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AIBU?

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Original poster

She can’t calm down, is this normal?

31 replies

Missthepastyears · 12/02/2023 20:12

Dd, 4 and a half, gets very hysterical and upset if hurt. For example, in summer we went camping and she was running around the campsite and fell and cut and grazed her knees. It was the first time this happened and obviously hurt, but her reaction was what I’d think was way out of proportion, she was screaming and crying for a couple of hours and we just literally couldn’t get her to calm down, she was hysterical. She eventually stopped and fell asleep. It was such a stressful situation in a campsite with people looking at us. I’m generally a calm person, but find myself getting panicky and upset, there’s just no way to control her.
Tonight we’ve just had similar for around 30 minutes. She’d been making cards and a box she’d been playing with, with glitter today and was in bed with me cuddled up, having her bedtime stories and rubbed her eyes and completely panicked. She said she had glitter in her eye, we couldn’t see much and were trying to calm her down and gently wash it out. She’s ok and asleep now. I appreciate it may have hurt/stung, but her reaction was completely hysterical, she couldn’t stop crying and constantly screaming and shouting and just nothing worked to help her calm down. It sounded horrific and I can’t even imagine what the neighbours thought. I just don’t know how to calm her down and don’t know if this is normal/typical behaviour 😔I still feel quite upset and stressed from it and Dh and I have just argued, it’s always just so difficult
Can anyone help at all?

OP posts:
Original poster
Missthepastyears · 12/02/2023 20:17

Anyone please? Sorry to be pushy, I just don’t know if it’s normal or what to do

OP posts:
LibrariansGiveUsPower · 12/02/2023 20:19

My daughter has always been similar. Very sensitive child. I’m wondering if she is ADHD now for other reasons

Original poster
Missthepastyears · 12/02/2023 20:20

@LibrariansGiveUsPower How old is she? Was she only like this when younger? It’s just so horrible

OP posts:
Tomblibooz · 12/02/2023 20:27

Has she been like this since a baby/toddler? Hard to imagine a child getting to 4yo before grazing their knees!

How is she when things don't go her way (but she isn't hurt)?

Original poster
Missthepastyears · 12/02/2023 20:34

@Tomblibooz She’s had little cuts but was always ok, things changed around 2.5/3 upwards
She can get quite angry and upset when things don’t go her way, it depends on her mood really. We have great times and then very difficult days where she’s very intense

OP posts:
Cassy92 · 12/02/2023 20:52

Do you stay calm? Or do you get slightly shrill trying to calm her down?

All I can suggest is to lower your voice, stay entirely calm - repeat, it's just a cut - we're going to put a plaster on it - do you want to choose the plaster? Do you want to stick the plaster on?

Don't try to calm her down - just explain what's going to happen next.

Kid falls down, kids starts screaming

So you say:

  • it's OK, I'm here
  • listen to me, I'm going to take you to X bench, you're ok
  • listen to me, I'm going to take a look, you're ok
  • listen to me, I'm going to wipe it clean, you're ok
  • I'm going to put a plaster on it, you're ok

The whole time you ignore the screaming

You don't say
Sssshhhh, it's OK it's OK, calm down, it's OK. Awwww baby, it's OK.

The first is what a nurse would generally do in a hospital sort of thing.

Abba123 · 12/02/2023 20:58

I am diagnosed autistic with ADHD and I am not hysterical if I hurt myself. I’m probably the opposite and too indifferent.

First, ask your parents what were you like. Maybe she is wimpy just like mum and dad.

Secondly, consider your own reactions. My children don’t get much sympathy, but to get a bit of empathy and a full explanation of pain being temporary and I can see that they will heal up nicely.

Ask other care providers. How does she react for them? How do they support her?

takealettermsjones · 12/02/2023 21:03

I also wondered whether she's picking up on your vibes when these kinds of things happen. You've said that you get panicky, upset and stressed about it. I know it's easier said than done but you need to model the calm behaviour you want to see. Maybe try talking her through how to stay calm, e.g. take deep breaths, focus on the steps to take, then think about something else etc.

bagelbagelbagel · 12/02/2023 21:04

My autistic DC reacts to pain like this, it's more a fear response than a pain one I think

terriblepotato · 12/02/2023 21:06

My dd has always been like this (she's 9 now and still is!). I agree with pp that it's more of a fear response than actual pain. We are in the process of having her assessed for autism - not sure if that's relevant or not.

TheSnowyOwl · 12/02/2023 21:07

I agree how you react will make a big difference.

My youngest DC will get so upset he holds his breath until he passes out and he’s the NT one so I wouldn’t automatically assume your DD is reactively excessively.

MrsALambert · 12/02/2023 21:09

My autistic DS is hypersensitive to pain. We had an hour meltdown this week because of a splinter. Any graze or cut means hysterics at bath time for at least a week. 50% is the pain, the other 50% is fear of pain. I feel for you, it’s exhausting and upsetting.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 12/02/2023 21:14

Has she been very 'protected'? If she's never fallen over and grazed her knees or got a speck of something in her eyes before because you've either been there to prevent it in the first place - or she's been stopped from doing anything that might result in it happening 'you mustn't do that or you'll get hurt' - that can lead to a disproportionate reaction.

