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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I invited your DC , now you invite mine ?

49 replies

Highfivemum · 12/02/2023 20:15

So wondering what others think on this subject. I have 6 DC and so kept busy. I try and invite my DC friends round for play days when I can. Subject to DH work ( he sometimes is on nights ) and subject to clubs etc.
my DC who is year 3 was invited last tuesday after school to another DC house for tea. They are not close friends but have started to play together more this term. Have known the mum for a while as her DD was in same year as one of my older DC . So my DC went after school for his tea and I collected him at 5pm.
Now starting half term and she text yesterday asking what day her DC can come over this week ?

I have a week of half term activities planned with my DC and so not practical at all. Is it just me who thinks that just because your DC is invited round after school you shouldn’t have to invite them round immediately, or even at all ? I have had many a child round in the past without my Dc going round to there’s and I have never ever invited a DC also they can then get an invite back ! I have told her we are busy all week on planned activities and she has said ok that’s a shame as he was looking forward to coming over and can we get a date for week after ?
It really makes me wish my DC hadnt gone round now. My DH on nights the week after so that will not be possible and feel pushed into it.

OP posts:
Notanotherone5 · 12/02/2023 20:17

No, it shouldn’t be tit for tat, but it would be polite to invite them back. Why don’t you go back with a couple of dates that work for you? Even if it’s a few weeks away

LynneBenfield · 12/02/2023 20:18

No, it’s not mandatory but it’s good manners, imo

Cococomellonn · 12/02/2023 20:19

I agree it's a bit cheeky. I often invite my mum friends here with their DC (toddlers do we tend to get together with the children) but why don't you want to have them over? If you're busy this week then can you do the following week? Are you just annoyed because she's asked?

Cococomellonn · 12/02/2023 20:20

Sorry I did t explain that well. I often have them over but I don't expect an invite back.

Original poster
Highfivemum · 12/02/2023 20:20

Yes it is the nice thing to do but I would never contact the person just after and say what day can my DC come to you ? I just find that a bit forceful. She wanted her DC to come over half term and even put a laughing face saying they can come all day.

OP posts:
Dijoduo · 12/02/2023 20:20

I do think it’s rude to accept a play date where there’s no intention of reciprocating (especially at an age where the child is left there so essentially getting childcare). I don’t think it should have to be a tit-for-tat or perfectly matched how many times at each house and I also don’t think it should be immediately reciprocated but I do think that it will sound to the other parent that you’re unwilling to have their DC over at all given that you’ve ruled out ten days and not offered any that work for you.

It’s about give and take. You appear to be just taking in this particular interaction, whether that’s your intention or not. She doesn’t know that you do play dates with others and don’t accept to be reciprocated.

Singleandproud · 12/02/2023 20:22

She might be being a CF or I wonder if your DC mentioned to hers that he could come round in the holiday, children often make promises their adults can't keep.

Octopusmittens · 12/02/2023 20:22

Dijoduo · 12/02/2023 20:20

I do think it’s rude to accept a play date where there’s no intention of reciprocating (especially at an age where the child is left there so essentially getting childcare). I don’t think it should have to be a tit-for-tat or perfectly matched how many times at each house and I also don’t think it should be immediately reciprocated but I do think that it will sound to the other parent that you’re unwilling to have their DC over at all given that you’ve ruled out ten days and not offered any that work for you.

It’s about give and take. You appear to be just taking in this particular interaction, whether that’s your intention or not. She doesn’t know that you do play dates with others and don’t accept to be reciprocated.

What a ridiculous response, read the OP.

bossybloss · 12/02/2023 20:23

Maybe the children arranged it between themselves last time they met… but didn’t tell you. I would definitely make a date that suits you !

LoveBluey · 12/02/2023 20:23

I think she was just stuck for half term childcare and that's the only reason she invited your child after school. But if you collected at 5 she did a max of 2 hours childcare and was expecting a whole day in return! She's the CF not you.

