I invited your DC , now you invite mine ?

[Highfivemum]

So wondering what others think on this subject. I have 6 DC and so kept busy. I try and invite my DC friends round for play days when I can. Subject to DH work ( he sometimes is on nights ) and subject to clubs etc.
my DC who is year 3 was invited last tuesday after school to another DC house for tea. They are not close friends but have started to play together more this term. Have known the mum for a while as her DD was in same year as one of my older DC . So my DC went after school for his tea and I collected him at 5pm.
Now starting half term and she text yesterday asking what day her DC can come over this week ?

I have a week of half term activities planned with my DC and so not practical at all. Is it just me who thinks that just because your DC is invited round after school you shouldn’t have to invite them round immediately, or even at all ? I have had many a child round in the past without my Dc going round to there’s and I have never ever invited a DC also they can then get an invite back ! I have told her we are busy all week on planned activities and she has said ok that’s a shame as he was looking forward to coming over and can we get a date for week after ?
It really makes me wish my DC hadnt gone round now. My DH on nights the week after so that will not be possible and feel pushed into it.

Do you think its a bit of lost in translation.

Could simply be her child came home and in the playground your child had said something like - you can come to mine, or next week when you come to mine in the holiday etc.

Kids gone home, told his Mum and Mum has just dashed off a text to ask when next week?

I'd give the benefit of the doubt on this one. She may not be expecting it per se, but just had her kid say something and then she's clumsily, maybe even in a rushed way sent a message.

I'd find it hard to imagine someone could simply be that brazen! Haha.

@IcanandIwill 💐Don't feel bad!

id be happy to have your kids for play dates & reciprocation wouldn't enter my head!

I would invite the child back the first date convenient for you and she can pick him up at 5pm (there could hardly have been time to have tea!) and then draw a line under it, she is definitely being a CF here!

Why not think of it as her dc likes yours and wants to play again? Too many overthinkers on here!

She shouldn't have asked. Even if the kids had decided that the child could come round in the half term or whatever. The mums make the play dates and if you hadn't offered, then they won't be coming.

This is like pre covid!! These threads were really common!

@Highfivemum she's incredibly rude! It's not compulsory to invite a child to yours just because yours has been to theirs! People generally do, but you WAIT to be asked, you don't request a date!!!

I wouldn't want to invite her child now, but I would for the kids sake!, I'd simply text her & say you'll be in touch next term when it's convenient, then ignore.

then I'd ignore the rude cow!!

No tea was given. She said they were playing so didn’t eat.

In terms of the friendship, it shouldn’t be tit for tat.

In terms of childcare - why not? You get the afternoon off… she gets the afternoon off…?

I see mums of single children doing play dates all the time, trading childcare.

Not for me, I have a few kids. Lots of best friends, but few play dates because them taking one of my children doesn’t provide me with an afternoon off that they can claim back later.

Exactly this.

I think you should reciprocate play dates but the terms are up to the other parent. You don’t just message to try to force the issues.

I hate people being in my house. Close friends yes but it's my safe space so I can't just invite people over. I appreciate that his will have to change as he gets older but for now, no.
I do tell people this, drop it into the conversation quite casually earlier on.

I agree generally polite to reciprocate albeit not immediately necessary like here.

For those who don't mind about non-reciprocity and re-invite anyway (like the OP), how do you know that the friendship itself is reciprocal? Im in this situation at moment. MY DD has an apparently good friend who we have had over and who seems desperate to have my DD over. The mum makes all the right noises but never actually invites my DD over. I'm now unsure whether to ask the friend back in case this is not the friendship my DD thinks it is....

Thanks!

I’d go back and say

”This week doesn’t work for us, but I’ll be in touch once they’re back from half term. Would be lovely to have little X over to play for a couple of hours after nursery - little y really enjoyed coming to yours the other afternoon.”

just text back and say that half term isn't convenient, suggest an afternoon when they're back in school?

PS I don’t think it’s obligatory to invite back, so the above is if you want to.

I invite kids over here loads more than others invite my ds - but I know there are reasons why they don’t - much less space at home, parents work long hours, multiple kids of different ages at home etc

If one of DS’s friends was one of 6, I would not be expecting and invite back at all! Lovely if he was invited but no expectation from me. Once of his mates is the eldest of four, and similarly I’d have no expectation. DS is the younger of two (in my house, a little brother at his dad’s) and Dd is a teenager who makes her own arrangements, so I feel much better able to do the inviting!

Oh sorry you said year 3! I read that they were 3 and thought it was a bit odd they were having play dates at all unaccompanied. So read school, not nursery.

A breezy ‘Hi Joan, can’t manage half term week, but how does Tuesday xx date after school sound?’

YANBU.
It's nice etiquette to reciprocate play dates but she is definitely being pushy, presumptuous and taking the piss.
When it's in your home, it should be on your terms, not theirs.
Especially as you have 6 DC!
Any reasonable person would understand it might take you a while to get round to reciprocating!

Of course YANBU, and the other mother is being incredibly rude, but there are, it seems plenty on MN who agree with her

Recent thread here

Is it possible it's a clumsy way of getting company for her child/encouraging a friendship?

I'm not really understanding why you can't have the child over one afternoon this week?

Exactly this. Never invite your child to others' houses!

The only situation I'd do it is with two very close friends of mine, our daughters are mates, and it is more about asking for help with childcare. We do it for each other loads and everyone feels fine being honest if it's a no. And no one keeps tabs, so it's not a tit for tat type of thing.

Don't feel bad OP, be honest about when it would work, if it will. Everyone has different circumstances, and an invite for a play is a one off bc it works for everyone. If you decide to invite it will be bc it works for you too.

Agree with you OP it is a bit pushy to invite her child to your house. As nice as it is to reciprocate, it isn't obligatory and I would never expect an invitation to someone's house just because they came to mine. Even if I did expect an invitation, I would wait for it to happen rather than instigate it myself!

I think you could accept one ask as being proactive, though I don't think half terms a good time to ask. ....but then to follow up with a second text requesting a future date....that's pushy and would annoy me. I'd give no more info than necessary. Depending how much awkwardness hou can tolerate (text is easier), I'd say "SON never mentioned anything about wanting YOURS over. If he does I've got your number. Enjoy your half term Katie"

Thanks all for your views.
she has not replied to my message saying I will sort out something after half term. So will leave it till they go back to school. For those saying can I have the child in the school holidays the answer is no. My DH takes a week off work and we have activities planned each day. Our car is 8 seater and to be honest it is nice family time with all my lot having fun as siblings.