There's also the point that at her age, there wouldn't have been as much opportunity to develop a bit of robustness (or the current phrase used; resilience) when she was a toddler - not much in the way of playgroups, playgrounds or just playing and falling over with other three year olds during lockdown.

peachgreen · 12/02/2023 21:16

DD can be like this if she’s afraid – and that includes fear of pain. It’s exhausting, I feel for you!

MsMarch · 12/02/2023 21:21

I suspect it could be, as a pp has suggested, that due to a more protected lifestyle, she's never learnt this is normal and the pain will go away. This was definitely ds although he was "protected" because he has always been a naturally cautious child....

..... who we eventually came to realise has sensory processing disorder. He didn't do the jumping off things/throwing himself around because those sensations were too overwhelming for him. And he certainly didn't get used to pain and rough or tumble either.

He is much better now and has lots of coping mechanisms, and through formal and informal versions of immersion therapy, he copes better, but pain is still a big one. It's like his entire body is overloaded by the experience of being in pain, and he can't get out of it. Which then adds to his anxiety because on some level, he is aware that his pain is "worse" than what someone else experiences in a similar situation.

Obviously, I have no idea re your dd, but has she displayed any other signs of a processing disorder? Excessive dislike and/or fear and/or response to load noises? Refusal to wear certain clothes/ struggles with socks and shoes; extreme reactions to taste, smell or texture of food etc?

toomanywheeliebins · 12/02/2023 21:26

My eldest daughter was like this - we would be in the park and she'd fall and it would genuinely be like she was murdered. One holiday she got a small splinter and it was one of the worst experiences of my life trying to remove it. The noise went on for hours
She is also autistic

Gymmum82 · 12/02/2023 21:29

My friends DS is like this. He is autistic.

doadeer · 12/02/2023 21:34

My autistic son is the opposite and barely makes a fuss even if something looks really painful.

Maybe she has sensitive pain receptors? Is she sensitive in other ways?

ChaToilLeam · 12/02/2023 21:34

I used to be like this. I’m not autistic, btw. It really was a fear reaction more than a pain reaction and the more fuss the people around me made, the more overwhelming it was.

@Cassy92 ‘s advice is good. Just calm and practical. I know it is probably hard for you to keep cool when she is kicking off but she needs to learn to regulate her feelings and you need to model that for her. Don’t do what my parents did and get angry and yell.

MamEmma · 12/02/2023 21:37

DS was like this- he was once so upset about having a hangnail that someone offered to call an ambulance.

He grew out of it within a few years.

oobedobe · 12/02/2023 21:50

I think lots of kids do this. My eldest is 14 and still takes about falling off her balance bike when she was three and 'hurting her knee so badly' - it was literally a graze, in her mind she needed stitches.

The campsite thing does sound extreme but that may have been exaggerated due to overtiredness or something, I think at 4 many kids will revert to tantrums/meltdowns when over emotional and tired.

I always handle it by staying very calm. Offer choices; eg I need to clean it up do you want me to use a wipe or go in the bath? which plaster do you want? etc try to distract a bit but also acknowledging their experience 'oh that must hurt a lot right now but i'm going to help you feel better', then later maybe talking about how amazing our bodies are at healing.

Fairysilver · 12/02/2023 21:56

Yes it's a phase.
Ds2 went through a phase like this around 3.5 to 4.5.
Hours of hysterics, could not control himself at all. It was very trying and best dealt with by ignoring as trying to calm him seemed to escalate it.
It wore off and he's a perfectly normal adult now.

Summerfun54321 · 12/02/2023 21:56

Have you timed them? Sometimes a big meltdown can feel like they go on forever but as soon as you have some strategies and coping tools for yourself, they become a bit less overwhelming.

My dd had the most incredible stamina for an emotional meltdown, it was really impressive. She was a bit late growing up emotionally but apart from that is now a totally fine 7 year old and her inner drama queen has totally disappeared. Mega meltdowns aren't always a sign of anything at that age.

Dijoduo · 12/02/2023 21:59

I don’t know if this is any help and I really don’t want this to sound like a criticism but it’s the only insight I have. I have a 3yo who is very “rough and tumble”. He has issues with his hearing and eye sight so he falls and knocks himself a lot - he’s always cut, grazed, bruised etc. With that, he’s very chilled about small injuries. We tend to just rub it better, kiss it better and he’ll be happy as a clam within about ten seconds. Last summer, my sister came to stay with us. DN is the absolute opposite of DS and cries for a very long time if he falls or bumps himself. There was one occasion where DS fell when DSis was looking after him. She immediately gasped, grabbed him up and cuddled him. She then sat cuddling him whilst he cried and cried and cried for almost an hour. He’s never, ever cried like that before or since - and he didn’t have any injury. I absolutely think that my DSis’s reaction is why he reacted the way he did. DCs emotions are largely dictated by how the people around them are behaving and how they think they’re supposed to feel.

I’m not saying that’s the reason your DD is the way she is at all because I obviously have no idea, I’m sure it could be any number of things. It’s just my personal experience on the matter.

GAW19 · 12/02/2023 22:08

Does she go to school?
My DD is 3.5 and recently started getting angry over very small things where she would scream and cry, she never hit or anything but become hysterical. I always showed her the deep breaths and that worked a little.
I mentioned to her teacher and they did a group session on it and how to calm down by counting and regulating their feelings.
Maybe have a chat with her teacher? 😊