To consider this set up

[Wheredothesocksgo]

DH and I married just pre covid, together much longer, teenage ds mine, 5yr old ours.

Marriage hasn't been a good one, no violence, cheating or other serious mistreatment just joyless and sexless. DH has huge anxiety issues and I'm the sort of nutcase who thinks the world is falling apart if I can't please everyone, so living with someone who thinks everyday is shit even when it's not has chipped away at me. I'm a gaming widow so completely fed up of being ignored and he thinks I'm a miserable cow which right now, I am.

We are going to counselling to work out how to move forward, i want to end things and find a way to coparent properly and to maintain/rebuild our friendship. I think without the pressure of a relationship we'd get on so much better and we still think highly enough of each other.

For various reasons, I won't receive any UC, not in a position to buy and rents are insane. Life will be hand to mouth alone with the kids even if i went full time. If he went for 50/50 with little one i wouldnt even get any maintenance making the whole thing impossible. I couldn't survive financially even with extra jobs.

He is desperate not to split the family up but I think he's as done as I am with the marriage. Neither of us has any interest in pursuing new partners and would be happier alone.

Would it be entirely insane to consider a housemates/cohabiting/coparenting set up if we pooled our resources and rented a large house to share?

In this imaginary scenario (which he first suggested) we'd have separate bedrooms, living areas, do our own cooking, laundry etc. He'd pay the rent, I'd pay the bills and we'd split childcare with me doing probably 70% ish. We'd share celebrations and special days with the kids but day to day be pretty separate working different hours to cover the childcare.

I've seen houses large enough to manage this that we could just stretch to to trial this for a year.

Is this a ridiculous idea? Do you know anyone who's done this?

It’s definitely worth a go! If things don’t work out you are no worst off than you would have been.

I think if neither of you are desperate to meet anyone else in the short term & pledge to be respectful to each other going forwards & basically change nothing bar the expectation to conduct an intimate relationship then I think it could work.

You say joyless & sexless suggesting you’re the one more unhappy with that aspect of your marriage than him. The only issue could be how freeing you from this expectation & becoming happier overall could make you the more likely one to down the line seek or be receptive to another partner (or just sex, or dating) sooner than him. You said neither of you would bring people back but is he likely to move on with someone new do you think? Just that while it may be easier for you to it could be difficult for him to see a confident happier you doing her own thing whilst being under the same roof. Or vice versa. I mean meeting anyone else is prob the last thing on your mind when your immediate priorities are your DC & managing financially.

But if he’s being completely honest with himself (& not saying this to salvage a relationship with you) it seems a much more evolved, amicable & sensible way to separate but co-parent & afford to live at the same time.

You could argue then that there’s no difference then to just staying in the joyless sexless marriage - where you just agree no longer to share the same room & be a couple. If finances weren’t a problem would you prefer to separate if you had the choice? Would your DH however??

Without a trial period you’ll never know - good luck 🍀

Don't agree to him paying a fixed sum and you paying the variables unless that really works for you. Basically it means he lives with you but does hardly any childcare.

I think if you found a place with a granny flat or annexe this could potentially work but the cost of a place like that would be pretty high.

sell your flat with tenants in situ and live off those funds or serve the appropriate notice and move into the flat.

Everyone's situation is different and only you know if you two would be able to pull this off. Look at it from this perspective: it's not forever and it seems like the best scenario for YOU at the moment. So why not try it and if it comes to that that is not working you will find another solution? There's always a way. Good luck with whatever you decide :)

It's unrealistic to say it would have to end if one of you have a serious relationship - too much pressure to put on a nascent relationship 'oh yeah you can come round, I just need to uproot my ex and turn their life upside down first'. It would trap you both.