Original poster
Highfivemum · 12/02/2023 20:24

As I said earlier. Only a quote recent buddy of my DC. So never had play dates before. It is certainly not an easier option for me to have my Dc go to their house for and hour and a half as I have to then go out again to collect them with other DC in tow. So easier option for me would be take my DC home. I am more than happy to arrange an after school play day I just struggle sometimes with DH work and other DC clubs and what child wants to sit outside ballet or football class for an hour on a play date.
I have messaged back saying can’t do week after as DH on nights so will arrange for week after that.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 12/02/2023 20:24

Wow, how cheeky. You wait for an invite, it’s not obligatory and can’t believe someone has the cheek to invite their child over like that

weltenbummler · 12/02/2023 20:25

Well that was a strategic playdate on the other mum's part: invite your child for a couple of hours after school and expect to be repaid by a full day of childcare during half term holidays...is what cynical me would think. Agree nice to reciprocate playdates...but I object to her requesting it

Hankunamatata · 12/02/2023 20:26

Perhaps her dc is really keen to see your dc again.

Original poster
Highfivemum · 12/02/2023 20:26

LoveBluey · 12/02/2023 20:23

I think she was just stuck for half term childcare and that's the only reason she invited your child after school. But if you collected at 5 she did a max of 2 hours childcare and was expecting a whole day in return! She's the CF not you.

An hour and half my Dc was there. And I am beginning to think the same thing 🤨

OP posts:
Eatentoomanyroses · 12/02/2023 20:26

Wow she’s cheeky. Yes it is nice to reciprocate but not necessary.

weltenbummler · 12/02/2023 20:27

LoveBluey · 12/02/2023 20:23

I think she was just stuck for half term childcare and that's the only reason she invited your child after school. But if you collected at 5 she did a max of 2 hours childcare and was expecting a whole day in return! She's the CF not you.

Exactly!

Dijoduo · 12/02/2023 20:28

Octopusmittens · 12/02/2023 20:22

What a ridiculous response, read the OP.

Show quote history

What a ridiculous response.

  1. I did read the OP. What makes you think I didn’t?
  2. Other PP said the same but you had no issue with them.
  3. You’ve not even said which part you believe is “ridiculous”.
Maybe you should read the OP? 😘
IcanandIwill · 12/02/2023 20:29

Oh gosh. This thread is making me feel awful. I also have 6 DC (3 with SEND) and my SEND kids don't cope well with others in the house. I do try to reciprocate play dates when I cam but it's not always straightforward or simple.

Chickenly · 12/02/2023 20:29

weltenbummler · 12/02/2023 20:27

Exactly!

Show quote history

I thought this was an option until she asked about other weeks instead.

Original poster
Highfivemum · 12/02/2023 20:30

IcanandIwill · 12/02/2023 20:29

Oh gosh. This thread is making me feel awful. I also have 6 DC (3 with SEND) and my SEND kids don't cope well with others in the house. I do try to reciprocate play dates when I cam but it's not always straightforward or simple.

Don’t feel awful. I wouldn’t think twice if you didn’t invite one of my mine back after a play date. I have a few friends who don’t ever invite back and I respect that is for whatever reason they have. It doesn’t stop me inviting their DC to mine.

OP posts:
WimpoleHat · 12/02/2023 20:32

LoveBluey · 12/02/2023 20:23

I think she was just stuck for half term childcare and that's the only reason she invited your child after school. But if you collected at 5 she did a max of 2 hours childcare and was expecting a whole day in return! She's the CF not you.

This! I’d send a message saying “I’m sure we’re all really just over half term - but will be great to have X over when we’re all back at school. I’ll be in touch with some dates that work this end and hopefully we can sort something out soon.”

You’re probably on the hook to offer an after school play date…..but not holiday childcare!

WimpoleHat · 12/02/2023 20:33

….really busy over half term. Not “really just”. God knows where that came from!

Dijoduo · 12/02/2023 20:33

WimpoleHat · 12/02/2023 20:32

This! I’d send a message saying “I’m sure we’re all really just over half term - but will be great to have X over when we’re all back at school. I’ll be in touch with some dates that work this end and hopefully we can sort something out soon.”

You’re probably on the hook to offer an after school play date…..but not holiday childcare!

Show quote history

It says in the OP that the other parent has suggested after half term and OP can’t do it then. So clearly not looking for half-term childcare.

Essexgal2023 · 12/02/2023 20:34

Yes I agree with you OP. The mother of your child’s new friend sounds pushy me and I think it’s very odd to text you that.