original poster
Wheredothesocksgo · 13/02/2023 18:22

wen4567 · 13/02/2023 18:18

I live like this and have done for a couple of years now. It works for us!

Such a relief to hear others have done this and survived! He's a good man we are both just so shit at the relationship stuff.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 13/02/2023 18:22

Wheredothesocksgo · 13/02/2023 18:02

No not a high earner, I own a small flat that I rent out. I can't sell as tenants are tied into a long contract and even if I did I'd be no better off as its nowhere near enough. It means i don't pass the eligibility criteria and wouldn't even if I sold so the only thing I've done to be sensible with money has screwed me. At least for the next 2 years at which time I could pray for a part ownership scheme to accept me.

Show quote history

Where is the flat? If is local to you i thought if you needed to return to a rented flat to live in you could still serve notice, absolutely not great for the tenants but better harmony for your dc than the more difficult set up of continuing to live with your ex?

CherLloydbyCherLloyd · 13/02/2023 18:23

Wheredothesocksgo · 13/02/2023 18:11

Unfortunately the mortgage I could get wouldn't even get me a studio flat and the kids are settled in schools, one with autism it was tough getting him into his current school who are brilliant and he's thriving there with his first ever friends.

That’s unfortunate.

In your situation I’d probably still sell the flat and use the money as a deposit and towards paying rent on your own. Then, when the money runs out you’d be eligible for financial support.

Yes, it’s nice to have financial security in owning a property, but it isn’t worth living miserably for.

LeggyLinda · 13/02/2023 18:32

I think this is a fairly modern solution that will become more and more normal in years to come.
obviously, it comes with risks if you don’t remain on good terms.
I don’t know you, but it seems like you are both still amicable and practicable. There is a worry that things might get complicated if either of you start a new relationship as others have said.

But, from your OP, it does seem more like you are more suited to being good friends than being in a relationship. But, that is just my interpretation.
I think it is definitely something to try, if only for a trial period

Merryoldgoat · 13/02/2023 18:42

I suspect it could work but not with the type of people you and your husband are.

Reinventinganna · 13/02/2023 18:49

I know people that do this. From talking to both of them they get on so much better now than they did, they are more respectful of each other, they are better parents and they are both happier in themselves.
They both look happier as do their children. They’ve been living as friends/coparents for around 5 years.

Boringcookingquestion · 13/02/2023 18:49

How would that work for your older DC? Would he continue to act as a stepparent? If so it might work. If not it would be incredibly unfair and confusing for them.

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